April 2019

The summer of 2017 was hard. In the midst of my emotional battlefield my best friend Joie and I were lying on the grass in my backyard, covered in crystals, smoking joints and appreciating the solar eclipse. We were hoping to cleanse the recent negativity. I’d just had my horoscope read and couldn’t get my head around it. “Emotional challenges have been mounting,” it said, “expect this trend to continue until the end of March 2019.” I laughed at the audacity of it, I’d hoped the astrology reading would bring me some comfort, March ‘19 felt so far away. Through the next two years when shit hit the fan and things were tough Joie would feign positivity and say “you’re one day closer to April 2019!” and more recently, “it’s only a few months away now!”

The horoscope predicted that April 2019 would be the start of a new and thrilling chapter, and the closer it came the more faith I tried to put in the idea. As bad news surrounded me and things fell apart, I would remind myself I was almost through the tough spots. “Stay strong, success and stability are around the corner. Just breathe. You can make it to the Spring.” Maybe it’s silly to put faith in the planets, but without this mantra the fuckery would have felt endless.

The last few days of March were filled with so many tears, compounding losses, and a small spark of hope that relief would come. I was so focused on my grief I didn’t realize April had arrived.

On April 1st Joie skipped work to sip tea and hold my hand and congratulate me for making it. I confessed to my sadness and struggle to believe in this new beginning. She said all the right things to remind me beautiful things would come. When my husband came home with an armful of flowers he kissed the top of my head and said “you made it!” I was surprised and moved by their tenderness, neither of them are known for it.

Last year was packed full of endings. All kinds of endings. But there’s been plenty of symbolism for a new beginning lately. This moment feels like standing on the edge of something I can’t see. I don’t know what’s next, but good god am I’m ready for a change. I’m trying to meet it with an open heart.

Happy April.