❤️ The Shy Pervert Blog ❤️ [Entry Four] [The Pursuit of Personal Management] [It's Okay Not to Always End on a High Note]

So, I think I make no secret of the fact that I am permanently a little bit exhausted. I know that might not be overly inspiring, but it’s the truth. I find most everything a little bit daunting, a tad uncomfortable, and even just a smidge of “oh, for the love of god, please no”.

I am a deeply awkward, misshapen, off-kilter individual, and unfortunately, I’ve spent a long time reeling against that fact. I’ve studied things I had no interest in, pretended to like people I didn’t, agreed to things that set my teeth on edge - all in a sad little attempt to be “a social, well-adjusted, friendly, extroverted, promising young person”.

Now, I could tell you that since making said mistakes, I slowly but gradually came to inner peace, reconciling myself that I will never be what I feel I should be. That I am completely and utterly okay with who I am, the choices I’ve made, and fundamentally where I’m at with myself. And it would be lovely if I could tell you that, but in the interest of not being completely full of shit, I really just can’t do that.

I am probably always going to find fault with myself, with how I say things, how I handle myself and other people, how I behave and how I feel. The complication of being a person really does get old and I’m not gonna pretend otherwise. Being a person is challenging and frustrating and sometimes just damn near impossible.

HOWEVER. And yes, it’s a big HOWEVER, I still think it’s worth seeing all this bullshit through. Because, well, not all of it is bullshit. A great deal of it might be, but not all of it, and certainly not the important stuff.

See, I realise that whilst I’m joyfully beating myself with the self-deprecation stick, that I actually have a great deal to feel proud of. I have an amazing family, a wonderful partner, a lovely home, and a semi-stable weird job. I have, in the conventional sense, my happily ever after. And yet, I am still me, still as unsure, still as flawed, still as wanting more from myself.

I guess what I’m trying to say in all this appalling long-winded twaddle is: even if you get everything you ever wanted, even if you smash it and meet someone amazing, have kids, have a nice house, you will still have yourself to deal with. And I know, you probably didn’t need to hear that, but I think I do. I think I need to know that it’s okay to still be the little fuckwhit I ever was, even in the best of circumstances.

I think I need to hear that I am never going to be finished, never going to be done, never going to be my optimal, imaginary, amazing self. I am always going to be me, whether successful or not, married or single, mentally well or otherwise. I am me. And I’m just going to have to do the best I can at managing me.

As the ever poignant Dylan Moran so perfectly said: “You’re not really an adult at all. You’re just a tall child holding a beer, having a conversation you don’t understand.”

It’s very, very easy, especially when things aren’t going well, to fantasise and dream and believe that “it’ll be better when”. When you have your own place, when you get a girlfriend, when you lose your virginity, when, when, when. And in and of itself, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having aspirations and goals. We need goals and the stress that comes with achieving them to give us momentum and get us out of bed. We need it, but we also need to manage them and the importance they play in our lives.

As every well-meaning, sensible person says: “too much of anything is a bad thing”.

So, to come full circle: I think the main, terribly obvious theme throughout life is - management. We need to accept the fact that upkeep is probably one of the single most important things we can do for ourselves. We need to manage and control and look after ourselves. We need to put effort and consciousness into acceptance, into enjoyment, even into just being able to sit still and not go down the self-pitying rabbit hole.

We are our own personal, life-long project. And I am with you, I really don't understand the assignment either. But maybe they’ll give us points for creativity when it comes to handing in.

Who knows? Certainly not me. But we already knew that.

Anyway, if you take nothing else away from this very strange, well-intentioned post, please take this:

I am with you in every mistake, every bad, unhelpful thought, every doubt and worry. I am walking anxiety and depression and unmarketable mental illness. I am the stuff you wouldn’t put on social media.

I am every part of you you don’t want to show. And even still, there are moments, feelings, and most certainly people in my life that make all that a little less painful.

And maybe on a better day, I’d have something a little more positive to end on. But for today, this is what is sincere.

Relating to you always,

Tea