BLOG: A MILLION APOLOGIES (FEEL FREE TO SKIP)

Another month, another… bleehhhhh. Sorry. This will be a bit of a misery post. I’ll try not to do too many of them. Believe it or not, I do try not to moan too much, and I do try not to wallow, but I try to be honest and authentic on here, and I'm just feeling fed up.

So, skip it if you don’t want to read it. There’ll be a Doctor Who critique and a new podcast along very soon! And Third Bird's going to be popping up in Bubblegun.

So, what you didn’t see in the new video is that the day we were at Redcar beach… it was a bit depressing for us. We filmed that on the 1st or 2nd of May… and the new Patreon stats had come in. And… they weren’t brilliant. We shouldn’t have looked that day, but I did, and then they got us both down.

It kind of coincided with a number of comments we’d received in the days leading up to it wanting Gannon to come back regularly, and pouring scorn on the current direction…

And me feeling like I was paddling furiously in the filming we’d done up to that point. I realised I was overcompensating and trying too hard to be funny, but I later realised I was actually – inadvertently – channelling Cheapshow to “give people what they want”. I ended up cutting all that stuff out in the edit, because… much as I love those boys, it’s not me really, it's definitely not Sanja, and so it jars with a tone that’s more authentically us.

So… most of the filming was fun and lovely, but yeah… we had a slump in the middle of it where we felt down, and hatched the Bubblegun plan. But… this month at least… that plan hasn’t worked.

Another month on, and we’re in the same boat again. Another big drop. I’m worried, in all honesty. Clearly, a big chunk of our supporters are not here for the new stuff. Clearly we’re not getting content out fast enough. That’s all fair enough. Completely fair enough.

I mean, there’s a world of difference between setting my hair on fire and discussing evolutionary epigenetics! There’s a big difference between, y’know, short videos and long videos. I know, I know. We were just purely comedic. Now we’re documentaries-that-are-also-funny. We were weekly short videos with low views. Now we’re less frequent with longer videos, but higher views when they do drop.

But that’s not translating into this being sustainable long-term; we have to earn a living, and while I’d love to do Digi full-time… that seems further away than ever. So, something needs to change. This model isn't working for us right now.

I know we pivoted, I pissed people off by getting political on here and defending using AI in Digi Level 2, and the missteps are proving brutal – not helped by the fact we’ve a broadcast-quality video about to drop, that I should be excited to put out into the world. One I sunk my heart and soul and countless weeks into.

But – because last month we got reported by a neo-Nazi – I’m worried this video will just disappear into a void like the previous two. Or it’ll once again just get pushed out to Cheapshow and die out of the gate. Sigh! We should be punching the air triumphant with this video! But I just feel nauseous.

And obviously it doesn’t help that it takes time to make the videos to the level that we want them to be, so we haven’t been providing as much content as we used to. We’re favouring quality over quantity, but it seems it’s the wrong sort of quality, or the wrong plan. Or something. I dunno. The last two Digi Level 2s did terribly as well, so maybe there’s no point in me putting in so much effort anymore? Pride can only take you so far if you’re not giving people what they want fast enough.

Sorry. Really sorry. I don’t mean that. Just being self-pitying. It’s a primal howl, that’s all.

We’re so caught between what we want to do, what we absolutely love… and what was working for us before in terms of being crowd-pleasing to a certain audience. It’s so fucking hard, if I’m honest. A few years ago none of this would’ve mattered – because I earned enough money that Patreon was just a lovely bonus. And, ironically, our Patreon was at its height then.

I’d rather we weren’t relying on it at all – I wish we could fund everything ourselves, and didn’t have to ask ANY of you for money - but… it is what it is. I’m sorry. It’s the only way they get made.

And I need – like really, really need after the past few years - to be making content that stands the test of time and doesn’t feel throwaway to me. That’s not a criticism of what we used to do – it was all brilliant and I loved it at the time. I love that so many people loved it. I just don’t know how to do it right now. I wish I could force it, go back to how it was, but I can’t.

So… I dunno. It’s exhausting. We were never huge, but we had a passionate audience who loved what we do. There are days now when I do question whether I can maintain the emotional energy I need to keep going. I find it almost pathologically impossible to half-arse stuff just to put out content for the sake of it. But we do need to do something, and change something up.

We’ve had lovely comments on the new video already, but… there’s part of me - again, sorry - that feels like it’s becoming a waste of time doing this, even with how much we enjoy making them. I could stop it all tomorrow and just throw all my energy back into my writing career.

I don’t want to do that obviously – especially with the state of TV at the moment – and this is WAY more fulfilling. But does there come a point where it’s basically self-harm?

Again: sorry. I’ll just keep apologising. Sanja will kill me for talking like this! Sorry, dear.

We’re putting our heads together tomorrow morning to plan the next few videos – we get so fired-up and excited about making them for you – and record some Bubbleguns (and a BYAMPOD). But… y’know… it’s hard when some people are clearly turning their back on us, even when we understand why.

My hope is that the monthly fall in backers will level off – and that Bubblegun will start to gain some loyalty (we’re still surprised by how well the first few have done, as well as how much we’ve loved doing them).

My fear is that it’ll drop to a level where it’s unsustainable, and I’m going to have to take on more work to cover the shortfall. Which will mean there’s less time to make videos. And then what? I don't want this to be a hobby. It matters too much to me.

And you probably don’t want that either, but the downward trend is still continuing alas. At least for now. I don’t know what to do really. I think if this new video does badly we’ll probably rip the Band-Aid off and start afresh on a new channel.

That offers its own set of challenges at my age, where time and energy is at a premium, but I don’t want to stop – and I don’t want to continue being limited by our past. Especially not when we’re making stuff that we know is world-class and deserves hundreds of thousands of views.

That’s NOT just why we’re doing it of course, but clearly a large chunk of the audience that had grown around us simply isn’t here for where we’re at – and it’s demoralising when they signal that by waving us adieu. Again, even if we understand why.

Anyway. Sorry – again - for being miserable. Sorry fi none of that made coherent sense. That’s just a bit of a brain-dump ramble of where I’m at tonight. I’ll probably wake up tomorrow feeling different and far more positive. Sorry.

Just know that if you are here - at whatever level you contribute - we both appreciate you more than ever. Thank you, as always, for sticking around – and sticking with us (and my misery-posts) – through thick and thin. You’re special, and we’re blessed by you.

Feel free to give me a pep talk. Maybe I should've realised I needed it sooner, and asked for that up-front.

Paul