pit viper 1 sk

new year, same bs. ill keep drawing but
i guess i just have no busines sin social media, idfk what to do tbhm because drawing is my only source of income and food is a real issue for me. but well, im sick of trying to draw for social media instead of myself. its just not for me, while yeah its discouraging to see people who started at the same time arealdy making phat living... i cant make desicions base don jealousy lol, at least i should try not to. I am incredibly tired. and drained, and it doesnt get better.  social for artists too, doesnt seem very artist friendly, social media works better for already existing fanbases and fanart, that kind of stuff, but if you wish to make your own thing, good luck, even worse if you cant post constantly and you dont have talent to create something beastful something truly 10/10, i am kind of a mediocre creator in that sense so yeah. my failure is also a byproduct of pushing towards skill instead of productivity and it has been long 4 years of sacrifice, i guess you can say i gave up evertying just for the sake of getting good and guess what, imnot really that good anyway loll. I just dont realyl know what to do other than roaming in circles over the same thing over and ove ragain beacuse this has pretty much become my life, i wake up, i draw, i dont finish anything, i see how my artworks keeepsflopping unless i do fanart which in term maske withdraw froms ocial media and get demotivated and then i go to sleep lol. not to mention that i have an special talent to make enemies, a lot of people that used to support me doesnt want to do anything with me anymore.  being an artist online is a really demoralizing thing uless you are an specific kind of person im not. successful artists on this enviroment are all the same, but failed artists come in all kind of different flavors. Rn the only thing i am left to do is ranting an ranting to cope with this... and hope my rants are not a throwoff for people, which they usually are lol. I'm just kind of left with nothing else to do, ill be honest. i donte get a lot of new followers not attenton for my artwork because i cant shit masterpieces daily nor draw fanart without wanting to shot myself in the balls with a desert eagle.... im not realy a good comission based artist either, and i dont have prestige to sell my work at a price i deem fair... and im sick of the grind you ahve to do to get attention in social media, hoenstly things would've stayed better if i had just shutted up and kept doing hdn fanart from the start but idiot me decided i was too good for that and look where i ended up.. Im by definition, a loser. and that also makes me feels ome sort of repsonsability on the sense that, there are plenty of artists out there speaking about these epic tales of success and self iscipline and overcoming your bs... but there arent many people who speak about the misfortunes on a raw unfiltered way, and i believe thats information that has to be said regardless of how much it hurts or paints a grim picture of reality, i just cant handly having to put a happy go lucky mask in fear of offending somegbody and loosing their patronage, so i might as well start now to not give a fuck, about what other people is gonna think about my experience in a sense. thats a very selfish and self indulgent thing to do, but i rather filter out people who isnt gonna be willing to hear me out, after all
i kind of do this for the sake of connection and finding likemindeted people, i dont wanna sound like a cult leader but i will have to anyway, i do not wish to be arround people that i dont get along with even if that destroys me finnancially.  thats another reason of why im such a failed artist social media wise mind you, i just cant bring myself to like most artists, specially the ones that are teh antitesis of what i wish to be doing, take my words with a grain of salt tho, because out of neesity i might just drop my values and principles to the trash again and start massproducing fanart of what has worked in the past. which is hdn and sk fanart. but i woudn't be doing it for joy of art or any of that startdusty stuff, ill be doing it for money and as a hook to lead people to discover my own stuff. i really dont care about existing fandoms and i do not wish to be part of them. i create to serve myself and to eventually be able to spawn my own, is that ever gonna happen? at this rate with my habits, never, but is the only motivation i have to keep going.  doing art for a fandom is as soulcrushing as any other soulcrushing job for me, its like makig a glorified ad for others people's franchises and characters, and there isnt even a guarantee to get paid really, so if im not gonna get paid, i might as well do whatever the fuck i want regardless. until starvating gets shitty beyond belief. just pray i can stretch those 79 dollars for a month on cheap superfoods so i dont die. thats kind of my last hope, and thatsa assuming this post doesnt make people madder. altho i've flipflopped so much overthe years that i think only the most authenthic people remains, thats what i want to believe at least.