carol_fisher

cleaner version of the last pic

Added 2024-01-14 00:59:59 +0000 UTC

redraw the same thing 4546546 times until it looks decent.

tbh i believe social media is specially soulcrushing for artists, like

imagine spending hours and hours into polishing piece so you can produce something you feel proud of... just for it to be absolutely disposable in the end past the first week at best just because how the social media algortihm is wired, lmao, old works never get recommended and i hate that lol. no wonder why people often aim for quanityt over quality, sadly i can't work like that, i don't know how to explain it but

forcing myself to massproduce fast results drains me more emotionally than doing things in my usual slow methodical way. of course staying true to your emotional needs comes at the cost of your success externally, i however have never felt like
the success ive ever achieved with fanart or spam was
my own
Lol

feels fake. cheap, and tbh 90% of the people that was interested into that wasnt really interested on original works, which is all i personally care about. Its just painfully slow and difficult to grow a followerbase on original illustrations without an arealdy existing product like a manga or game or series being the backbone of that, its really cruel for independant creators, and the lack of success has also fucked up my drive to keep drawing and doing this, working onc reative projects is just an absolute dread now no matter how much i want to do them because whats the f poingt? why should i spend so much time and energy in something (virtually) nobody cares about? i have no guarantee im gonna succeed in any complex project i decide to make and lets be real
simple projects are forgettable

and on top of that yeah, i draw for myself first and foremost but, if no one sees it and LIKES IT whats the point?
i think deep down i draw as a tool for achieving some sort of connection with people, finding that guy that more less likes the same shit i do, to a similar extent. the whole buzztalk of finding your audience instead of you shaping yourself to what the general audiences want.

generally the more self indulgent my works are the worse they perform. the more i do what i want, the worse they do, the path of freedom is a lonely one, ngl. its a double binding situation in my case you know? you can do fanart, get a big relatively audience (If you can do it spammy constantly that is) and hate yourself for not staying true, or you can stay true and see how nobody gives a dime about your dream project or characters or illustrations because you still dont do trendy marketable shit and on top of that you post once on a blue moon becasue you have no energy to post as a result of getting shit results which in terms generates shittier results- its a negative effect loop. Something really fortunate has to happen to me for my cynicism regarding art to go away, it has been bad experience after bad experience. I've been called plenty of shit to, tracer, copycat... man i wish i didnt had such a drive to create my own crap over anything else, tbh i would be happier if i was less creative and more performative, if all i wanted to do was to draw fanart of an already existing somewhat popular franchise that would get half of the job done. Sadly im not that man, and now i have to bear that on my shoulders lol.

People be like "oh bro you just gotta enoy the proccess" and i be like maybe i would enjoy it if i was getting consistent results from the outside, like
as a human, i cant escape the need of external validation for my artwork
not to mention the money issues which make it
a necesity

and there is nothing worse that being in need and having no will to do fanart or comission work. because fuck that shit, i didnt signed up for that... i wanted to get paid for doing my own thing!, well that was such an innocent, kind of entitled view of how things work wasnt it?

then you hit the wall and you realize that if you dont wanna die from hunger this is like any other work, work for others, or fuck yourself. You might be lucky and be naturally inclined to receive satisfaction from drawing characters from already existing fanbases but sadly thats not my case and this is where i ended up lol.

why do you delete your old works?
well its because i hate all of the fanart i have ever done, i hate every single bit of it and i hate looking at it. its not me. Its like... ive realized ive been 4 years building something i dont fucking want, but then you do the thing you want and BAM! nobody cares. goddamit
i hate this stupid loop.

I don't know man, i don't even know why i keep drawing anymore, been telling myelf for ages that it gets better and it has never trully gotten better