Children's Stories from Today's Episode

The Little Boy Who Became Trump by P.B. Sandwich

Once upon a very recent time, there was a school

And most of the little kids there were very cool

There were human kids and donkeys too

The donkeys were good with virtue true

Some of the students were elephants there

That might sound fun, but please beware

The elephants were actually quite bad indeed

And supported doing all kinds of misdeeds

One little boy believed that the elephants were OK

He decided to become their leader one day

He gave a speech saying donkeys were bad

He riled up the elephants and made them all mad

He riled up puppies, he riled up eagles

He even riled up beagles and seagulls

Then one little girl stood up so regal

And said to the boy, "No person is illegal"

All the good guys clapped at this gesture

For she pointed out that the boy was a jester

Instead of letting his followers bad feeling fester

She taught them how to be doctors and investors

Now everyone was sharing in the prosperity

Thanks to this little girl's moral clarity

No longer was there any classroom disparity

All it took was a little truth and sincerity

She had made them immune to all his artillery

And that little girl's name—was Hillary

The Obstreperous Salesbeagle by Silly Dr. Crazyman (pen name of P.B. Sandwich)

bloobie boodle was a blue beagle dog

he doodled and scribbed in his journal log

he dreamed to be a famous new yorker writer

with his pen and pad he had many an all-nighter

to impress the staff of his favorite publication

he decided to sell subscriptions across the nation

the hallowed pages that had brought him such elation

he would now share with people in many locations

silly stevie sue was a silvery seagull

who did not want a new yorker subscription from a beagle

i will not buy your publication, said he!

just leave me alone! just leave me be!

bloobie boodle would not take no for an answer

after all, the new yorker was a brain enhancer

how could this silly gull with wings of silver

not want to read a 10,000 word profile of Nate Silver?

i think you're making a big mistake said bloobie boodle

if you don't like the words, you could read the funny doodles

or reviews of new york city's finest noodles and strudel

this magazine is the whole kit and caboodle!

i will not read it said silly stevie sue

as it stands i already have enough reading to do

i will not read it on the train or in the vestibule

i will not read it while, i dunno, riding on a mule?

you're making a mistake said boodle the dog

you won't find analysis like this on any old blog

they profile both heroes and demagogues

plus the talk of the town is hardly a slog

if you subscribe now you can get six weeks free

not bad for fiction, satire, and commentary

lest you forget there's also free swag

cause if you order now you'll receive a tote bag

stevie the silvery seagull was now in a rage

i will not do it! I will not read a page!

not a review of the broadway stage! nor a profile of john cage!

i will not read a piece about the decline in median wage!

i will not do it on the F train, I will not do it in manhattan

plus conde nast does not need their pockets fattened!

and you mention to me a free tote bag

i will not tote it, i will not read this rag!

then bloobie boodle did something strange

hoping silly stevie's mind would now change

bloobie read aloud a piece from David Sedaris

About a Christmas memory he once cherished

The prose was so funny that silly stevie smiled

By this magazine he had been beguiled

And it turned out the commentary was actually quite incisive

Which Stevie found refreshing in a political environment so divisive

You see, said the beagle, this magazine is grand

So much news and analysis in the palm of your hand

Basically, they like to analyze the news granularly

And release their work 47 times annually

This is amazing, the humbled seagull said

I will read it at home, i will read it in bed

i will read it knowing their reporting is not discredited

because it's rigorously fact checked and copy edited

that's right, said bloobie boodle the blue beagle pup

this magazine is really smart, and that's wassup

The Dog Who Didn’t Want To Get A Job

Once upon a time there was a very fluffy little dog. While all the other little dogs would play, fetch toys and bark, this little dog just liked to lay around. He liked to lay around because his fluffy fur was super comfortable and warm.

One day, his owner Mr. Brown woke up the fluffy little dog. He said, “Fluffy little dog, get up and run around! There’s plenty of things to do!”

“Like what?” said the fluffy little dog. “I’m very comfortable right now. I don’t want to turn over. I’m laying in the perfect sun spot. You better have something really good for me or I’m staying right here!”

We could go into the yard and play with a ball!

It would get my fur dirty! I wouldn’t like that at all!

We could go to the park and take a long walk!

I don’t want to do that! What do I look like, some jock?

Let’s go to the beach and let the sun shine!

I’d rather stay at home in bed and drink all my wine!

Let’s go to the groomers and clean up your mane!

I’d rather stay in bed and drink my champagne!

Well you can’t sit around and do nothing your whole life! How will you get a job? A career? A wife?

If I ever have those, stab me with a knife! All those things sound like nothing but strife!

That’s it, Little Dog! You need some direction!

You just sit around all day getting yeast infections!

No way! Said the dog, I don’t want any reflection!

I just want to live a good life with no introspection!

Eating cookies, candies, gumdrops and cakes

Getting blasted on wine and staying up late

I want to watch Youtube videos in bed and play with my worm

Blasting loads on my stomach and forget to wipe the sperm

This is my greatest desire on God’s Green Earth

To do absolutely nothing in life after my birth.

With that, the little dog went back to sleep

As poor Mr. Brown simply stared at his feet

My lazy little dog does sure has some quirks

How do I tell him he has to without being a jerk?

I don’t want my little dog to grow into a porker

There just aren’t enough jobs as an opinion columnist at the new yorker

If only there was a job where you had to do no work

But what job could have such a wonderful perk!

Mr Brown thought long and hard while the little dog slept. How could he tell his little dog that he would have to get a job to survive? Suddenly, he had an idea and burst to his feet! He gathered some paper and some pens and some ink! He worked busy into the night, as the dog laid asleep so still and polite!

The dog was so cozy that in his dreams, he had a good dream where he was having a good dream while he was sleeping. He dreamed of free wine, Xbox Game Passes, full-length feature film pornos, and microwaveable meals. The lazy little dog finally woke up and it was late in the evening.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” said Mr. Brown.

“Huh?” said the lazy little dog, rubbing his eyes.

“Rise and shine, little dog! I figured out how we both can get what we want!”

“Forget it,” said the little dog. “I’m not going to get a job.”

“But what if I told you you could have a job where you don’t have to work?”

“WHaaa?” The little dog said, amazed.

Mr. Brown handed the little dog some paper, some pens, and some markers.

“What’s this?” said the Little dog.

“If you want a job where you don’t have to work, just be a children’s book author! It’s basically money laundering because the kids never get to choose the books they read so it doesn’t matter what’s in them. Parents just buy stuff with different moral messages because they are afraid to talk to their children and just hope that they gloss stuff off of other stuff.”

“Oh, wow!” said the happy little dog.

And so, the lazy little dog became a children’s book writer. He write 5 books over fifteen years and each book was only 30 words long. The little dog became a great big fat old dog who was just as lazy and he ate good food for his entire life and watched funny shows and he laughed and laughed and laughed and he drank as much wine as he wanted and no one ever yelled at him or told him what to do again.

Buggy Johnson’s Very Long And Very Sharp Toenails

When Buggy Johnson woke up in bed

his bed sheets were all torn to shreds

How did this happen while I was sleeping along?

Am I somehow sleeping all wrong?

No, it seems, the culprit was his feet

with long, sharp toenails cutting up his sheets

“Disgusting! Crude!” Buggy yelled at his toes

And he cried in bed because of his woes

So he burst out of bed and found some nail clippers

And tried to cut them before they got any bigger

But the nails were too strong and the clippers shattered

And as they hit the floor the pieces all clattered

His mother came running in, said Buggy what’s wrong?

“I tried to cut my nails but they are far too strong.”

“Well why would you want to cut your beautiful nails?”

“Because the cut my sheets to tatters like sails!”

“Oh honey, that’s just nature, and you are growing up.”

“Just like growing Rodney hair and girls getting big cups”

“Life is beautiful and your toenails are perfect”

You are a cherub and your nails should be left unchecked

You should never, ever yell at someone for long toenails, especially an adult

Because it’s the same thing as being racist, sexist, an insult

Long beautiful toes that cut you is not assault

Because I am just me. If you get hurt by them it’s not your fault.

EVERY TOE NAIL IS BEAUTIFUL

THE LITTLE NEW YORKER

there once was a little new yorker

he was sad because he had nothing to read

then one day, he saw someone reading a news paper

but the contents of the paper were too low culture for the little new yorker

what shall I do he cried

then suddenly, he had an idea

I got it! I'll start my own publication! it will be full of culture and stories and essays! And the bundle will be a steal at only be $169.99 a year!

the magazine was a hit and soon, all the other little new yorkers were reading it

And everyone knew that the world was a better place now that it could get all of its culture from one source. The End.

One girlfriend, two girlfriends, three girlfriends Oh My!

One day there was a man named Steve who loved his girlfriend. He liked to take her on dates for ice cream and a ride in the row boat.

Steve liked having a girlfriend so much. "Why didn't I do this sooner!" he said.

Because Steve was so happy and feeling so good, he decided to get another girlfriend.

This girlfriend he liked to take to pick fruit and swim at the beach.

It was so fun for Steve to be with two women at once.

"Wow! My life is amazing now!" Steve called out. "I should get ANOTHER girlfriend!"

This time, Steve took his third new girlfriend to the movies and to a baseball game too.

"This is really the funnest time I've ever had." Steve shouted.

But one day, the girlfriends found out about eachother and because of jealousy, their hearts became evil. The girlfriends teamed up to try to ruin Steves fun life.

"Oh why does the worst thing in the world always happen to me! I just Want to have fun with my pretty girlfriends!"

Then all of a sudden, an angel appeared. "Mystical Greetings, steve. Be not afraid." The angel sang.

Steve started to dance like crazy because he knew it would all be ok. The angel made all of Steve's girlfriends forget any of it happened so Steve was able to start over and date them all once more. He even might date some other new girlfriends too. It was truly a miracle.

The End.

Boogers Come from Me

Boogers Come from my Nose

I make them myself

Boogers are in the nose

The nose is neighbors with the mouth

IF a booger wanted to move to the mouth that would be ok