From the Desk of Dr Toni Lodge #021

Happy Wednesday!

Today I just want to share something I’m really proud of.

I definitely let my anxiety get the best of me. For years it has been the thing that has kept me indoors, or kept me from saying yes, or moving forward in my life. It stopped me from posting online, it stopped me from making and maintaining friendships, and it stopped me from looking after myself. Like being so scared that if I went to get a facial or other forms of self-care because people would think horrible things about me, or being scared to go to the gym because people would make fun of me for trying. Or that they’d notice me there on a Monday and if for whatever reason I didn’t go the following day, they’d notice and assume I’d given up. So I’d give up.

A massive one for me is that I just don’t want to look stupid. I feel awkward asking people for help or directions or information because I don’t want to be a pain in the butt!

But just after Christmas I joined the local leisure center, which is like a YMCA in America I think? They have a pool, gym and classes, so you can go do your own thing or join a class or PT. I’d been there before to use the pool casually, so I stuck to the pool. And on Sunday night, I saw on the gym timetable they had a small group class circuit thingy at 6am that looked really good.

I wasn’t given a tour or shown anything when I joined, so I didn’t even know where the gym was! (It’s in a separate part of the building off to the side)

I thought about registering for the class, but thought, no I don’t even know where the gym is!

Then I did a bit of research online and found some info about a separate ‘gym’ entrance. But the gym entrance was only accessed by a wrist band. What if my wrist band didn’t work?

If my wrist band doesn’t let me in I’ll have to go to the main entrance which is on another street. So I’ll have to get back in the car and drive around the block to that entrance. By that point I’ll definitely be running late. Not only that, but what if someone sees me try to get into the back door and my wristband doesn’t work? How fucking embarrassing!

What if I just walk into the front main entrance and figure it out? But what if I walk in and everyone sees me looking around and goes ‘pff of course SHE doesn’t know where the gym is! She’s obviously lost!’

Maybe I shouldn’t risk doing the 6am one and do a recce during the day tomorrow and just see if I can work it out myself.

I put this all to a blinding halt and reminded myself: everyone has to do it for the first time once.

So I put every NO thought from my brain in the fucking bin, booked the class, went to the main entrance at 6am and ASKED THE PEOPLE WHO WORKED THERE FOR HELP. And they smiled and pointed me in the right direction.

I walked onto the gym floor with confidence and found the guy I needed to find and SMASHED IT.

I’m really proud of throwing my NO’s in the bin. I hope this inspires someone who might need to throw their NO’s in the bin, if I can do it - you DEFINITELY fucking can.

Or, I’d love to hear some recent times you’ve thrown your NO’s in the bin and just fucking gone for it. It was so exhilarating.

Love you!!! Toni x