there you have more snake az (skeeech)

yeah, i made her boobs bigger.

ah yes i guess that by this point i do artwork and rants but idc hereit goes

january 6th i had the argument of my life with my parents
particularly with my narc mother, it was absolutely awful, i dont like using the word narc lightly but my mother is, well clearly one. as she exchibits all of the sings of one. while in the other hand i be something sort of an authistic social regret lol.

so you can imagine our relationship is and has been absolutely bs unless i go out of my way to please her using masks, about for years ago when i decied to stop the masking shenanigans is the moment where articularly everything goes to hell, mother constantly claims that she jjust wants me to be happy when in reality what she wants me to do is to please her in every possible way. I was diagnosed with autism at like age 12ish 13ish, but my mother has been in denial ever since, 2 days ago she literally told to my face in front on everyone taht she didndt gave a fuck about my autism, which, i already know but hurts none the less, my uncles preffered to stay out of the autism stuff (smartly) and my grandmother which basically just circlejerks my mother said that autism is not an excuse to be unsuccessfulin life or some shit like that. your sterotypical self improvement discurse that utterly denies reality. mother also said that i use autism as an excuse to be an asshole to her which is absolute bollucs. what really happens is that i as aun autistic person value true more than anything, mother as a person exposing narcisistic traits does not want the truth, just wants orbiters not people, and i know i am not crazy nor an asshole because my relationship with my friends and uncles is perfectly healthy and and adult inspite of whatever traits i have because they are reasonable people and so am i, at least i try to be. My problems are usually with my mother and when she gets together with grandomter is where it gets absolutely hellish, living with my narc mother shattered my percepction of reality for a long time and during my teenge pubertuy and early adulthood years i subconciosuy copycated a lot of her narcisistic traits and i became genuinely a bad person. at least for some time, now however thanks to support from friends and research ive pretty much realized how insate a lot of the treatment my mother and grandmother gave me is. and i was suppossed to just suck it up and go along with it.

anyway this incident also made me come to my senses (again) and realize that a lot of the quirks and illnesses i have such as perfectionism are to a big extent their fault, here where i live i hhave to basically walk on eggshells to not anger my mother and in restrospective it has been like that my whole life. she is highly volatile and acts like a 4 year old in the costume of a grown up, which i consider unnaceptabe. what im trying to say uis that perfectionism at is core a desire to please people, to be un-criticable, as a defense mechanism to avoid conflict, so you can imagine how that reflects on my artwork and general career as an artist. the main thing that holds me back is stuff of that indole, i realized (again) that a lot of the stuff i despise on me is not really things that are natural for me but rather the demands of my parents internalized and calcified, (metaphorically speaking)


the worst part is that i cant even speak up about it because my mother is always the one labelling me as the egocentric psychopath with no emotions, which is an absolute bullshit lies.

its absolutely soulcrushing tbh, because i often find myself empatizing with her situation when we are arguing, after all a lot of her narcisisitic traits are nothing but a byproducit of a shitty nurture enviroment propiciated by my grandmother, another not particularly stable person.

but i dont like my emphathy to cloud my judgement so i often detach from that wheneve rim arguing, that combined with the fact that people with autism often appear as emotionless by default leads her to believe i am
a psycho who is only out there to hurt people.

the fight acutallly started when my (possibly but not diagnosed) neurodivergent cousin told her a fair criticism, and then she lashed at him calling him a shitty ass kid that doesnt know how to wipe is ass or some shit like that to invalidate his point
then i also lashed to defend him because i saw that as incredibly biased and shit went to hell in the middle of a family reunion

my mother pretty much also retired from work like a  month ago, but for some reason she is not gonna receive any money for like one year and she is gonna finacially rely on some guy (step father) which i told her wasnt a particularly good idea becuase you never know when they other guy is gonna decide enough is enough or if hes gonna lose his job and she absolutely exploded and she labelled that as me basically invalidating her success as a teacher or something like that.

my mother also constantly uses the fact that i finantially depend on her for home and services as an excuse to invalidate any criticism i try to give her. it sucks but i cant really leave since my only source of income comes from drawing. and a  lot of my psychological issues hold me back regarding that, and a lot of those issues are caused by her... and see where this is going and why is so frustrating for me to live in this situation?

on top of that im not particularly apt for a conventional job either, not any job i can get with my qualifications since basically i will be making more money drawing anyway
lol

and
this is mostly an emotional desire but
I wanna live off my artwork more than anything
even if often times ive said that i kind of despise some parts of it, a conventional job is completely unfit for me and its just gonna destroy my health further, i barely made it out of college to begin with, and i can hardly handle a what is often considered a cheat job (drawing porn), do you think realistically ill be able to survive in a traditional work enviroment on which you have to get early every day, you have a fixed schedule and you have to deal wtih all kinds of people irl?

that would be a nightmare for my autistic needs lol, is not about being lazy as my parents often think or say, is about being realistic about what i can do. not to mention that my family doesnt respect what i do for a living either. that doesnt help either, its basically "have a conventional job or you arent working" and thats absolute ass (and not precicesely jingxian's)

a lot of the issues here at home are propiciated because of the constant personality clashes,
autism doesnt fare well with narcisisim, on top of that i also have some adhd traits, that are rather strong. (there is a lot of overlap between autism and adhd and having both is common)

my forgetfullness and clumsiness are misinterpreted as genuine acts of evil against her

a couple of timves ive had the misfortune of accientally locking the door our of habit, which locked her outside the house and she absolutely lost it, weaponizing her as me trying to kick her out her own house, when in reality it wasn't malintented, it was just my general distraction playing me a bad one, but whenever i try to pull that out she goes like "bruh mental condition x is not an excuse" and ngl situations like that make me feel like absolute bs because they are beyond my control. i do not chose to forget to not lock the damn door, also mind you for a lot of time they were pissed absolutely off at me because i often forgot to lock the door,  now that ive put the mental effort to lock it out of habit this happens
is a lose lose scenario and i know

the act from the outside looks absolute horrible, but that is not really the intention. honestly i do not wish to kick my mother out of her own house. i just want to get out and have my own place but as you can imagine thats not financially possible. 

discussions with her often lead absolutely nowhere either, it just becomes a blame loop that doesnt fix absolutely anything so i decided to avoid her as much as possible which in term made her madder lol, but pleasing her wants and desires its a bottomless pit and a mental health drainage too. so this is pretty much a double binding. i seriously am at the point on which even laughing at random trivial shit like memes makes her pissed off at me.

im no fucking saint either tbh, ive done a shitload of questionable stuff too in my past, and shit ive regret to this day, so please abstain from seeing me as some sort of martyr. this is more about my frustration regarding my situation needing to be put on text than an "im wrong you right" brainwashing gizmo. tbh i wish i was wrong about my mother in a lot of stuff. but sadlty time often proves me right time and time again about her and some other members of the family and its very debilitating.  since she wont listen to reason unless it aligns with her preconceptions of the world, she keeps and will keep seeing me as the villain in her tale. Im just trying to survive man, im just trying to get out of here alive.  i really hate having her projecting her insecurities in me and using responsability as a blaming device to dunk on me further, i really hate this situation so much.  I wish i was making it up, because that would be so much easier to fix.


and tbh im more thankfull with random strangers on the internet for giving me space to listen than i am with her, i really hate when people's kindess and willing to listen is conditional in whetever you plase them or not.

my mother has given me plenty of stuff in the material realm but now with perspective and reasearch that comes out often as she trying to patch up her emotional lack, i dont think ive alwats had a positive female role model in my life and thats fun, because i dont have a dad, however positive male role models have often been present. My mother often calls them
a bunch of shitty styff by the way, calling my best friend stupid, putting words on the mouths of my uncles about me that they never said.... yeah this is the usual

this kind of skirmishes with my family deeply affect me and hurts me, which i hate because my mother often walks out of there like nothing happened while i have to spend weeks juggling with my emotions to not loss my shit and start to feel functional again. gets better with time but stills sucks.

this is also why i struggle with the feeling of gratitude, it has always been a highly conditional thing in my family life. I'm suppossed to be grateful because they "gave me so much" amd if dont show them gratitude in demand they get pissed off at me and call me everything.

this is why i struggle to trust people who genunely wants to help and im constantly expecting to be backstabbed, this is also another reason of why i have become deeply cinical over the years, i dont think ive ever had a  proper childhood from a neurodevelopment standpoint. now at my 20s i have to fix my shitty nurture and it absolute sucks, that be likely another reason of why i am behind plenty of people my age that started the same time doing the same thing i do.

should've picked better parents.  

anyway
this is a formality more than anything but
thank you for reading to the end lol
I shall
keep drawing, i dont have a lot else to do.