Health Update and the future

Thanks so much for all the kind comments, it's been really helpful knowing that so many people are genuine.  

Went to my mothers last night, my son came over and we all had pizza, it was nice.  On the way home we needed to call in Tesco to get some food, I bottled it, I was too scared to go in, I felt that everyone would be talking about me and looking.  The paranoia is really scary, I was fine at the Doctors but anything remotely social scares the crap out of me.

I played Anthem for about 30mins last night and am due to play coop on Friday with 3 other people, that thought is really scary as I will be required to talk to people, it's probably not going to happen.  Am doing a video diary for the mental health specialist so he can get an insight into how I feel, it also helps me cope and get some confidence back.

I was up again until 5:30am, could not sleep, head racing with thoughts, I tried to write a simple message to my subscribers as I can't face a microphone at all, it ended up with a semi rage quit and off to bed, I did get 6 hours sleep and it's now afternoon, my body thinks it's morning.

I feel really bad that so many people have no idea what is happening on the channel, Cass said she will email all my Paypal donators today if I don't get a message up on WAB.  I could open comments again but I know there are a load of people just waiting to bash me and it's something I really could not deal with, even if I don't read them I know they are there, it's not something I want to do at all.  I also don't want to advertise my mental health to the world either, it's a shit situation, I honestly feel like deleting the entire channel and just calling it a day. 

The thought of doing a review and putting it up to the world is so scary, I have lost all my confidence as a person in both work and social situations, I hope this specialist has some coping measures that help me, if not I feel it is going to be a long road to recovery, am so angry that I let this happen.  Please take notice of this and never let this happen to you, put your health before work.

Mack