No, I'm Not OK - But You Probably Already Guessed That

I'm so sorry. I was a fool.
I really thought I would be all right after my mom's memorial because I felt so peaceful, but it was more like the deep breath you take before a scream.
I'm shattered, folks. And it's ugly.
The last 9 months have been a haze and even though everyone knows "grief isn't linear", there's not really a way to explain what that sentence actually FEELS like. Because it's always different for every person.
It's embarrassing to say I've shoved everyone I care about out of my life so they don't have to deal with this. It's embarrassing to say I don't leave my house at all except to get groceries. Some days I don't bother getting out of bed, let alone getting dressed. Having a shower is a milestone achievement. Most days I can't do anything but cry and stare into space.
I have to write this down because I can't even say this out loud and I'm pretty sure no one wants to listen to me bawling my eyes out trying to form a sentence.

I don't know how to lean on people. It's so much easier to drug myself to sleep than it is to let anyone in or deal with my feelings. I often don't reply because I just don't know what to say. Isolating myself is the only way I know how to cope and I'm ashamed of that. It's not that nobody reached out, I just tell them I'm fine when I'm not and then ghost, because I think that's somehow kinder than telling the truth. (It isn't.)

I'm in a lot of pain. The kind I can't actually speak about without losing it. At least writing this down means none of you can see or hear me crying. I spent a huge portion of my life angry at my mother for putting so much on my shoulders as I was growing up and that anger is all mixed up in grief and shame. I don't regret staying in the room with her when she was taken off life support but I also didn't really understand what it would be like to watch her pass in real time - that part especially fucked me up. I've said it before, and it's still true. I'm ashamed I haven't been present, and I'm so sorry.

I tell myself no one cares about the person behind the audios so it's easier to shut everyone out, ignore everything, and curl into a ball. I really don't let a whole lot of people get close to me - if they get too close I disappear. I'm afraid of losing people so I leave them first - I've always done this and didn't realize how much that hurts people because I assumed I didn't mean that much to them anyway. I was wrong and I'm sorry. In spite of our differences, my mom was extremely important to me. She was one of the few people I let in, and losing her fucked me up entirely. So no, I'm absolutely not ok. I've isolated myself from everybody and gave in to self-pity. If I'm not high, I'm crying. It's pretty pathetic. Sharing this is embarrassing. But at least you know where I've been.

I suppose the big question is where I'm going. Where WE'RE going.
I haven't finished editing the last thing I recorded, so I'll start there. I'm sure I can have it ready for Sunday. I'll take my August plans and do them now, one at a time. Rebuild like I did when I came back last March - we had a couple of really great months there before mom's memorial set off a chain reaction of "holy shit this is real, she's really gone" in my head.

If you decide to stay with me, I appreciate you.
I also have no hard feelings if you don't - I totally get it and am thankful to have had you here at all.

This year has sucked. I've sucked. I'm sorry.
I'll try again to do better. I owe you that much.