Greed God chapter 223

April 12th 2016 Brightedge City, Hall of Nevers, 10:00 AM EDT

I  was sad. Which made me fucking furious. My dad had been killed.  Admittedly, when this happened to most people they got all weepy and  morose, but I wasn't most people. I wasn't supposed to feel...upset. I  snarled, smashing my fist into the wall of the room with a snarl and  then grimacing at the hole it left.

"Now."  Said the gentle voice of Ingrid Karlsson from where she sat calmly in a  chair on the other side of the library. "Do you feel like that was  productive?"

I  whirled on her angrily, eyes flashing draconic gold and green, and  bared my teeth at the little blonde. Give her credit, she didn't even  flinch, just gave me a sad smile that was even MORE annoyingly effective  on me since getting my emotions back. "No." I gritted out tightly. "I  don't. I don't think ANY of this shit is productive. Which is why I want  you to make it STOP."

I  hadn't been able to track down Raven right away. I sent Cherry out to  look into her whereabouts but in the meantime I was unstable and  aggressive, and Dinah had the WONDERFUL idea for me to talk to Ingrid,  who was technically still living at the house, though she spent most of  her time at Arkham since the merge.

Ingrid  shook her head sadly. "That isn't how feelings work Nicholas. You can't  just turn them off. I realize this must be frustrating for you, but  there's nothing I can do about that. You're the only person who can help  you, I'm just here to show you how."

Glaring  at her, I slumped into a nearby chair. "I'm not going to 'own my  trauma' and start crying like a little bitch because my daddy died.  That's not who I am. It's not who I WANT to be for sure. I don't even  know what I'm doing here."

Her  smile became warmer. "Yes you do. You're here because Dinah is worried.  Because seeing her upset for you makes you unhappy." It my narrowed  eyes she chuckled. "That isn't an accusation Nicholas. It's just the  truth. Are you going to let your emotions control you to such an extent  that you lie to yourself and refuse to face reality?"

That...brought  me up short. That was a good question. She clearly knew me at least a  little bit from talking to all the girls, because that was insightful as  hell. It would be the height of weakness to lie to myself like that. I  might be a bleeding heart little bitch like everyone else now, but I  wouldn't be a self-deceiving bleeding heart bitch. My dad had emotions,  and he was every bit the ruthless bastard I had been. Being able to feel  didn't mean I needed to let it own me.

"Fine."  I said shortly. "Dinah is the reason I'm here. Happy? Aside from being  premium pussy she's...kind of important to me. Plus she's carrying my  kid." I buried my head in my hands and snarled in frustration. "And FUCK  why does that scare me shitless now. I have kids coming. TWO kids.  Dinah is going to be a great mom, but Whisper is a bottom heavy  psychopath. What the fuck was I even thinking?"

But  that didn't feel right either. Whisper might be a crazy whore, but she  was MY crazy whore. She was dedicated to me utterly, and I felt like  kind of a dick for even saying that about her. I expected Ingrid to get  offended or upset, but she just gave me that same encouraging smile.  "Maybe you weren't. Having regrets is natural. You're young. Being  worried about children makes sense. Is Whisper the one you're most  worried about?"

I  sighed. "Maybe? Maybe not. She worships me. Literally. I know I can  trust her to do her best with the kids, and Dinah has been taking a firm  hand in getting her stable, which is good because I certainly can't  fucking do it." I raised an eyebrow at her. "You seem much less  judgemental than I was expecting."

Ingrid  giggled. "Nicholas. I've heard a great many things about you living  here. I'm well aware of the more...excessive aspects of your  personality. You're a lustful young man, and manipulative, and somewhat  controlling. But you also CARE. In your own way you always cared about  the people in your life. This is just more of the same. You need to stop  thinking of yourself as a different person."

"Bullshit."  I snapped. "I did NOT care. They were holes for me to use. They were MY  holes, but they were holes. Now they're...fuck if I know. I didn't  fucking sign up for this. Except I did. But not THIS me? Not that I even  have time to think about what they're going to think about this shit  when I'm trying not to blow up on everyone. I just hope that Raven slut  can put my fucking head right."

That  got the first negative reaction from Ingrid, causing her to slightly  frown. "If any of that was true, you wouldn't have done so much for  Waylon. The amount of usefulness you get from him is not commensurate to  the effort you put into making him stronger, not to mention that Sally  belongs to you technically speaking. If she was just a hole for you to  use you'd have used her, regardless of your subordinate's feelings. And I  can't advise allowing someone to suppress your feelings like that. It  won't fix anything."

"It'll  fix ME." I snapped. "Or at least put me back to how I was long enough  for me to upgrade myself again and make it permanent."

"Ah." She said mildly. "So cowardice then. I hadn't taken you for the type."

My  eyes flared and my teeth gritted, claws digging into the chair I was  sitting in. "You better watch that pretty fuckin' mouth of yours doc." I  would have ignored that before. Cowardice wasn't some kind of mortal  insult. It just meant being cautious. But the idea that doing this might  make me less of a man. That I was hiding from my problems, fucking  BOTHERED me.

"Should  I?" Asked the blonde in mild curiosity. "Why? Are you going to attack  me? I doubt you'd assault me sexually, even when you didn't have  emotions that seems to have been a line for you. I suppose you could  always hit me a few times to show me my place. I doubt I could stop  you."

That  brought me up short. I didn't want to do that. Not only because her  bullshit god aura made it functionally impossible, but because that was  another way I would be giving up control of myself. Fuck this was hard. I  took a long, deep breath. "You're kind of nuts yourself, aren't you  doc? No wonder everyone at Arkham responds so well to you."

She  just shrugged. "If hurting me would make you feel better I would  understand. I obviously would prefer you not do so, but my purpose here  is to help you."

I...didn't  even know how to fucking respond to that. That was insane. Like  clinically fucking unstable. Who was willing to let someone beat them up  just to work off stress? Was she fucking crazy? "And what if I decided I  wanted to work off my tension in another way?" I said cuttingly. "You  gonna bend over for me Ingrid?"

It  was childish. I was lashing out. It wasn't a legitimate attempt at  seduction. I'd never made a pass that shoddy at a woman in my life.  Ingrid smiled calmly. "No, Nicholas. I have no desire to have sex with  you at the moment. I wouldn't stop you from using me in that way if you  really wanted to, but I wouldn't participate. Are you planning to have  intercourse with me during this session?"

The  way she said that made me feel a little queasy. Like she was a sex doll  asking if it was getting used. Which was...a weird sensation. I don't  think even with my emotions off I'd have accepted that offer. It was too  close to rape, and I was too prideful for that even when the idea of it  didn't make my stomach turn. But it just drove home how fucking  unnatural her thought processes were.

"That  isn't healthy you know." I had to at least point out the irony. "Like, I  get your whole thing is being a saint, but that level of willingness to  incur harm to help your patients is its own kind of mental illness."

She  nodded thoughtfully. "I think you might be right. But I don't mind. I  care about everyone I work with. I want them to feel safe with me. Even  if they need to hurt me to get that feeling I can take that, as long as  they can get what they need. I want to help people."

I  was literally repulsed by the mindset. "That's...that's disgusting to  me. It's so alien I can't even process it. You're like my polar  opposite. How do you even stand that? Caring about EVERYONE. I can't  even stand caring about a few people."

"I  don't think that's true." Said Ingrid. "I think you like caring about  them. I think you like them caring about you. I think that part of the  reason you agreed to this is because the fact that Dinah and Amaya and  Barbara are worried about you makes you feel loved. You might not think  of it that way, but that's why you were so accommodating."

I  sneered at her. "You know, you were a lot less irritating when I was  planning to seduce and breed you." I paused. "Not that I guess that has  changed too much. Does that put you off? Knowing that I'm planning to  eventually convince you to fuck me?"

Ingrid  shook her head. "Not especially. I don't find you unattractive, I just  find the idea of taking advantage of someone who is grieving  distasteful. I wouldn't be opposed to being part of your relationship  web after you've made progress with your therapy."

The  surprise was enough to jar free an actual laugh, the first I'd made in a  day or two. "I'm sorry, did you just offer me your pussy as an  incentive to improve my mental health?"

Her  smile was a little mischievous. "I didn't. But if you choose to  interpret my comment that way I'm not opposed to that deal. You realize  though that allowing Raven to remove your emotions would make you  ineligible for such an accomplishment."

I  scoffed in amazement. "You know. You're not even remotely the person I  thought you would be. You're almost as fucked up as I am." I exhaled.  "Fuck it. I'm going to be doing this for my girls anyway, because they  would be worried sick if I didn't might as well get a prize at the end. I  hope you're not expecting roses and candle light for our first time.  I'm not really one for that kind of sex."

Ingrid  snorted. "I'm not deaf, and you only added soundproofing to your room  recently. I assure you, I'm well aware of your carnal proclivities.  Regardless, the point is moot if you don't make any actual progress, and  trust me, I'll be able to tell if you're lying."

That  didn't surprise me. Ingrid was more perceptive than I gave her credit  for. Given her unique position among the girls and her listening skills,  I had no doubt she knew more than a few things about me no one else  did. As amusing as the little distraction was though, she was right, it  was time to get back to actually talking. This had been...mildly helpful  so far. I wasn't against keeping it going. "So." I said wryly as I  leaned back in my chair. "I suppose you'll want me to talk about my  mother now?" I had a feeling this little session would be lasting a  while.