Life choices.

So I’m trying to be a mature adult. And it’s difficult sometimes.

I have this habit, classic Heart, when everything is going well and feeling manageable I up the ante and make things more challenging. It’s not exactly self-sabotage, because I’m a stubborn mother fucker and I always manage to rise to the challenge. But then what would you call it?

One of my brothers tells me this is a good strategy for video games, you add to the challenge to keep yourself from getting bored. Is this what I’m doing? Trying to make the pace of my life suit me? Am I not busy enough with the kids and my jobs and my family and my coven and my relationships and my volunteer work and my crazy wild dog? I am. (But I admit the pace has slowed down lately....)

I’m a consummate caretaker. I love having someone who needs my love and attention, but at this point in my life I’m also loving my freedom from caregiving, my time to spend frivolously on writing or binge-watching peaky blinders again just because I can. How much would this new responsibility infringe on that budding freedom? Intensely at first... do I have the time and energy to give? My husband asks “Why not just let things be easy?” It’s a valid question.

I can admit this would be an impulsive emotional decision, uncharacteristically spontaneous. I can admit this decision would align with my Too Muchness. I can admit it would put a strain on the peace and quiet I’ve been enjoying. I can also admit that there’s something inside of me that’s egging me on: “fuck it” “do it” “life is for living”.

Patrons, should I adopt this fucking puppy? She’s the sweetest beast with the most gentle temperament and I love her big feet. She’s also a cane corso mix who is destined to be a 100 lb beast. My house is small but my heart is big. I’m trying to slow down my impulses and sit with the question. That’s growth, right?