Girl’s night

Friday night was... kind of bad. Not in a disasterous way, there were no incidents or accidents, it just wasn’t what I needed.

My social anxiety was through the roof. I couldn’t relax. E bailed last minute, so that left me as the only top, and seemingly the only extrovert in a group of 9 women. Nothing makes my social anxiety run rampant like being the only extrovert in a quiet crowd. It makes me feel like I have to fill the silence and entertain, which in turn makes me embarrassed and self-conscious about everything coming out of my mouth. I wanted to shut the fuck up. I wanted to go home immediately. But I didn’t. I toughed it out.

At first the dungeon was quiet so we posted up there. I gave O a little spanking, she’s such a good sport, and so brave to offer to break the ice. Mars was courageous and asked me for a spanking too. I was reminded immediately why environments with men can be so uncomfortable. They come too close for comfort when we’re doing a scene, as if they’re entitled to a front row view. As if personal boundaries don’t apply to them because they’ve paid their entry fee. They loudly insert themselves into scenes and moments. “Ooooh yeah I showed up at the right time” this obnoxious tattooed guy said as he sat down with our group. Cue collective eye roll.

Mars was so sweet. I tried to focus, this was a new experience for her and I didn’t want some dude to ruin it. She perched on the spanking bench in her red satin slip, she’s so lovely. In a matter of moments she was pink and flustered. It was nice to feel that warm energy. I prefer spanking to using implements and impact toys, I love using my hands. I feel more connected, that tactile heat. I could feel her arousal. It made me blush too.

The club was filling up fast. We went to grab drinks and by the time we returned there were people fucking on every surface in the dungeon. Joie arrived after her date and we went outside to sit on the grass patio in our lingerie and smoke joints.

I’d been afraid all night that my ex and his new girl would be there. Every time I walked into a room I scanned quickly and anxiously, waiting for my heart to be crushed. Ms.O must have felt me thinking about it because she turned to me and said “It’s fucking cruel how many bearded guys in plaid shirts there are here tonight.” “RIGHT!?!?” I replied emphatically. No wonder I couldn’t relax.

The club was now filled with couples, we decided a dip in the pool would be a great way to end the night, but when we got out there the pool looked like a scene from a Where’s Waldo book, dozens of bodies filled the water, we couldn’t have joined without being shoulder to shoulder with naked strangers. This... didn’t appeal.

We noticed there was a big L-couch on the deck that was free. We grabbed some of the crisp white towels they have on deck and used them as blankets because the night air was chilly. Cuddled up under the open sky I blabbed uncontrollably about monster fantasies. Ms.O and I tried to figure out why vampires don’t push my buttons even though most other monsters do. My humiliation at the confession peaked when she asked sincerely “is it because vampires don’t have claws?” I couldn’t stop laughing at the audacity of this conversation. Some of the other girls confessed to clown, alien and spider fantasies, I felt a little better.

Other guests kept assuming we were there to celebrate a bachelorette party, “we’re not prudish, we’re just cold” I wanted to reply. We must have looked out of place laughing and snuggling under white cotton while everyone else was fucking.

Maybe I’ve outgrown that place. Maybe I’m still too sore from all of the hurtful things that have happened lately. Maybe it was just an off night, but I was relieved when Joie said she was tired and heading home. We all followed suit.

Sometimes being brave and pushing yourself doesn’t end in success and fireworks. Sometimes it ends in awkward discomfort. But that’s gotta be part of the growth process too, doing it even though it’s hard.

(I scheduled this post for Sunday morning, I’m tied up with work stuff until Sunday night so I won’t have a chance to reply to mail or comments until then, but I’m waiting to get permission from Mars to post a cute gif for all of you Full Access folks too! Thanks for your support! ♥️)