Emotionally Naked New Year

You know that uncomfortable polite tension when everyone is trying hard to make a good impression and nobody’s making any sudden movements? That’s how New Years Eve felt for me. I’m anxious and fretting at the best of times, so the poly-agony had me in a tizzy.

My tiny shy monogamous butch lesbian girlfriend was about to meet my giant outgoing poly straight cis husband, and all three of us were nervous about it. Such a weird bad-poly-sitcom scenario. Ms. O chastised me for creating, in her words, “the hardest possible situation”. (My instinct was to concoct more convoluted meetings in my head, more strange strings attached, this is a real specialty of mine.)

The silver lining was I had Ms. O on my side, and everyone wanted it to go well. And it did! As well as can be expected. There was some cringing, and my distinct discomfort when I could see Mister or Max showing signs of unease. It was imperceptible to most, but I love their faces, and I can read their micro-expressions. The way Max fiddled with her vape and took heavy breaths made me want to wrap myself around her and soothe her, press her cheek against my chest and hum quietly until her pulse slowed down. The way Mister’s eyes flickered over to me, the stoic half-smile he saves for social situations, made me want to run my fingers through his hair and make him laugh. I wanted to comfort him, help him loosen up, reassure him with my attention. It’s hard to do any of these things in a room full of people under everyone’s eyes. I felt paralyzed with worry that I might upset someone. I smoked joints and took deep breaths. I reminded myself it will get easier in time.

As the clock counted down some friends shared their resolutions, their wishes from last year, their disappointments, their hopes. I love sitting in a room with brave inspired folks. I admitted that I’m going to start working on my book project again, saying it out loud was exciting and scary.

We did some wax play (sexy photos coming soon!) and Max and I made out in the kitchen while everyone was in the hot tub. There was a champagne toast with a wishing spell we all did at midnight. (Side note: last New Year’s Eve Ms. O, Elly, Mister and I did the same wishing spell... we texted Elly, who was in her hometown, just before midnight to confirm that ALL FOUR OF OUR WISHES CAME TRUE THIS YEAR! That’s pretty good odds. Or good enough odds that we convinced everyone to partake with us as the clock struck and the new year rolled in.)

As Max and I cuddled at 4am on a crowded couch in a finally sleeping full house she whispered “Did I do okay?” Her arms were already around me in the dark as we shared a flimsy blanket and tried to ignore the snoring all around us. I was already in awe of her bravery, her willingness to do this difficult thing. Her vulnerability in my arms always melts me. “You did more than okay,” I said, kissing her temples and breathing her in. I whispered to her, reassurance and gratitude, wanting her to feel how her effort and adoration made my heart sing.

It wasn’t a bad way to start the new year.

(Photos coming soon! New Years card from Ember and Elle in NYC, who sent me the sweetest care package.)