Black History Month - An Alternative Education

February 1st

Someone has put up a massive display for Black History Month in the corridor by the college library. I’m not sure if the faculty has been told about it or if they were asked permission, but it’s pretty big. I think it’s covering up some of the old sports photos – not that I ever really noticed them. It was hard to see it properly with the amount of other students crowding around, but it looks like it’s got that big black clenched fist in the middle of it, surrounded by a bunch of famous black people. Obama was the only one I recognised, but I didn’t get a good look. I’m sure it’ll be easier to see in the future once people get bored of it.

I felt like I wanted to stay and read it for longer, but Paul was dragging me off, telling me that we need to get to the library before our regular spot is taken by someone else. I know he’s only trying to do what’s best for me with the exam coming up, but he could have at least let me have another look at the display. He can be a bit controlling sometimes. I keep telling myself that I need to tell him to back off, but I can never find the courage when a good opportunity arises.

We both went over all our revision notes: the flashcards, the memory games we worked out. Paul got everything right of course, but for me they were harder than I thought they were going to be. I’ve never really struggled with them before, and Paul said it was obvious that I was distracted by something. He asked off hand if it was me thinking about girls, but I think we both know we’re far too busy with our studies to worry about that. Honestly, I just couldn’t stop thinking about the display. I’ve never really cared for Black History Month before. It always felt like a month for other people – Black people. But isn’t that the point, that it’s meant to be about educating or something like that? Maybe it’s time I start to pay more attention to that kind of thing.

I really don’t feel like today was productive. Even as I write this in the evening, I’m still thinking about that display. I guess whoever put it up put it in a really eye-catching spot!

February 3rd

Paul’s been really bugging me about revision. A part of me knows he’s right, but surely there are more important things in life that sitting in that library all day going over our notes? I think we’re both smart enough guys that we’ll be fine even if we stopped revising today. We managed to get into this school with no special bursary or award, I’m sure we’ll get through it just the same.

We walked past that display again, the Black History Month one. Paul just rolled his eyes at me and went to the library, hoping I’d catch up later. I don’t think he doesn’t like it because of the race thing, I think it’s just that he’s focused on other things right now. The display was less busy than last time, so I was able to have a proper look. There was a lot of information on there – really important dates in black history and big cultural icons, that sort of thing. It made me realise how much I had never been taught when I was younger. I wonder if there’s any other history that’s skipped on the syllabus? It’s such a massive part of some people’s lives that I’ve completely missed.

I got talking with a girl called Tonisha at the display. She said that she was one of the students that set it up. She’s real nice, though she did laugh at my name, saying that ‘Simon is such a white boy name’. I don’t really get what she means, but I’m not going to question it. She wasn’t preachy or anything. She started asking me what I thought about the display and I was honest with her – it was really eye opening. She answered a lot of questions that I had on Black History. I was really worried she’d be rude or judgy, but she was the opposite. She listened to everything I asked and even gave me some recommendations of reading I should do and some artists I should check out!

To be honest, I don’t really know why I agreed to all this extra work from her. There’s some music Tonisha recommended playing right now that I can’t really get into. I think it’s some R&B or something. I thought I’d just listen to it out of politeness. She said that she was glad that a white guy was showing some desire to change, which was nice to hear, I guess. I don’t know how long it’ll last.

February 7th

I’ve barely seen Paul the past few days. I’ve shut myself up in my room and have been working my way through Tonisha’s recommendations. There’s a lot of stuff that I’d never listened to before that I’ve eventually gotten into. Some of the Hip-Hop Tonisha recommended seemed really angry and hard to understand at first but the more I listen to it, the more I get it. I’ve had the Wikipedia pages for each group open up as I’ve listened and learning about their history and the context for their work makes it all so much more enjoyable. I’d listened to some jazz and blues before, but the artists Tonisha mentioned are some I’ve never heard of. I think I agree with her – so many of them are underrated, and it makes me really sad that many of these fantastic musicians weren’t truly appreciated in their own lifetimes. At least there are people like Tonisha getting new fans like me into their stuff!

Some of the poetry she recommended was tough. I kept reading through it again and again and just couldn’t work out what the writer was trying to say. I know poetry doesn’t have to rhyme but I felt like this stuff was supposed to. Tonisha said that it’s because I’m reading it in my own accent rather than the writer’s, which I guess makes sense. It’s hard to put myself in their shoes sometimes and when I try and read stuff aloud it just sounds awkward, like I’m doing an impression of how Tonisha speaks.

Paul keeps texting me, reminding me he needs a study partner. I tried to tell him that I’m sick, but I don’t think that he believes me. He needs to lay off me. In a way I feel like I am studying, just not our course. I’m really enjoying immersing myself in this new culture. Some of my course books are gathering dust, but I don’t mind. Isn’t the whole point of education to expand your knowledge? The more I learn of Black history the more I realise how little I know. Tonisha’s been really encouraging throughout all of this. It’s weird, I don’t think I’ve ever made friends with a black girl before, but she makes it so easy. I’ve only been speaking with her for a few days but it feels like we’ve been friends for years.

February 10th

Tonisha and I got a coffee today. She wanted to have a proper talk about everything I’ve been looking over. A few people were staring at us – is it because I’m a white guy? I didn’t realise people could be so judgemental. It’s not like it was a date or anything, Tonisha made that clear. She joked that she liked her coffee like she liked her men: black. She’s so funny! Honestly, seeing how comfortably she holds herself made me a little bit envious. I know I’ve not got an impressive body, but I could definitely feel more comfortable in it. She just seems so naturally confident; I wish I could have that.

She’s really impressed by how much I’ve thrown myself into this. I even surprised her with a few artists I’d gotten into myself! Best of all, she completely agrees with me about Paul. He’s focusing far too much on the course and isn’t ever having a chance to let loose. Tonisha asked me when was the last time was that I went to a party, and I couldn’t remember. I definitely haven’t gone to any with Paul. A part of me feels a bit guilty for hanging out with Tonisha so much instead of him, but she pointed out that friends come and go sometimes, and if Paul and I are drifting apart then that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s hard to argue with her, and I’m definitely a lot happier now than when I was dragging myself to the library each day to look over our boring notes. I could speak with Tonisha for hours. We ended up ordering plenty of coffee, the conversation flowing really naturally. I could tell she’s really interested in my thoughts and questions, rather than just going through the motions or pretending to listen. She keeps telling me I need to be more confident in myself, and I know she’s right. I just hope I can someday reach her level.

February 15th

Something weird happened today: I woke up with a tan! I can’t ever remember having tanned skin in my life, but now it’s a good healthy bronze. I feel like it’s come on really suddenly, but maybe I just haven’t noticed the changes each day? The weather has been fantastic recently, so I’ve been taking lots of walks outside. It’s good to get into the fresh air once in a while, and I’ve found that Tonisha’s music is really fun to listen to outdoors. The rhythm helps me keep a consistent pace, and I think all this sunshine has just darkened my skin brilliantly. I can’t stop looking at it in the mirror! Is it weird to be this excited for it?

I actually did some revision today. I thought about texting Paul to see if he’d like to do some together, but I’m not texting him until he texts me first. Tonisha said that chasing after people doesn’t make me look confident, and I’m going to try and make small changes like this to improve. I’ve gotta admit: revising was harder back in my room than at the library. It’s usually completely silent there, but I’m finding it hard to not have music on back in my room. I know it's distracting me, but everything just seems so boring without it. There’s a few raps that I think I know most of the words on. When I rap along it still sounds weird, but if I’m just in my room by myself then I don’t mind.

February 17th

Tonisha invited me to a party! I was really nervous about going but she encouraged me to come along. I’m so glad I did. It was with some of her other friends and I was overthinking what to wear or what to bring with me, but Tonisha told me to just relax and be myself. She drove me out there – she said she didn’t mind driving if I wanted to drink. It was one of those neighbourhoods in the inner city, far away from college. I’d never been there myself and when she told me where we were going, I got worried. All I saw on the news was the crime and drama that happens around there, but she told me not to listen to any of it. She said that the news is often biased against her community to rile people up, and I shouldn’t let myself get caught up in all of it.

We could hear the music from a few blocks away. Before meeting Tonisha, I think I would have hated it and would start worrying about what the neighbours might think, but what’s the problem? We’re young, we’re partying, we’re allowed to do that.

Tonisha’s friends are really cool. After a few awkward interactions (I went for a handshake when a guy wanted a fist bump, I’m still cringing!) I loosened up a lot, though that might have been from the alcohol. I got chatting with a couple guys about music and they were really impressed. They weren’t even being patronising! I felt like I was able to defend my album choices and they actually agreed! I’ve gotta remember to thank Tonisha for her recommendations.

I don’t think a few weeks ago I would have ever gone to a party where I only knew one person, let alone spoken to people I didn’t know. I’m already feeling more confident! I might not be getting the grades I want out of college, but I’m definitely going to come out of it a better person.

While I really enjoyed the party, I do feel like I stood out. Even with my new tan I was by far the whitest guy there. I don’t think anyone treated me weirdly, but it’s kinda difficult to say. Sometimes the group would talk about stuff that I just couldn’t relate to – Tonisha’s told me all about my white privilege and how we should all be listening more, rather than telling people how it is, so I stayed quiet a lot of the time when we weren’t talking music. A few times they used slang I just didn’t get. Tonisha’s helped explain a few words to me when it’s just been us, but it would have been too awkward to do it at the party in front of everyone. She told me I shouldn’t try and use the words myself, because they just ‘sound weird for now’, whatever that means. Even with how much I stood out, I’m still feeling more welcomed by Tonisha and her friends than I have by anyone else. I just wish I could throw myself into their world. It’s far more accepting than the one I know.

February 18th

I went to go put on my favourite jeans today and I realised there was a bunch of holes in the thighs! I’m so mad. I’ve had jeans tear in the crotch before but it looks like the fabric has been rubbing instead. It’s weird, I don’t feel like I’ve put on weight but there’s definitely more flab around my thighs. I didn’t notice it before, but now that I think about it those jeans definitely felt tighter to put on the last few days.

I’ve never really cared much for health and fitness, but even I know I should try and avoid getting fat. It’s weird, though. When I look at my thighs in the mirror it’s like I enjoy seeing them like that? They’re a lot larger than I remember, and even my ass feels like it’s gotten fatter. It’s definitely not muscle mass either from all this walking – when I squeeze it, it’s really soft. It all jiggles a little when I walk, but I don’t know. It’s kinda cute. Who says guys can’t have a little bit of curves?

It's not just on my thighs I’ve noticed some weird fat growth. My nipples are feeling really puffy and bloated recently. They’re rubbing against my shirt a lot and feel real sensitive. I text Tonisha about it (I feel like we’re good enough friends to talk about this kind of stuff, and even though she’s a girl it doesn’t feel gross) and she said it’s prolly from the food and drink at the party. I don’t remember eating or drinking much, the whole night was a blur. Am I having a reaction to something? I was going to go to the doctor, but it’s not like it hurts or anything. I might just need to start looking into wider waistlines, that’s all. Besides, the more I look at it in the mirror, the more I think the curvier look suits me.

February 20th

Paul finally text me! I’ve never really thought about it before, but having him chase after me is a real good change of pace. I’m used to him taking charge in our friendship, but I guess I’m the one in control now. I kinda like it.

Anyways, he text me to remind me about the exam and told me to revise. I’ve looked at the textbooks but honestly it’s just not going in. Maybe my mind is already full of everything I know already? Even if I wanted to go out with Paul, I got a text from Tonisha that quickly changed my plans. She asked me to come get my nails did! I told her I’d never done it before and she got so excited. I know it’s kinda weird for me to get them, but I just couldn’t resist. Tonisha’s got gorgeous nails and I think a part of me wants the same.

I felt hella pampered when I was at the nail salon. Tonisha did most of the talking when the ladies there asked me what I wanted. I didn’t even know what would suit me! It was so relaxing. They helped trim and tidy my nails and then it got round to choosing the best set. There were some real long ones, I think they called them ‘coffin’ nails. They looked real impractical so I was worried about getting them, but Tonisha told me to just try them and see. She even chose the colour – a real soft baby pink. I thought they would look too girly at first but now that I’ve got them, I love them so much! I don’t think I could ever go back. Tonisha said they help bring out my skin tone real well, contrasting and all that stuff. She’s so good at spotting these things! I think my skin has gotten a bit darker as well, even on my fingers. Tonisha didn’t mention it but I think she noticed. It looks a bit closer to her skin tone that my own now, but I like it! Makes me look healthy and well travelled.

These nails felt so clunky at first but I’m quickly getting used to them. I really like how they click against each other when I curl my fingers, or how they tap on the screen of my phone when I’m texting Tonisha. Holding this pen felt strange but Tonisha’s completely right: I’ve fallen in love with them! After they were done getting solid in the UV lamp I couldn’t stop looking at them. They make me feel so classy.

February 22nd

After seeing how much I liked getting my nails done, Tonisha asked if I’d like her to show me how to braid my hair. It’s grown real long recently, and the texture is all changing. I’m used to it being straight, but it’s gone into really dense curls. I don’t mind it, it bounces real nice when I walk! I’ve noticed my waist is jiggling more too. Some guys were staring in the corridor yesterday, and I gotta say that it made me feel good!

Anyways, Tonisha said she’d show me how to braid them back in my room. With how much it’s grown these past few days it’s about time I did something with it. Tonisha says it’s important I keep looking fine.

When I got to her room, Tonisha couldn’t stop poking my hair. She really likes how it’s changed! I was mostly excited to see it braided though. Tonisha has hers up in a braid sometimes and it really suits her. She said I needed to wash and condition it and didn’t mind if I used her shower. She already had all the shampoos I needed so it seemed for the best.

The shower was mad weird. Maybe it was just the lighting in there or something but my skin is looking proper dark. I ain’t even freaking out about it or anything, I kinda like it. Reminds me of caramel or something. I figured I ain’t washed that day so used Tonisha’s fancy soaps too. I’ve put on more weight, my thighs are looking thick and my pecs have gone even softer and puffier. Cleaning them felt nice, too. I put in the shampoo then conditioner – trying to keep my new nails as untouched as I can. Once I was all done I wrapped myself in a towel. I don’t know why, but I felt like I had to cover my chest with it too. I don’t think Tonisha would have cared but it felt more comfortable.

She helped me comb my hair with a wide toothed brush, helping get out some of the knots. It looked even longer after I had washed it. Even though the hairdryer was real noisy in my ears, it felt good, like a big warm blanket all over my hair. Tonisha grabbed a smaller comb and talked me through where she was going to separate my hair into little rows. She said with my head shape it’d be best to have it up, so I left her to it. She always looks like she knows what she’s doing.  Grabbing a couple of pieces of my hair, she began to braid them together. It was tight at first, but I got used to it real quick.

Tonisha said it would take a while, so she put some music on – another one of her recommendations. We got chatting, and it’s weird how similar we are! She asked me where I grew up and it turns out we grew up not far from each other! We went to different public schools just around the corner from each other, but our home life was really similar. We were surrounded by the same sorta people – poor, and black. We could have bumped into each other on the street. When I told her all this, she said that it surprised her, because I ‘sounded white’ and that I should ‘stop being such a sell-out’. I didn’t really get what she meant, but the more I thought about it, the more I got it. I think I was scared of sounding too black, but I know Tonisha wouldn’t mind. I started to talk more normally around her. I love hanging out with her, I don’t want her to think I’m crazy because I’m not being genuine.

Once the braids were done, I said how good they felt. She said I need to embrace them and wear them more, because it’s part of the shared culture between us. She couldn’t be more right!

February 25th

Tonisha and me spent the whole day shopping! She joked that she was tired of my cramping her style, but I know she’s right. Definitely need a wardrobe refresh. I think there’s some exam or something coming up in a few days but honestly I can’t be asked – there was a sale on and Tonisha said us girlies deserved it. There were a few shops that I wanted to go into, but Tonisha dragged me past, reminding me that people like us don’t shop there. When I looked in the mirror at the display, she was right – stick thin mannequins in long shapeless fabrics. People built like us need something that’s going to go over our curves. She said I gotta dress how I want to dress, but I don’t want to dress like some white girl. A queen like me needs far more than that.

The first place we went to had some underwear. I got a load of panties that can go over my booty. I don’t know how Tonisha already knew what I’d like, but she did. There’s some real fine cotton ones for the day to day, plus some a little extra for the fellas. Not full-on lingerie, but some lace and silk will make the fellas know what they’re missing.

Tonisha helped me pick out some bras too. We got chatting and honestly I couldn’t remember how many I had. More is always good, right? I feel like my tits have gotten huge lately, but I’m pretty sure they’ve always been this big. Anyways, I found some good sized bras for them. Just like the panties, some stuff for everyday on campus, and then some stuff for the bedroom. Tonisha even showed me some push-up bras – not like I need the extra attention, but the temptation was too good to ignore. If I’m looking snatched, I should show it.

Once we were done with underwear, Tonisha took me shoe shopping. I know my shoe game weak, but that’s what this shopping trip is there to change, right? I got some pumps, all fresh and clean, plus some heels. Tonisha said I need to boost up my height to get noticed in the club, but I told her I couldn’t dance in heels like that. When I put them on they fit perfectly, and I could walk easily in them. It’s like I’ve been wearing heels all my life. The more I think about it, the more I think I have. I remember when I was younger feeling my feet ache as I forced them into stilettos, but now I’m used to it, my muscles strong. They boost up my ass, making it look even more rounder.

After we got some fast food, we went and did more clothes shopping. There’s loads of stuff I just grabbed and couldn’t stop myself from buying. Cute low cut tops, some comfy jeans that stretch well over my thick legs, and even a bunch of gorgeous dresses Tonisha helped me try on. It was a struggle to fit into them, but I’m glad I did. They make me feel so sexy, my curves all on display and ready to be grabbed and played with.

When we both walked outta there looking absolutely sickening, I couldn’t help but smile. I know that some thin girls are gonna be jealous of two babes like us, but what do we care? Queens don’t listen to the peasants.

February 28th

I’ve been hanging with my bestie Tonisha pretty much all the time. I’m so glad she brought me out of my shell! I know I’m meant to be here to learn, but the social life Tonisha has shown me is hard to step away form. We’ve had party after party, late nights spent talking and doing make up, and she even set me up on a few dates with her friends! Nothing came of it, though not because they didn’t want to. I’m keeping them keen. Having these black boys chase after me feels almost as good as when they finally catch me – almost.

She wanted to show me the Black History Month display she did. Don’t know why, it’s not like I don’t know it all already. But I guess it’s to educate these white people about how it really is being like us, so I get why she made it. Now at the end of the month barely anyone notices it, like it’s just another display in the background with the same faces on it that I know. When I saw it again though, it really resonated with me. There’s a whole community, a whole culture that people only notice when they want to hate on it. Tonisha’s doing something to change that. On god, I know it sounds dumb but looking at that display actually made me even prouder to be Black. I’m done trying to hide who I am, I need to be more proud of my culture, just like Tonisha is. And if doing that gets me in trouble because my hair isn’t ‘work appropriate’ or if my music is too loud, then so what?

I said goodbye to Tonisha while she went off to another date and looked at the display some more. Some white boy kept staring at me. I usually don’t mind, but for some reason he was creeping me out. He looked like a typical nerd, I’ve probably walked past boys like him a hundred times each day, more if I ever went into the library. He was all weedy and short, nothing like the guys I’ve been seeing. I asked him if he liked what he was looking at, and the look on his face was crazy – he went bright red. He wasn’t sure if I meant the display or my body, but it's not like I was trying to hide it. I wore my tight jeans and low-cut white top today to show off the girlies, I just didn’t expect to attract the attention of a boy like him. He said he didn’t understand me, so I repeated myself (which I hate doing!), and he looked even more embarrassed. He just mumbled out something about looking for his friend Simon. I laughed at him, telling him that ‘he was speaking to Simone, and I ain’t being friends with a boy like him!’

He ran off real quick, probably to go look over his revision notes and then fantasise about a girl like me. I know I’m more curvy than any white girl he’s used to dreaming of, but for now I’m not going near boys like that. Besides, a girl with my looks can do far better.

I think tonight is the end of Black History Month. Don’t know if I learned anything new, but hopefully the rest of college will start treating us a bit better from now on now they’ve been educated. Anyways, I gotta finish writing this! Tonisha is throwing another party tonight and I’ve got to get my face on for the boys.

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An anonymous commission! It's been a while since I've done a race change story. This is also the first story I've written in a first person diary entry format. I'm not sure if I prefer it to my usual style, but it's definitely an interesting perspective to write from.