✨ 🍵 Spilling Tea 🍵 ✨ [Why Your First Time Will Probably Suck & Why That's A Good Thing] [Monthly Newsletter] [June 2021]

Today's topic: Why Your First Time Will Probably Suck & Why That's A Good Thing [In My Opinion]

To put it simply - nobody’s born a sex god. Nobody.

Doesn’t matter how much porn you watch (in fact that can be a hindrance), how long you’ve been masturbating, or the depth and variety of your sexual fantasies - if you don’t have hands-on experience - you can’t learn the skills.

So, it’s your first time: you’re nervous, you’re excited, you’re full of wonder and promise, realising that the past how many years of “what it’s gonna be like?” has finally come to a head. And then you do it… and, who knew, you have a lot to learn.

Now I’m not saying that the first time is gonna be disastrous, in fact, it can be exciting, intimate, and heck, even good. But let’s face it - it’s still your first time, and first timers make mistakes. Whether it’s not being able to come, ripping the condom, or having no idea what to do with your partner’s privates - it’s gonna be a learning experience. And that is absolutely how it should be. Sex, like anything else, is a skill, something we get better at with practice. It really is as simple as: time + effort + repetition = improvement.

And yes, some people might take to it much quicker than others, but that’s just how it is with anything else - some people have an affinity for art, sport, music, cooking, fixing things, etc, that doesn’t mean they didn’t have to put the hours in and learn from their mistakes. My point being - whether you’re naturally good at something or not, you can only get better at it if you put conscious effort and time into learning. And sex is absolutely no different.

So, please don’t be discouraged if things don’t go to plan - because, well, they probably won’t go to plan. In our best, most wish fulfilled scenario, we’d all be boinking like rabbits, coming in unlimited loads, and making our partners cry out like hentai MILF’s. And with regards to fantasies, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this kind of logic. It’s your fantasy, you do you, let your freak flag fly. But when it comes to sex it’s important to recognise the need for reality and real life limitations. People don’t fuck like they do in porn, they don’t always get hard instantly, they don’t drool and call out uncontrollably, and sadly, boys, they don’t squirt milk from their titties. I know, it’s a sad day for us all.

With all that being said, sex does not have to be this uninspiring consolation prise that cannot compare with porn. Not in the least, it’s not inferior to porn, it’s just different. And more importantly, it’s like anything else worth having, it takes effort and work to get what you want out of it. If you’ve never touched a clitoris before, how the hell would you know what to do with it? If you’ve never been inside someone, how do you know what pace to set? If you’ve never gone down, how do you know how to alternate between kissing and licking and sucking? Well, you don’t, you can’t, you won’t. And you can’t feel bad about that. All you can do is get stuck in there, try your best, and learn as you go.

So many of us have awkward, strange, even funny sexual experiences that we are most definitely the majority. Even people who have been sleeping together years can and will have off days. Heck, people have off days with themselves. How many times have you started to masturbate, but then, just couldn’t get there. Sex is not separate from the rest of our lives. It can be effected by stress, emotions, exhaustion, trauma, and so much more. Where we are mentally has a huge impact on how we perform in our day-to-day lives, sex being no exception.

So, talk to the person you’re sleeping with, be honest about what works and what doesn’t, help each other try to understand your wants and inclinations. I know it’s not as easy as porn, but that’s the entire point. Porn is passive, it requires very little from us, just some basic attention and a hand on our junk. Sex is active, it’s an act for two or more people, we have more than just ourselves to think about. It asks a lot more, and with time and effort, it delivers a lot more. As I said, they’re just entirely different animals. And so long as we don’t confuse the two, there’s nothing to say we can’t enjoy them both.

So, I guess, my fundamental point is - don’t worry about messing up, you’re gonna mess up, just like your partner, and every other person on the street. Just give it time, effort, and proper communication with the person you’re sleeping with. As they say, education never really stops, we are a continuous work-in-progress, constantly learning and trying new things. So, don’t put pressure on yourself, don’t treat it like a sprint to the finish line. Your sex life isn’t a 100 meter dash, it’s a lifelong marathon, and you have the time to figure yourself out and grow as a partner.

Think of it like this - nobody expects you to ace driving on your first lesson - apply the same logic to fucking. Take it session by session and know that your partner will probably have all the same anxieties plus a few more. No skill is born, just earned. So, enjoy the earning, embrace the mistakes, and know we all start out as clumsy as the next virgin.

As always, I really appreciate that life isn't one size fits all. These are just my thoughts, I hope they can be of some use to you.

Best wishes,

Tea