[Patreon Announcement] I have taken you for granted

The title says it all, really.

I have not been good to you, my patrons, this is especially true when you consider the fact that you guys are the one supporting my work. That's the clinker. You're not just supporting me, but also my work and let's call a spade a spade. I have not been working, let's not even talk about the patreon rewards.

I wish there was something I could say. Some reason I could give that wouldn't ring hollow. As much as my life has been tipsy topsy lately, I know now that's all just an excuse. There are many out there with greater (real) problems and they still manage to work, to smile and push forward. To call the small bumps I've faced problems and act like they are insurmountable obstacles would be a lie. Why then have I been so out of it?

The truth...?

The truth is that I am scared, petrified really. There's no denying that things haven't worked in a while or that they got worse after Easter despite my supposed recovery. There were challenges before (inconveniences really) but while I did not best them all, I worked with or around them. Now, I cannot help but fear failure. 

That's it!

I was suddenly made aware of just what I am doing. The true reason I was so angry with my dad, why I couldn't write for months afterwards. There was truth to his words. Writing (and supporting myself through it) is a dream; my dream! Unfortunately turning that dream into reality is easier said than done. 

It's like my eyes were opened and I realised just how close to the edge I was. I lost the motivation to write and each new challenge only sapped my will and strength, making it hard for me to continue. The fear of failure was so great that even when looking back at the challenges I had overcome all I saw were fissures and pits I had avoided due to luck as well as reasons not to continue. All my molehills became mountains and my own source of inspiration quickly dried up and died. Why even try if it was just going to be for naught?

Somewhere along the line, I fell completely into the mire and forgot you, my patrons. 

I ignored the fact that I had people who counted on me. People who had already gone the extra mile for my sake. Those pledged to me. I even avoided patreon itself; an acknowledgement of my guilt. You guys aren't just readers, you are patrons. You make my work possible and worthwhile. That I failed to put out (get your mind out of the gutter) is beyond disgraceful. Me doing so without so much as a word, explanation or by the by makes it worse. 

The worst part? I do not know how to make it up to you!

How do I thank all those who support me when frankly I was neither ready nor in the right place for it? How do I tell those I turned away that I'm sorry? What can I possibly say to those who lost faith in me after months of waiting? How do I approach those who despite everything stuck by me?

Honestly... I can't but I will try! 

It is not enough! I know that! It is, however, a start. That's what this all is, a new start. I won't make any promises or empty platitudes. I only ask that you stay and see what I have in store. Things have to change, that much is clear and they would. I am making sure of that! 

To those who stayed, i.e. the patrons who never stopped believing (or simply forgot to cancel), I could not be more grateful. I am going to put myself to the plough so you do not regret that decision. To those who left, thanks for the support you gave me. I am sorry our relationship ended the way it did. To the new guys or any would be patrons, welcome! I will endeavour to do right by you!

Let's get on with it!