You Hide, They Seek

So there I was, walking out of my house into the embrace of local law enforcement, arms raised above my head. I had woken up that morning to perpetual phonecalls left by spoofed numbers owned by some discord anarcho-nazi. He (or she? or they? did not provide their pronouns) informed me that I was getting “smoked” today. They read off some old passwords I used for old accounts, & every address I’ve lived in. They called me a “Book N***er” & various other memes. They said something about a groupchat of theirs that had enmity with me. They said “This isn’t kiwifarms.” I said I had no idea what they were talking about. I spent the rest of the morning on the phone with the FBI, the State Police, & local law enforcement, seeking to pre-empt their threats of SWATting every address they’d been able to connect me with. I figured the discord anarcho-nazi wouldn’t heed my warning that their actions would only endanger innocent people.

This is what life is like for someone like me. In order to pre-empt the threat of law enforcement being used as a weapon against me, I had to call law enforcement on myself. They were pretty understanding of the situation. SWATting has been rife through New England lately. Nothing has come from it since— but the terms of my discord anarcho-nazi blackmail was to “cease posting on Twitter.” I told them they could just block me & not read my writing, but that wasn’t enough for them. Their goal was to silence me. I’d hate to give these psychos a win, but I’m more concerned with the safety of my family than with being one of the favorite targets of the “Internet Hate Machine” every day.

It’s been a difficult time for me. Just as my baby girl was born, I was being called up by reuters reporters to put out “fact checks” on the identity of the MSU shooter, who was reported to have my face in the early hours of the massacre. I don’t expect this sort of harassment to stop, & I don’t expect there to be any justice for me. People tell me to sue for defamation, but that’s not going to happen, & there’d be no point in doing it. Journalists want me to do video interviews— but all that would accomplish is making sure that this happens to me again. Grifters like Andy Ngo wrote articles about it. They, unknowingly I suspect, contribute to the continuation of these attacks by amplifyng their rhetorical point. “When it’s a white shooter, anything goes.” To the delight of internet psychos, thousands of people came out to state that “I have the face of an incel neonazi shooter” etc. My face, deterritorialized from any of my work, becomes a meme for the proliferation of neo-nazi propaganda. They post racist messages & threats to politicans with my face attached. It’s an efficient form of harassment for them, two birds with one stone. My face aborbs the blowback from their psychopathy. It’s fun for them. They get off on it.

It’s a complicated “post-modern” form of rhetorical terrorism that we’re dealing with, & as I’ve found, it’s very difficult to describe to normal people. The police, my extended family members, anyone who finds out about the sort of attacks I deal with on a near-daily basis— they ask “Why are they doing this to you?” & the simplest answer, that these are “literally pedophile anarchist neo-nazis” doesn’t make any sense to them. Even if so, they ask, why are they attacking you in particular?

The answer is ultimately “Ideology.” I’m not a particularly powerful person in any sense. I am an F-list e-celeb writer who champions Christianity & Communism. My greatest influence on “the discourse” has been repopularizing the works of William Blake & Alexander Kojeve. I wrote a novel that is more infamous than appreciated. I wrote a poetry collection that some people enjoy. I have a podcast in which I discuss Edmund Spencer’s Faerie Queene, Folk Americana, & Political Economy. For this, I have cultivated a medium sized internet following, & a much larger set of enemies, who surveil & harass me, for myriad “ideological” reasons.

Explaining this to anyone who isn’t familiar with this corner of internet culture is impossible. I’ve tried. The only thing that is really understood is that I studied Russian & oppose the American Empire’s support of the Ukrainian Nazi State. There’s Ukraine flags flying all over the place, & anti-russian racism is the most widely acceptable form of racism, with anti-chinese racism coming in second. I see Ukraine flags every day. I’ve been told that my defense of the Chinese Communist Party & the Russian Federation’s geopolitical interests makes me an enemy of “Global” American Patriotism. The Free World of rapacious financial extraction is presented to us as inexorably “the lesser of evils” in any circumstaance. From law enforcement to extended family, it’s been insinuated to me that “it’s understandable why people hate me so much.” Ultimately, my perspective is unwanted, & it “makes people upset.” It raises their heart rates. My words are like a dangerous pathogen that inflame people with thoughts of vengeance against my person. I’m not surprised that this is the case. It’s always dangerous to tell the Truth.

It is understandable. I have a controversial perspective on things that is taken to be antagonistic by people who support things I consider evil & oppose things I consider good. It’s one thing to have a “dissenting opinion” so long as it fits into some pre-fabricated format of dissidence. If I was simply a “contrarian”— simply a bad-faith troll taking “edgy” positions for no constructive reason, this would be the natural conclusion. I’m getting what I deserve. People assume I’m operating as some “enemy propaganda unit” for their hallucinated civilizational foes. If that was the case, it would only be the patriotic defense of the free world to silence me through threats & intimidation. The discord anarcho-nazi informed me “I’m not doing anything illegal”— at least, collating my information & posting it on darkweb forums, hiring people to harass me with untraceable bitocin transactions, &c— these things are only illegal if you get caught, & these people don’t get caught. A lot of them work in Cybersecurity & Tech, I’ve come to understand. These are people with more power than me, more organizational capacity, & in their view “Might Makes Right”— so using threats of force to silence me is the triumph of their worldview over mine. This is how they win.

A Communist, after all, is the worst thing one could be to any American. Especially a Real Communist— it would be more forgivable to be a Fascist, a “Third Positionist,” an Anarchist, a Social Democrat, a Possadist, a Trotskyist, a Libertarian, anything but an actual communist. The so-called Communists long ago pushed me out of “Leftist” spaces for being a “Red Fascist” (which is simply what they call every extant Communist in a Real sense, every Russian or Chinese Communist is a “Red Fascist” to the Western “Communist”). The so-called Right Wing long ago pushed me out of “Rightist” or “Based” spaces for not being a Fascist, not being Bigoted enough, not “saying the N Word.” I don’t see any distincitons between these crowds. I don’t discern a meaningful distinction between a group of internet Neo-Nazi harassing me, and a group of TransAnarchists harassing me. To the disbelief of many, there’s a flourishing scene of Transgender Anarcho-Nazis who are bigoted against other races because other races are “too low IQ” to not be homophobic etc. In the age of NATO flying Rainbow & Transgender Flags next to Esoteric Hitlerist Azov Batallion symbols, a description of reality becomes unbelievable. To me, these are the same thing & fundamentally the same phenomenon & their combination & collaboration is perfectly rational. Both are libidinally instrumentalized swarms of stochastic terrorists targeting me as an enemy of “Western Freedom.” They get off on it. It’s pornographic, fetishistic, automated exploitation produced by pornographic fetisihistic automated consciousnesses. From an outsider perspective, it might not make any sense, but I, personally, can evidence their fundamental similtude. I take solace in knowing that hell is real.

A Christian, after all, is the worst thing one could be to any CyberCosmopolitan “Dissident” on the Internet. Especially a Real Christian— it would be more forgivable to be a Satanist, a Pagan, a Luciferian Gnostic, a Catholic, a Fundamentalist, an Atheist, an Agnostic, a Transhumanist, anything but a “nondenominational christian.” The “Internet Christians” treat me analogously. Based Traditional Cathalo-Orthodox Debate Lords call me a heretic for rejecting any ecclesiastical council or dogma of their Church. I don’t belong to a Church. I don’t belong to a Church on principle. I believe that the Visible Churches are the Antichrist. I believe that many of these “Christians” would be shocked to discover how little they understand their savior. I see all of these formalized network attacks upon myself as originating form the same fundamental sin— Idolatry. I don’t see a difference between Freemasonic lodges & discord servers. I don’t see a difference between “Internet Hate Brigades” imposing stochastic rhetorical terrorism in “Culture War.” I want nothing to do with any of that. I take solace, again, in knowing that hell is real.

Obviously, there must be some set of people who don’t hate me. It would be impossible to have so many haters if I didn’t have any fans, but I don’t really know what holds this group together. I could only posit that “they see what I see”— there must be people who see what I see, for whom me writing this entire diatribe is ultimately pointless, because “they already see what I see,” but it’s for these people that I write, because these people are just people like myself. It’s very lonesome to “not belong to a church”— it’s lonesome to not be a partisan member of some “internet society” which revolves around the reification of its tribal idols. I don’t vote in elections. I don’t belong to any groupchats or forums. I’m just myself, unapologeticallly. I seek to explain how I understand the world to people who are interested in understanding it the way that I do. This is naturally “antagonistic”— because to have any claim of understanding is to simultaneously claim that this understanding is not universal. Obviously, “not everybody sees things the way I see them,” but I do believe that the world would be a better place if people could at least “see things a little bit more like the way I see them.” If I didn’t believe that, then my work would be nothing but narcissism.

I haven’t ever sought out personal fame or notoriety. All I’ve sought to do is work toward proliferating an understanding of the world that I’ve come to after decades of diligent research & discussion with people all over the world from all sorts of backgrounds. I never asked for this— I actively tried to avoid becoming a target of this sort of harassment— but there’s no escape once you’re online. The entire internet archiecture is designed to produce this end. People talk about “Cancel Culture” — which describes this sort of mimetic violence & scapegoating in terms of the “cancellation” of someone’s humanity— but this is not a new phenomenon. It’s so easy to ironize & make fun of the seriousness with which I mean to present this point, but Jesus Christ testifies to this Truth of human relations under the domination of the Idol of Capital. As a Christian, I am supposed to glory in my own persecution.

John 15:20

Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you.

It’s difficult. Jesus didn’t have a baby girl, perhaps because familial attachments make us compromise ourselves in order to attain security. Nobody with a family & kids wants to invite this sort of persecution upon themselves & their loved ones. I certainly do not. It was easier for me to bear in my late adolescence, when I did not have the responsibilities of a father who is entering his 30s. The sickness of this society is that it uses your good will against you. A father is less likely to advocate for better working conditions if his house, healthcare, & societal standing are on the line if he loses his job. We are paranoid for good reasons today. Everyone is afraid & paranoid because they have good reasons to be.

I constantly refer to Thomas Pynchon’s “Proverbs for Paranoids” found in Gravity’s Rainbow. This is Proverb Number 5.

“Paranoids are not paranoids because they're paranoid, but because they keep putting themselves, fucking idiots, deliberately into paranoid situations.”

I will be taking some time out of the deliberately paranoid situation of telling the truth for a public audience in the year 2023.

Goodbye, I'll be leavin'

I see no sense in this cryin' and grievin'

We'll both live a lot longer if you live without me

https://youtu.be/1eHq7ZUkO1k