kina diaries: infertility
Added 2020-07-17 17:07:49 +0000 UTCinfertility is rough. like really rough. i first shared about my experience a year ago. since then it has become an even bigger part of my day-to-day existence, but at some point i stopped knowing how to talk about it and now it feels like i've been going through the world mute.
i have wanted to be a mom since i was a kid. family is sacred to me. even more so than my dream to pursue music, my dream to have a family has always been the most near to my heart. i know there are many means to have a family, and of course i believe they are all valid and beautiful. but i also know i can't force myself to be further along on this journey emotionally than where i'm at.
since january, we have been deep in the world of IVF. this chapter of infertility has been such a longer, more intense, anxiety-ridden, and heartbreaking process than i'd ever imagined. it is test after test after test. it's blood draws every other day, and being poked and prodded in all sorts of violating ways. it's giving yourself 3-4 shots every day. it's hormones that throw you straight into the deepest depression. it is waiting upon waiting, and all the while, living with the fear that after all of this, you still may never get pregnant. it's doing a full month-long round of meds and procedures to get zero viable embryos. it's watching as your friends become pregnant one by one and slowly the beautiful community you once had is now almost too painful to think about.
it's also getting pregnant after nearly 4 years of trying, only to miscarry two days later. which brings us to the present.
i am crushed and empty and heartbroken. but i also know i will be okay. i am breathing. i have a beautiful life. i have beautiful people in my life. IVF exists and there are doctors dedicating their lives to this, and i am privileged to even have the means to pursue it. on some level it feels wrong to talk about something like this when the world is on fire in the way it is. horrible injustices abound that are so much bigger than my dream to become a mother.
and yet, here i am sharing. to feel less alone. for openness and connection and hopefully some healing, too.
needless to say, this is why i’ve been a bit quiet lately and why i haven’t been releasing the new songs at quite the clip i’d have liked to. thank you all so much for your patience. really hoping and can share more music soon. 🤍
xo
kina
Comments
you'll try other ways, if plan A doesn't work, then there are another 25 letters to try.
Xuyi Wang
2020-11-23 22:41:21 +0000 UTCThis is heartbreaking. I can only imagine how it must feel like. I know what you mean. Family is such an important part of my future too. Getting it denied is a peculiar pain without proper words. Thank you for sharing. I wish you both strengh and endurance. The pain might never dissolve but you are incredible humans that are not alone. I hope you will find comfort. I don't think different injustices and misfortunes are comparable. They are all important in their own right. Even with the world burning, personal topics retain the highest significance. We can't change the world unless we look into our own worlds - and find shelter in others.
2020-07-26 13:31:02 +0000 UTCA PS while we're at it, Quick find a mirror and look into it....just prepare yourself to be amaaaaaazed at what you'll see !!
2020-07-24 14:35:52 +0000 UTCsurround with a Dee. Also, you can consider your fansas your extended family. Love, love, love !!
2020-07-24 14:33:25 +0000 UTCMy Dearest, my response is quite late but always better than never as they say. A) Remember the guy in that spaceship saying NEVER give up NEVER surrender !! b) Also, take note that in a way you ARE a mother : alllllllll your amzing songs are your children !!!!! And we love them soooooo much c) OF COURSE, fan for LIFE d) I burn a lot of candles for friends, family, colleagues, strangers so I'M adding my name to the list !! e) My prayers are for the 2 of us and allow me to surrounf the 2 of you with a spectacular aura of love !! TAKE HEART !!!!
2020-07-24 14:32:20 +0000 UTCDear Kina, I hear how your dream to have a family is so, so close to your heart, so sacred and so precious. And how you're watching your friends get pregnant and no doubt feeling torn between joyful celebration with them and a realisation that you're not partaking in this world, moreover, you're currently excluded from this world, a world your heart aches and longs for. Each glimpse of their little ones, I'm guessing, reminds you of your own, ongoing trying journey. I have no easy answers here. I honour your and Jesses' painful journey and honour the beautiful humans you both are. May you allow the words of fellow Kinards to wrap an invisible cloak of love around you, to remind you that you are love; and that love is our first and last hope in this journey we call life.
David W
2020-07-24 08:55:24 +0000 UTCon YouTube*
2020-07-22 21:22:38 +0000 UTCThinking of you! I just wanted to share that my wife and I have used your music to help our baby sleep. We've been singing along as best we can :) She's 3 months old now. I appreciate you sharing these difficult moments. You're making a difference to so many through your music and also your vulnerability, so I say thank you.
2020-07-22 17:06:23 +0000 UTCDearest Kina. The process of grief about our dreams, is long. Is a tunnel, full of ppl like us, but, every step towards the exit is ours too. Every one has different times to assume what we understand as the reality, and the limitations of it. We, as kina lovers, huggers, or listeners support you in every way, and we are here for you, accompanying every step of your journey as a human ( a great and beautifull one) being. Some of us simply like you, for yourself, and understand the times that you have to go through. Some of us have seen similar situations at work or family, and as friends and family, we are here, beside you, behind you, or sometimes ahead of you, we are close in mind and soul. We send you, bunch of love, and good vibes, and prayers, hoping that it helps you a little bit in this lovely journey we all are. I hope that all that you are going through, reveals his purpose soon enough for you to find comfort in your beutifull heart, that all of us have known. Sending you a huge hug, huge as hope.
Edgar Giovanni Pinto Peredo
2020-07-21 02:04:32 +0000 UTCgrieve and cry and hope and desire.... none of it is wrong, all of it is painful and real. there is so much love in everything you do... the way you give and share... we all wish the best for you - joy, peace, happiness, motherhood... and none of us are in control... there are no answers and no consolations. all is a part of the sacredness of life. as-is. beautiful. hard. real. sending much love and gratitude your way
2020-07-20 20:21:06 +0000 UTCVery sorry to hear this Kina. I have a friend who has the biggest heart , and also a huge fan of yours. He's adopted, and it never bothered him . he's a doctor now working in the frontlines. And I feel honoured to know him and his family are the kindest souls . Thank you for all the years of your songs and lullabies that got us through the years. Know we are in your corner. Keep trying.
Vinny Lee
2020-07-20 16:34:03 +0000 UTC
