BORING BLOG ABOUT BEING FAT

Look! Look how stupidly slim I was 12 years ago.

Growing up, I was a lanky bugger, hard as that might be to believe, then I hit 18, and started piling on the weight.

I was bigger throughout most of my 20s, then I got a bit miserable with my life and decided that losing weight would make me happier… and so I lost it. I stayed fairly trim throughout my 30s, primarily because I remained profoundly miserable throughout my 30s. But… I don’t think trim, or slim, is my default setting.

Partly it’s the genes – neither of my parents were exactly slim. Bigger genes run in the family; we’re all sort of barrel-shaped, and pack it on around our jawline.

I'm tall and broad-shouldered with a chest the width of the Grand Canyon, and apparently my body's long and my legs are relatively short, so finding clothes that fit nicely is a pain in the arse. Always has been, and that's only compounded when I put on weight, because it kind of packs on evenly across my torso, rather than giving me a pregnant beer belly. Everything's either too big or too small.

As a family, none of us were ever really big on exercise either, and to this day I find it beyond tedious. I’m fine if I’m doing something that stimulates my brain while moving, but just moving for the sake of it? Ugh!

I love food, but believe it or not I don’t even eat that much. My main issue is I do snack in the evening and at weekends, and I do have a job where I don’t move much, and all of the above is a bad combination. I wish I could flick a switch that made me want to go running or swimming, or go to the gym, but the lack of an urge to do that – combined with a life where free time is at a premium already – has made it impossible. When I eventually crash into a day off, I normally need to recharge by doing as little as possible.

The last time I was at a weight I was relatively happy with was around the time we doing Digitiser The Show. I wasn’t super slim then, but I was slimmer than I had been. Both Sanja and I had done keto, and it worked, but more or less as soon as that series finished filming we stopped it. I think we went on holiday that summer, ate like pigs, and then just carried on. I’ve not really watched my diet since then.

I know all the advice about changing your lifestyle and not doing a short-term diet that you won't stick to. I don't even care right now. I just want to lose some weight, and worry about the after later. I know all the pros and cons of the different diets that are available. Really, the only thing that has worked for me in the past to keep the weight off for any length of time is cutting out snacking. That’s my weakness; snacking in front of the TV.

It hasn’t helped that the last few years haven’t exactly been conducive to dieting. First there was Covid… and then…. Y’know. All that other stuff.

It sounds like an excuse, but having a life that is so packed with demands on our time means I’ve not had the chance to be preoccupied with thinking about my weight. However, editing Digi Level 2 has been a pretty soul-destroying experience. Ego-shattering almost, not helped by unflattering camera angels and costume choices!

The slimmest I’ve ever been in my adult life was right before I met Sanja, and then… we became very happy and settled, and discovered we both love food as much as each other, and we both accepted each other – and still do – and so there just wasn’t the incentive there to lose it. Neither of us have ever told the other when we were putting on weight, and I kind of wish she had held me to account, and was slightly more shallow than she is, because my weight has slowly crept up and up and up over the past few years.

It's weird though. Day to day, I’m more confident in my own skin than I’ve ever been - that's one of the joys of getting older - but when I look at photos of me from 10 or 12 years ago, and compare them with now, I’m embarrassed. Properly embarrassed. I feel I’ve let Sanja down.

Absurdly, I thought I was fat when she met me – never having had a great body image in those days – but I can now see that I was nothing of the sort. It’s genuinely shocking to me how much I’ve changed. 

That photo at the top isn't even the slimmest one of me that I could find. I'm too ashamed to show you the others. I mean, I probably got too slim to be fair, but oh what I wouldn't give...

As a man in my 50s, it'd be unrealistic to feel I need to look like a lanky teenager again, or have a chiseled jawline – I know that for all of us, keeping our looks, staying looking young forever, is a losing battle - but I do want to weigh less. I want to be able to move more freely, and have more energy to play with the grandkids.

And I want Sanja to still like what she sees, even though she insists she still does… WHICH ISN’T HELPING. I’m done with watching back footage of myself and feeling miserable about it, and I’m fed up with comments about my weight – whether they come from friends or on YouTube. It always stings, because - rude and reductive as it is - I know they're right.

So, the reason for this post is to hold me to account. Starting today, I’m on a diet, and apologies if it’s boring, but I’ll check back with my progress every week or so, just to keep myself on course. Losing a couple of stone would do me fine, and I'm not expecting to fast-track it.

I suppose I'm going to have to weigh myself now. Hate doing that.