TBR of Doom, Grief Edition

(Fair warning, I ramble a lot in this post.)

I write about death a lot. I mean, my first two books were literally about people who could bring them back. Red in Tooth in Claw is a lot about grief. I think it's something that people think about in general, but I think I was always a bit fixated on the underworld and all of that. My parents never kept death from me, and I grew up in a fairly rural area with a lot of animals and my stepmom did animal rescue. My family fished, I had a stepdad who hunted deer, and I had to take my turns helping my grandma pluck a chicken. This might also be why I don't eat most meats, by the way. I haven't eaten turkey since my father had the bright idea of raising our own and didn't make it crystal clear what the fate of that turkey would be. (I named it.)

My parents were also medical professionals. I grew up hanging out at my dad's clinic, and walking through the ICU to pick up my mom from work. My mom spent 50 years working in the ICU, and you can't find a more unflappable, pragmatic person. I spent two or so years working at a vet clinic, and death was very much a part of that job, too. What I've learned is that it takes a lot of strength to grieve and process death. Americans, on the whole, are pretty bad at it. To be fair, I'm not sure how most other countries handle such things, I just know that we all tend to even avoid the idea of aging and death. But it takes a lot of heart and endurance to face grief. To "sit in it" as my therapist says, and to let go.

My family tends to take the "Irish wake" approach. We gather, usually with a drink in hand, and tell stories. It's oddly joyful and it's comforting, at least to me.

Why am I talking about all of this? Well, if you're on my IG at all, you'll know that we unexpectedly lost our cat, Captain Ninja Fish last week. It hit me harder than I thought it would. Losing a pet is always difficult, and Ninja was, frankly, a huge asshole. I mean, just a dick all the time. So I guess I thought it wouldn't hit me as hard? But it did, especially since I was already ground down from the last 7 grueling weeks. And I simply didn't have the strength to grieve as I normally would. As my therapist insists, I did "sit in it" and didn't avoid thinking about it...but I didn't have the fortitude to really share any kind of joyful stories or even toast her properly. (I tend to not drink at all when I'm really upset or having a hard time.) I keep thinking of that line from LOTR where Bilbo describes himself as feeling thin, "sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread." Losing Ninja was apparently the last straw for me. I've become unbuttered toast.

I've been trying to rest and be gentle with myself (another thing my therapist talks to me a lot about), but honestly I'm bad at it. I'm getting better, but it's a work in progress. I've of course been reading, and one thing I did find funny was that two different people recommended poems to me to help with my grief. What is it about poetry that it can bring that much comfort? It seems to be particularly good at encapsulating big feelings into so few words. I have so much respect for poets because of this.

In case you're wondering what poems were recommended, they were The First Time Percy Came Back , In Black Water Woods , and Wild Geese by Mary Oliver. We own a copy of Dog Songs which my friend gifted me when we lost our dog. I countered with this poem written by a poet friend of mine, Abby Murray, which is about losing her dog, Flynn. I cannot read it without crying, so head's up there. And because I don't want to bum you out too much, here's another one by her that's about talking politics at the table during Thanksgiving. I will warn you that it starts off with a word a lot of people don't like, but it was in rebuttal to some of the things Trump was saying at the time it was written. I also like Jeannine Hall Gailey, and you might enjoy her poem about Martha Stewart Guide to the End Times.  

I don't like how much of a bummer this post is. So here are some books I'm excited about: Ten Things that Never Happened by Alexis Hall. I have this on audio and I'm excited to listen. Hall is so freaking funny. I got my hands on an early, early copy of Megan Bannen's follow up to the Undertaking of Hart and Mercy, The Undermining of Twyla and Frank. I know I've babbled on here before how much I loved Hart & Mercy, so I will be attacking this book with unfettered glee. I plan on reading as much of my TBR for the rest of the year and watching silly movies and going full goblin. 

What books bring you comfort? What books are you excited about?

--Lish