Toying with the idea...
Added 2019-04-12 03:44:52 +0000 UTCI took this photo with a self-timer back in 2011. I was toying with the idea of submission. It appealed to me, but I didn’t have much experience, and I didn’t know where to start.
A gorgeous woman I flirted with on tumblr sent me the collar and leash. (It’s still tucked away in my underwear drawer.) I’d just started dating Mr. J, and we were only beginning to dance around our own dynamic. I was brave and told him on our first date that I was interested in BDSM, but I still wasn’t sure what I wanted.
He bought me my own collar eventually. A pretty white leather one with dark pink accents. It suited me. I hated it. It was so stiff and oversized and uncomfortable. And the hardware on it jingled like a cat bell, adding to my embarrassment and discomfort. Swoon. As a masochist it was perfect.
The last time I saw him we put it in a box, along with our other special things, and thanked them (through tears) for all the joy they brought us. We taped it up and locked it away.
The idea of opening up that side of myself to someone else is overwhelming. I’m not even close to ready, but I do hope one day that submissive side comes out to play again. Kink is such a thrilling way to use your creativity, and the heady-drunk feeling power dynamics provide is unbeatable. I miss that surrender.
