Heart

Week 3

Added 2020-10-06 20:18:21 +0000 UTC

I can’t explain how good it feels to have space from my husband. I feel like a traitor for saying so, I feel selfish sometimes, or I feel like a failure for not being able to stick it out, but those are all just flashes of panic. What really lives here now is relief, and calm, and peace.

And I deserve that.

We’ve been able to work together this past week, I know his negotiation attempts and intimidation tactics will return again one day, but for now the truce is a blessing. And I’m not at the mercy of his moods anymore. And I’m not walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion. And that feels like a revelation.

I’m finding myself enjoying my routines around the house instead of dreading them. I’m relaxed with the kids. I’m not on edge and counting down until bed time. I have time for writing and self care. I’m happy.

I’m redecorating just a little. Not so much redecorating I guess as *actually seeing* what’s around me. The photos in all of the frames that haven’t been updated in over a decade. The little mirrors I never hung up near my dresser sitting there collecting dust because he said it was too “busy”. The stack of books with obnoxious titles on the bedside table, all his and all untouched for months. So I start with a few frames, and hang up the little antique mirrors, and I put away the books. Tiny ways to take control, tiny ways to make myself smile.

I put the asters I picked in Max’s back yard in a little vase on the mantle. It was gloomy and rainy when I picked them, they were wilted and closed up. But I had faith. And when the sun came out the next morning they perked right back up, cheerful and bright.