PAY ATTENTION

Streaming. So... much... streaming... going... on...

But before I get into that... did you have a nice Easter Weekend? Saturday I was bored. Sunday we went through old photos and ate chocolate. That was nice.

This weekend I did notice that streaming in the retro gaming community reached a sort of critical mass. From comments I've seen on Twitter, I'm not alone. Everyone seems to be screaming "Come and watch me do a thing live!!!".

It's great in lots of ways. I've loved the extra stuff that has come out of the Doctor Who community, for instance. Friday I had a very enjoyable evening watching former Marillion frontman Fish do an epic, nearly-two-hours-long, Q&A. This was followed, over on the Marillion FB page, by the band's keyboard player hosting a quiz. 

It seems like every niche community or fandom is getting extra stuff right now, and we're connecting more closely to the people we're fans of. Getting more insights into who they are. Receiving little treats.   

I love it. Really, really love it. There's still tons of big budget stuff to watch, with all the streaming services, but I think the sort of content we get on YouTube and Twitch can offer things that are more personal, more honest. I don't know about you, but I kind of veer between wanting escapism, and wanting to connect with others. Wanting something real and sincere.

YouTubers who I've long watched for their adventures far and wide, I'm now getting to see the inside of their homes, and hearing about who they are. It sounds nosey, but it's more about desiring that sense of connection. 

BUT ANYWAY...

Anyway, I'd wanted to do a little live stream at the weekend. 

For fairly obvious reasons, I've still got a foot in the retro gaming community - my Twitter is pretty much all retro gamers still, and most of my Twitter followers are part of that community. 

Which means that everyone in that community is being pulled left, right, and centre by those launching their own streams. People who've never done it before are doing it. Those who did do it are doing it more than ever. There are epic charity streams lasting literally days, and ones lasting a couple of minutes. Finding somewhere to slot in among that where we're not competing with others in our community is proving impossible. I'm not enough of a self-promoter to feel comfortable shouting for the spotlight to be on us. 

We're not in this for the views. Certainly, right now, I couldn't give a toss about building an audience. As I've said before, I just want to cater to the one we have - whether they're here for Sanja and I sat on a sofa eating crisps, or the weirder stuff, I'm keen to entertain both sides. And in doing so, occupy both sides of my brain.

I just want to connect, and for people to feel they're a bit less alone in all this. I've found it oddly comforting to know that those I'm a fan of are going through the same stuff we all are. 

I dunno if it's a sign, but the Lost Footage eps aren't doing anywhere near as well as the stuff where we just sit and chat. I'm still doing them though! I feel better knowing I'm putting out something that has had time and creativity and love poured into it, rather than just churning out stuff that took me five minutes. Rest assured, you're not going to get any footage of me with my top off doing pull-ups on a door frame while the Space Harrier theme plays, just because I need a quick dopamine hit. I take the greatest satisfaction in creating something of worth. And in as few people as possible not seeing my hairy stomach. 

I know full well we'd have an audience whenever we streamed, and that - of course - streams stay up afterwards, for people to catch up on. I guess there's just part of me that needs to get over the feeling that Digitiser is irrelevant amid all this. It's kind of the same reason I turned down the chance to write a glossy retro gaming book last year. What more can I add to the subject, other than my own perspective? That's another area that's reaching over-saturation. I would prefer to do things nobody has done before.

There's so much else to watch, those who are so much bigger, those who are so much better at the self-promotion than I am, that I'd rather just disappear and leave the spotlight to those who show-off for the sake of showing off. I've got other stuff I can be doing. I don't need to just be another needy content creator, and I don't want to come across as one. 

Which, again, is something I maybe need to get over? Dunno. 

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that I'm more comfortable behind the camera than in front of it. Contrary to all appearances, I'm more introvert than extrovert. I don't need, nor thrive, on attention, so it doesn't take a lot for me to step out of the spotlight. The second something becomes too much of a hassle, I'll be done with it. We're lucky that we generally don't get many shitty comments on our YouTube videos, because it's something that would make me walk away. My need to be making things is outweighed by my need to have a life without people trying to bring me down. Again, its own sort of lazy, dopamine-fuelled, attention-seeking.

We did get one commenter at the weekend who was genuinely aggrieved because he felt we were making light of people who - like himself - suffer from misophonia, and he seemed determined to make every reply I made out to be some sort of attack. I mean, speaking as somebody who suffers from misophonia, I probably wouldn't watch a video which is billed as people eating crisps, but maybe I'm weird. 

Stuff like that is irritating, nothing more. Yet while I can still keep walking on with a single pebble in my shoe, I'd  most likely take my shoe off if it was full of sharp rocks. Just don't need it.

Anyway, that's irrelevant.

SELF-PROMOTION

Fact is, there are those out there who seem to be using this time as an opportunity for self-promotion, to build their brand. There's a sort of look-at-me desperation in it, which I find, really, really unattractive and off-putting; a sense of them using this time for themselves rather than others. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, I know, but often it's the ones with the loudest squeaks who have the least to offer - who are, ironically, the least deserving of the attention. The attention itself is a means to an end. 

I don't want this to be misconstrued as an attack on everyone who's streaming. I sort of love those people who seem to be doing it for the right reasons - because they enjoy it, and just want to entertain their mates. There's something incredibly endearing about that. Those who aren't trying to grab the spotlight, or build a 'brand'. I respect that over those who are churning out any old shit just to keep the attention focused on them.  

It's a feeling that has been building in me for a couple of years. Since doing Digitiser The Show - and especially Digitiser Live - it has become pretty apparent that there's a handful of people out there who are desperate to be famous to some degree. Those, for example, who would bombard me with messages and offers of 'help' when I was still doing the retro gaming stuff, and who I've not heard a peep out of since I've very much forged a different path. 

Or those who were blowing smoke up my arse, or retweeting me, just because they thought it might increase the chances that I'd remember them when the time came. And sometimes, yeah, it worked on me. And I still see it working now on (relatively) big name content creators.

Of course, when you asked them to do something for you it'd weirdly never materialise... 

Now though? Honestly, I'm wise to it. If you're doing it for those reasons, that's going to make me less likely to do something with you - not more. In fact, it's a major contributing factor in why I've moved away from retro gaming. I got sick of people seeing me as some sort of stepping stone, just because I'm the kind of person who gets stuff done. I want to work with people who are doing it for the right reasons. I don't want to feel like I'm being used. If you're just wanting to fill a hole, or because you think some degree of fame or attention will make the demons disappear... well, it ain't gonna.

But anyway. Sorry for the ramble. I've just always had this issue, this feeling about injustice - how the noisy kid at playgroup was the one who got the attention. Y'know... I was playing in the sandpit first - why should I now have to share it with him or her, just because he's thrown a tantrum, and I'm the quieter kid who doesn't make a fuss? Hmmph. Fine. I'll just go off and let him have it, and play with one of the other toys.

When I started writing that sentence, I didn't intend for it come across as quite as big a metaphor as it so obviously does...

Blimey. That's something to reflect upon.

Happy Easter Monday, everyone!

Paul