Heart

I Figured It Out

Added 2020-12-09 16:05:25 +0000 UTC

I got so sick of everything being my fault. Softly walking on eggshells grew exhausting. It was my fault he drank and my fault he had to quit drinking. It was my fault he was so tired and my fault he couldn’t sleep. It was my fault because I was miserable and my fault because I was happy.

I tried to fix it and help it and change it and give it time. It was quite a revelation to realize the real secret: there was nothing I could do. And it wasn’t my fault.

It’s kind of funny after years of strategizing, analyzing, processing, adjusting, persevering, striving for better, I realized it was a joke all along, the game was rigged. The goal posts always moved. I couldn’t win.

What a relief when I figured it out, a weight lifted really. I didn’t have to keep trying to solve the puzzle, there was no need to try and make a pleasing shape, nothing would please him anyway. I could put it down.