Remiel's Enlightenment - Chapter 6

(Ebook) (All) (Ch. 1) (Ch. 2) (Ch. 3) (Ch. 4) (Ch. 5) (-----) (Ch. 7) (Ch. 8) (Ch. 9) (Ch.10) (Ch.11) (Ch.12) (Ch.13) (Ramda Dakimakura)

Writing this remiel chapter was very challenging because I draw on a lot of my, and my friends' trans experiences in it. And I wanted to do it all while balancing Remiel's exploration of his gender identity with his timidness.

Remiel and Ezzie dig down into Remiel’s gendered feelings after the surprising sexy experience he just had.

Remiel's Enlightenment - Chapter 6
by Zmeydros
(Edited by Tiliquain and Secretskunk)

Ezzie got a bucket from under the sink, filled it with warm water, and started cleaning up our mess. She could probably tell by the look on my face that I was not gonna be able to find words for a bit. Her half-hard dick was on full display as she cleaned her own cum off of it. Then slowly worked to clean between my legs, getting a groan out of me. The couch had a purple-diamond-patterned non-staining fabric that liquids beaded up on.

Before she could wipe up the pearly white streak she'd left on my chest when one of her spurts missed the space between my legs, I scooped some up with my fingers and tasted more of her salty spruce-tea-like jizz. The warmth in me deepened as my crotch tingled. It was like Ezzie had flipped on a light switch inside me that I didn't even know I had. Even though I was blushing, I licked it up and was rewarded with more of that warm feeling.

"Feeling good, girl?" Ezzie asked.

Four letters. One word. Tears blurred my vision as butterflies, millions of them, swirled around in my chest.

"Oh! Sorry! I should've asked before calling you that," Ezzie hugged me from the side, the wet washcloth laying against my arm.

As tears traced down my temples, I said, "I'm not sad."

"Oh good." She squeezed me, "You're safe with me hon. I won't pry or anything, I'll just hold you close while you let all those emotions out."

No, I couldn't be trans, I couldn't like being called a girl. But why was I so happy and blushing? And I couldn't stop crying because my emotions were a mess. Why was I so fragile? When she'd talked about my pussy, I'd felt so... Damn it!

My heart pounded as a question spilled out of my mouth. "Am I trans?"

She held me more firmly. "You could be a lot of things, non-binary or genderfluid, even. I'm pretty sure you're not cis, however."

I sniffled and she grabbed a tissue from the box on the coffee table.

After blowing my nose, I asked, "I've seen those words, but I'm not completely sure what they mean."

"Non-binary and genderqueer both mean that your gender identity lies somewhere outside the simple male and female boxes. Genderfluid means you feel more masculine sometimes and more feminine other times. Cis means that your gender identity matches the gender you were assigned at birth," she said.

"Where do you fit in all that?" I asked.

"I'm non-binary and see myself as a herm through and through. Somewhere between male and female, preferring women's clothes and presentation most of the time." She paused, remembering something. "Though, I love dressing in men's clothes sometimes now that I have breasts and such a clear feminine shape. I can rock a tuxedo, especially if I'm only wearing the suit jacket on my upper half. Makes for an epic boob window."

Thinking about having breasts while wearing a tuxedo gave me more odd butterflies. "You said you thought you might be trans when you were eighteen? Why?"

"It started in puberty. I hated body and facial hair and the more of each I got, the more I felt like my body was wrong, that I was wrong somehow. I felt nervous around my closest male friends. I'd be hanging out playing video games and feel the same way most people felt on a date. And I kept wanting them to do something to me, something that wasn't normal gay sex. Something my body couldn't do," she said. "I liked women too, but I felt fake being with them, like I would never be enough."

My heart raced as I avoided thinking about how familiar that last part sounded. "That must've been really hard."

"Oh, it was. Later I tried anal with guys and getting pegged by a woman. They helped, but I still felt like something was missing. I wanted to be penetrated somewhere else. A place I didn't have." She cupped my balls and then applied pressure behind them. "I think you know the rest."

I shuddered and gasped, blood rushing to my prick. It was like Ezzie had my launch codes. I was completely at her mercy.

She let go and put her hand on my belly. "I don't know what you ultimately need, girl, but I think you should join me in VR sometime. I'll show you how to try out having a snatch."

"What?" My shaft throbbed harder as my cheeks burned.

"Full immersion VR can trick the brain pretty well. It's not perfect, but it would allow you to explore gender stuff without making any big decisions," she said.

"Are you serious? I could be a herm and feel stuff?" I asked.

Ezzie nodded. She had a twinkle in her eye, like she knew she had me.

A wave of excitement hit me so hard I giggled. Then I put my hands over my mouth.

"You even laugh like a girl," she said, kissing my cheek.

I squirmed. When I was a kid, I giggled a lot, but I got teased about it so much I'd learned to laugh more like a guy. Ezzie was bringing things out of me that I'd tried to bury my whole life. Maybe I was, had always been... No! I pushed that thought out of my head.

"After you knew you were a trans herm did you just go out and get--" I couldn't say it, so I pointed at her equine shaft. "--those parts?"

"I would've just gotten normal human ones, but I've never really felt like a human. Mixed in with my gender dysphoria was species dysphoria. That realization came from doing stuff with Ramda."

"Species dysphoria?" I blinked.

"Not feeling like a human body represents your true self. Lots of people that are more attracted to modded people than normal people have it. And I have it bad." She sighed. "I'm really jealous of Ramda, actually."

My neck started to ache. Was I just like Ezzie? Maybe I just liked her so much I wanted to believe I had the same problems she did. Yeah, that was probably it. Plus, who would want to be just a normal human if given the chance to be something more interesting?

"Jealous?" I prompted.

"She knew what she wanted and just went for it. And I'm sitting here still indecisive when there's a way I can get modded practically for free," she said.

"Are you trying to figure out how you want to be modded?"

"Well, I've had the same fursona for about a year, but before that I had a different sona for a few years. I'm afraid I'll change my mind again." She traced a finger along my sternum.

"Fursona?" I asked.

"An animal-modded persona I used when interacting in VR and online," she said.

"Oh! What was your old one like?" I asked, thinking of how much fun I'd had playing characters with animal characteristics in games that got past Trinity's censors.

"First one was a Lezveioan, they've made a fortune by selling cheap, fully-outfitted models to people that want to experience being one. I think they enjoy corrupting people with their hermyness."

"Did you do anything to make your model unique?" I asked.

She nodded. "Mine was green with darker green spots and had a horsecock and mare parts instead of Lezveioan equipment most of the time."

I wanted to ask about Lezveioan equipment, but I was too embarrassed to get myself to do it. "What's your current fursona like?"

"Let me pull that up." She looked at the wall the couch was facing and it flickered before displaying a green dragon with darker green spots. Her breasts were a bit larger than Ezzie's, but all of her was bigger than Ezzie. The scale to her left showed she was two point two meters tall. Her balls were heftier, she had a mane going down from the top of her head to a third down her tail, she had two ivory horns swooping up and back, and she had a thick dragon tail. But overall, there was something odd about her.

"She's part horse?" I asked.

"Yep! An equine dragon." Ezzie grinned. "Horsey muzzle, a mane, and horse parts."

A thick dark-green horsecock, bigger than Ezzie's, pushed out of the model's sheath. Then she had the model lay back and lift her balls before spreading her dark green, almost black horse pussy showing the pink inner folds.

I bit my lip as my prick hardened so fast that it hurt. "She's gorgeous!"

Ezzie grunted as her shaft hardened against my leg. "You really think so?"

"Absolutely, but are you sure you want to be that tall?" I asked. "You'd hit your head on stuff."

"That's what the horns are for." She giggled. "Actually, I've always wanted to be taller. Feeling like I can protect people gives me a lot of peace. Plus, then Ramda might realize she's not as dominant as she thinks she is when I'm plowing her with a cock that's the largest she can take."

I moaned and pre beaded at the tip of my cock. Thinking about them going at it with their modded bodies, it was too much.

Ezzie's dick was quickly reaching full hardness against my leg. "I can't stand it. Whenever I see myself like that, I just have to get off!" Ezzie straddled me and then looked into my eyes. "After I sit on your cock, I want you to push me over and fuck me while I lay on my back. Good, old fashioned, missionary. Oh, and make me suck on my own cock. Sound good?"

I nodded, my shaft as hard as it'd been the first time we did stuff.

She sat on my prick, making both of us moan. Then I followed her directions, feeling my own jizz ooze out of her snatch as I fucked her. She kept asking for me to go harder until our movements were a blur and I was out of breath. Then she was swallowing her load while looking me right in the eye. That got me cumming immediately and I squealed because she grabbed my nipples and tugged as I did so.

After I collapsed on top of her, she hugged me against her front and her cum-drooling prick, saying, "You're submissive in a rather feminine way. Every time I said, 'harder,' you seemed like you were worried you were going to hurt me. And it took a fair amount of reassurance to get you to put your all into it."

"I'm sorry," I said, burying my face in her cleavage.

She held me tighter. "Not something to be sorry about. You've had sex what? Only a few times now? Everyone has different needs and abilities when it comes to sex. You're just barely scratching the surface of what you'll know when you've had as much sex as I've had. Plus, I came pretty hard, didn't I? I thoroughly enjoyed myself and don't regret anything. I found your hesitation adorable, touching even. It was like being with a submissive lesbian who'd been given a big strap-on."

Her description made me want to giggle. And other than suppressing my giggle, I had no idea how to react.

She tickled my neck with her tongue.

I giggled, blushing immediately. Men didn't laugh like this. What was going on with me?

Once I calmed back down, I said, "You should do it."

"Do what?"

"Start changing into that horse dragon form," I said. "You've tried it out in VR, right?"

She nodded.

"Are there any other changes you've tried that you liked more?" I asked.

"No, actually," she said.

"Then it sounds like you've figured out what you want to be," I said.

"I'm just worried I might change my mind."

To think she'd be second guessing herself when she had such a beautiful and sexy idea for what she wanted to be was so sad. But I was even worse: I didn't have the courage to do anything with the fact that I might be trans.

Words poured out of me as my chest tightened. "Don't be like me, Ezzie, don't stop yourself from getting what you want because you're afraid you'll make the wrong choice. You'll just end up doing nothing and be worthless like me."

"You're not worthless." She hugged me.

"I'm never gonna let myself be trans, I can't get out of my terrible job, and I can't do anything for myself." I hid my face with my hands, forcing myself not to cry in front of her.

"You decided to visit me, you decided to let me treat you like a girl, and you acted on your attraction to me," she said. "I understand that you're terrified, but let's be real about tonight. You made me very happy and you probably had some gender euphoria."

"You should get modded and forget about me," I said.

"No, there's no way I'd be able to forget about you." She put her head on my shoulder. "Whether you're a trans girl, genderqueer, genderfluid, whatever, you're safe with me, you can explore it with me. I'll treat you whatever way makes you happiest."

"Why does everyone want to help me? I have nothing to give back," I said.

"Two orgasms," she said.

"What?" I tilted my head in confusion.

"You gave me two orgasms tonight and I had lots of fun playing with your girly side," she said. "You didn't hide yourself from me, you were honest and kind. What more could I ask from anyone?"

"I, uh, I don't know." I sighed. "I'm so screwed, Ezzie. They want me to cut my hair."

"Oh no!" She pushed her fingers through my curls, lazily untangling snarls. "I love your hair."

"Well, it violates Miramanna's dress code and there's not much anyone can do about it. Even Ramda told me she didn't know a way out of it," I said.

"If someone had made me cut my hair when I was growing it out, I would've been devastated." She pulled at some of my long strands, removing dead hairs and tossing them to the floor. "You're going to need something else to help you feel girly, otherwise you might get hit with dysphoria hard when you get it cut."

"Something else?"

"I'm gonna buy you a couple easy-to-conceal sports bras and a few pairs of herm panties: they're girly while still having room for your junk."

"P-panties and bras?" I hid my face, terrified and excited at the same time. "There's no way I can wear those."

"Why not?" She asked.

"I'm not a girl," I said.

"Men can wear bras and panties if they want, plus, I think you're plenty feminine enough to pull them off regardless," she said.

"I'm too much of a coward to wear them," I said.

"You don't have to wear them outside your apartment, but I don't want to push this on you. If you tell me to drop it, I'll hold off on buying them." She stroked my hair. "Is it okay if I pick some out for you? You can return them if you decide you just can't wear them."

I was happy that my tiny nod was felt by her as she continued to stroke my hair because that was all the affirmation I could offer.

"I'll get you some girly knee-high and thigh-high socks too," she said.

I squirmed, stifling a moan as my whole body heated up. "Y-you're spending too much money on me."

"If you get even one giggle out of it, I'm spending the exact right amount," she kissed the top of my head.

After a bit of silence where I had no idea what else to say, she asked, "Do you like your beard?"

"Not particularly," I said.

"Well, I used to have one before I was trans and I later discovered that I was basically using it to hide my face," she said.

My eyes widened. "I don't like my face either."

"Are you hiding it with your beard?"

"Maybe?" I said.

"It might be good to see what's underneath it. If they're gonna force you to cut your hair, you can fight back with some nice smooth skin on your face," she said.

"I lost about forty pounds over the last couple years, so I don't even know what it looks like under the beard," I said.

"There's a chance you might actually like what you find. I used to have a bit of a baby face, but once I was over twenty-two, it looked a lot better."

"I don't even remember what my face looked like before the beard," I said, feeling her cock sliding back into its sheath, gliding across the cum she'd splattered all over our fronts.

"Then it's probably time to find out." She gave me a squeeze.

END OF CHAPTER 6

I’d like to acknowledge my $20+ supporters, Arkona Kothe, Navajo Demar, Skrime, UBA, Warialinth, Xaziana Tenebris for helping make all this possible. Thank you! Thanks to all my other supporters as well. Every one of you rocks!

(Ebook) (All) (Ch. 1) (Ch. 2) (Ch. 3) (Ch. 4) (Ch. 5) (-----) (Ch. 7) (Ch. 8) (Ch. 9) (Ch.10) (Ch.11) (Ch.12) (Ch.13) (Ramda Dakimakura)