Reviewing lines from the scene I'm currently working on.
Added 2024-08-07 09:39:56 +0000 UTCPart 15 is going to be mostly conversational.
But I'm working on the original text and then reworking it with the DeepL translator, so these long conversations really need to be proofread, and I need your help because even though I've been in the military, I don't know a lot of military expressions in English.
I would be grateful if you could look at the dialogs worked with this translator and tell me if you find anything awkward.
15 Part
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Cassandra : What?!
Radio Soldier : The enemy's war machines are breaking through the lines.
Cassandra : What war machines?!
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Cassandra : Major, you didn't say anything about the enemy having war machines.
Major : Our scouts didn't report anything like that. They were probably inside Helios One.
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Cassandra : Damn it. Stupid bastards, retreating when there's still an AT team left...
Even if the AT team is wiped out, those weapons must be recovered.
Major, as of this moment, I'm taking direct command of this operation.
Major : Yes, sir.
Cassandra: Tell the remaining rear line troops to stay where they are and cover the AT team to the end, and that anyone who retreats will be shot.
(She looks down at the map and slaps it down.)
(There is silence for a few seconds as Cassandra looks at the map).
........
Cassandra: Rangers!
(The Rangers enter.)
Cassandra: Our front line has been overrun by the enemy's war machines. Both flanks have fallen back, and even the 1st Recons are retreating. (Moves the red stone on the map.) In the process, our ATs have been surrounded. We need to save them. At the very least, we need to retrieve those weapons. Do you think you can annihilate the enemy and save them?
(looks at the map for a few seconds, looks back at her, then turns and walks away)
Ranger Leader: Rangers, prepare your weapons!
A few scenes later.
Ranger 1: What's the plan?
Ranger Leader: The tactics we used in Nevada.
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If the military terminology is awkward in the dialog here, I'll fix it.
Also, I wanted to emphasize in the scene that Cassandra and the veteran Rangers aren't that close, so she wanted to win the battle without bringing them into it, but when things went south, she had no choice but to bring them into the battle. The Rangers don't respect her either, so they just turn around and join the operation, which shows that they don't respect her. I'd appreciate any feedback on this, as I'll fix it if it goes against lore.
And I'm planning to have the NCR Super Mutants make a brief appearance in the scene where the veteran Rangers are arming their weapons.
I haven't worked on it yet, but I'll post a status update when I do.
Comments
'Cassandra: Our front line has been overrun by the enemy's war machines. Both flanks have fallen back, and even the 1st Recons are retreating.' I'd change the line 'Both flanks have fallen back, even the 1st Recons are retreating,' to 'Both flanks have fallen back. Even 1st Recon's retreating.' 1st Recon is the name of the battalion, but the soldiers within it are not called 'recons.' Which the original phrasing implies. Removing 'the' sounds more natural.
TheeBaconman
2024-08-20 01:04:26 +0000 UTC"Rangers! We got work to do!"
Archeota
2024-08-18 05:56:46 +0000 UTCSmall change. "Yes sir" to "yes ma'am"
Archeota
2024-08-18 05:51:10 +0000 UTCThe rangers are based off the desert rangers from the wasteland series which is made by interplay / original fallout creators, itโs nothing to do with Texas rangers or anything
Piper
2024-08-17 03:33:07 +0000 UTCIk my stuff ๐ซถ
Oscar
2024-08-09 14:47:42 +0000 UTCYeah, I think using war machines as an expression to show that the NCR isnโt all itโs shown as a โprofessional militaryโ as they draft more and more wasters and regular ncr citizens into the NCR army.
Oscar
2024-08-09 14:45:47 +0000 UTCAll great suggestions so far which cover most of what I would say. If I'd make a suggestion then, while I know the rangers in Fallout were based on the Texas Rangers they are more military in nature. If you want, you could have them make reference to the US Military ranger's history, there is a common motto they use which is "Rangers lead the way" referring to events in WWII during D-day. [You could alter this in this scene from:] (looks at the map for a few seconds, looks back at her, then turns and walks away) Ranger Leader: Rangers, prepare your weapons! [Changed to:] (looks at the map for a few seconds, looks back at her, then turns and walks away) Ranger Leader: Rangers, lead the way! Weapons ready! ---- I am not sure how prevalent this is actually in real military culture, though it is often depicted in media and could be a fun reference. This is just a suggestion of course, keep up the great work!
Stario
2024-08-09 09:44:15 +0000 UTCAgreed with this, I might even use "Armor" or "Heavy Armor" more often instead of "War Machines". "War Machines" definitely strikes me as a sci-fi term and not something an actual military would use for easy recognition in the field.
Bartender
2024-08-09 03:54:11 +0000 UTCThis is an outstanding edit. Keeping things short and to the point especially during crisis, especially over comms, makes things urgent and feel real. The added bits about Baja and overall Nevada Campaign are chefs kiss.
Lord Bacon Fat the Third
2024-08-09 03:48:34 +0000 UTCHereโs a little rewrite. It now sounds more native and military than long drawn out sentences. Furthermore, it gives Col. Cassandra a more accurate depiction as she takes command over the battle and forces the troops to stay on the line. It also cleans up the English so it doesnโt sound too awkward especially in a military setting. It also changes how the rangers dialog as Helios one is technically the Nevada campaign, so it refers to the Baja Ranger Campaign and that they may have fought sentry bots in Baja (a region in California). โโโโโโโโโโโโ Cassandra: (Shocked) โHuh?โ Radio Soldier: (troubled) โHQ! We are being over run! Enemy has Heavy Armor, I say again! They have fucking war machines!โ Cassandra: (Demanding tone) โInterrogative, What War Machines?โ Cassandra: (Snobby, angry tone) โMajor, what fucking war machines do these pricks have?โ Major: โIโve got no intel on this, must be what ever the Brotherhood was looking for at Helios One.โ Cassandra: โI want that Lieutenant in the field shot, retreating with AT teams still on the front, we need those weapons recovered!โ (She stares at the map) โMajor, Iโm taking command of this operationโ Major: โYes Maโamโ Cassandra: (to the radio operator in HQ) โTell them to hold the rear line, not one trooper steps back. Have them shot if they do. (She slaps the map at the climax of this line). โโโโโโโโโโโโ Cassandra: (To rangers): โRangersโ Ranger Lead: โColonel.โ Cassandra: โWe need this battle won, both our flanks are gone and the enemy is pushing us back. We need these machines out of the picture. Can you do it?โ (She puts the Ranger token on the map) Ranger lead: โWeโll get it done.โ (He turns to his rangers) โRanger Company, Make ready.โ โโโโโโโโโโโโ Ranger 1: โwhatโs the plan boss?โ Ranger Lead: โLike in Baja, these are sentry bots, we can take them, use the Anti Mat.โ
Oscar
2024-08-07 21:05:09 +0000 UTCMy suggestions, commentary on my changes are in brackets: Cassandra: Major, you didn't say anything about the enemy having war machines. (It's a conversation so drop the major part and have her look at him.) You didn't say anything about there being war machines Cassandra: They're retreating when there's still AT on the field, those weapons must be recovered. Major, as of this moment I am taking direct command." Cassandra: Tell the remaining rear line troops to hold their ground and cover the AT team. Tell them the rangers are here. (I think Cassandra wouldn't use being shot as a threat to keep order, but instead would use the existence of the rangers to reestablish morale) --------------- Rangers enter Cassandra: Our front line has been overrun by enemy war machines. Both flanks have fallen back and even first recon is retreating. (Moves the red stone on the map). Our AT have been surrounded and we are going to save them, or failing that, take back those weapons. (She wouldn't ask if they could do this, she knows they can so she would lay out the plan)
TrueBlob
2024-08-07 20:00:22 +0000 UTCA lot of good suggestion regarding shortening the conversation. If you want to emphasize the poor relationship you might want to consider adding some voice lines for the rangers, maybe an amused "Colonel" acknowledging her when they enter followed by an "Of course, 'Colonel' " when they leave, empathizing that they acknowledge her rank but not the person. I wouldn't worry too much about "proper" military jargon since this is a post apocalyptic setting.
JIngle
2024-08-07 15:55:40 +0000 UTCHell yeah NCR Super Mutants Rangers. I can't wait to see that.
CensoredGrunt
2024-08-07 15:33:57 +0000 UTC๋ฌด์ด ๋๋ น์ ๋์ฒด๋ก ๋งค์ฐ ๊ฐ์ ์ ์ด๊ณ ๊ณผ๊ฒฉํ ์ธ๋ฌผ๋ก ๋ฌ์ฌ๋๋ ์ , ๋๊ตฌ์๋ ์นํ๊ฒ ์ง๋ด์ง ๋ชปํ๋ฉฐ NCR์ ์ํ์ง ์์ ์ธ๋ถ์ธ์๊ฒ ํนํ ๋ฌด๋กํ๋ ์ ์ ๊ฐ์ํ๋ฉด NCR์ ์์ ํ ๋ํ๋์ง ์์ ๋ ์ธ์ ๋ค์ ๋ฐฐ์ฒํ๋ ๊ฒ๋ ๋น์ฐํ ์ง ๋ชจ๋ฅด๊ฒ ๋ค์. ๊ทธ๋ ๋ค๋ฉด ์๋๋ ๋ฌด์ด ๋๋ น์ด ๋ฒ ํ ๋ ๋ ์ธ์ ๋ฅผ ์ ํฌ์ ํ์ฉํ ๋ง์์ด ์์๋ค๋ ์ ์ ๊ฐ์กฐํ๊ธฐ ์ํด ๋ ์ธ์ ๋ค์๊ฒ ์ถ๋๋ช ๋ น์ ๋ด๋ฆฌ๋ฉด์ ์ฃผ๋จธ๋์์ ๊ฒ์์ ๋์ ๊บผ๋ด ์ง๋์ ์ฌ๋ฆฌ๋๋ก ์ฐ์ถํ๋ ๊ฒ์ ์ด๋ค๊ฐ์? ๋ฌผ๋ก ๋จ์ํ ๊ฑด์์ผ ๋ฟ์ ๋๋ค๋ง
๋ณธ์ ๊ตฌ
2024-08-07 13:45:53 +0000 UTCIn an active combat situation the call outs should seem a bit shortened and sound urgent. Radio Soldier : โThe enemy's war machines are breaking through the lines.โ Change it to- Radio Soldier- โEnemy war machinesโ breaking through the lines!โ Cassandra : Major, you didn't say anything about the enemy having war machines. Change to- Cassandra : Major, you didn't say anything about enemy war machines. When the Major is speaking to Cassandra he should say โYes maโam.โ Female officers are referred to as โmaโam.โ Cassandra: Our front line has been overrun by the enemy's war machines. Both flanks have fallen back, and even the 1st Recons are retreating. (Moves the red stone on the map.) In the process, our ATs have been surrounded. We need to save them. At the very least, we need to retrieve those weapons. Do you think you can annihilate the enemy and save them? Change to- Cassandra: The front lineโs been overrun by enemy war machines. Both flanks have fallen back, and the 1st Recons are retreating. (Moves the red stone on the map.) In the process, our ATs have been surrounded. We need to save them. At the very least, we need those weapons. Think you can do it? Hope this helps
Edward Buck
2024-08-07 12:04:45 +0000 UTC๋ค๋ฐ๋ค๋ ์ผ๋จ ์์๋ก ๋ฃ์ด๋ ๊ฒ์ธ๋ฐ ๋ฒ ํ ๋ ๋ ์ธ์ ๊ฐ ํ๋ํ ์ง์ญ๋ค์ ๋ฃ๊ณ ์ถ์์ต๋๋ค. ๋ค๋ง ์ ์์ง ๋ชปํด์ ์ฌ๋ฌ๋ถ์ ์๊ฒฌ์ ๋ฃ๊ณ ๋ฐ์ํ ์๊ฐ์ ๋๋ค. ๊ทธ๋ฆฌ๊ณ ๋ฒ ํ ๋ ๋ ์ธ์ ธ์ ์นด์ฐ๋๋ผ๋ฅผ ๊ฑฐ๋ฆฌ๋ฅผ ๋๊ฒ ๋ง๋ ๊ฑด ๋ฒ ํ ๋ ๋ ์ธ์ ๊ฐ ๋ฑ์ฅํ๋ฉด์ ์ ์ธ๊ฐ ๋ฐ๋๋๋ฐ ์ ๋ ๊ทธ๋ ๊ฒ ์ฝ๊ฒ ๋ฐ๋๋ ์ ์ธ์์ผ๋ฉด ๋ฏธ๋ฆฌ ๋ฒ ํ ๋ ๋ ์ธ์ ๋ฅผ ํ์ฉํ๋ฉด ๋์ง ์์์๊น ๋ผ๋ ์๋ฌธ์ด ๋ค๊ฒ ๋์๊ณ ๊ทธ๋ ๊ฐ ์๋์ ์ผ๋ก ๋ฒ ํ ๋ ๋ ์ธ์ ๋ฅผ ํ์ฉํ์ง ์๊ณ ์ ํฌ์์ ๋ช ์๋ฅผ ์์ผ๋ ค ํ๋ค๋ ์ ์น์ ์ธ ์ค์ ์ ๋ฃ์ด์ NCR์ด ์ฌ์ฉํ ์ ์ ์ด ๋๋ฆ์ ์ด์ ๊ฐ ์์๋ค๋ ์ ์ ๊ฐ์กฐํ๊ณ ์ถ์์ต๋๋ค. ๊ทธ๋ฆฌ๊ณ ๋ง์ํ์ ๋๋ก ํฉ๋ฅํ์ง 5๋ ๋ฐ์ ๋์ง ์์๊ณ ๊ทธ๋ ๋ผ๋ฉด ๋ญ๊ฐ ๊ทธ๋ค์ ์๋์ ์ธ ์ ํฌ๋ ฅ์ ์กด๊ฒฝํ๊ธฐ ๋ณด๋จ ์์ฌ๊ณผ ์งํฌ๊ฐ ์ข ๋ ๋ฐ์๋๋ฉด ์ด์ธ๋ฆด ๊ฒ ๊ฐ์์ ์ผ๋จ ์บ๋ฆญํฐ๋ฅผ ์ด๋ ๊ฒ ์ก์์ต๋๋ค. ๊ทธ ๋๋ฌธ์ ๊ธฐ๋ก์์๋ ๋ฒ ํ ๋ ๋ ์ธ์ ์ ํ์ฝ์ด ๊ธฐ๋ก๋์ง ์์๋ค๊ณ ๊ฐ์ ํ๋ค๋ฉด ์ ํ ์ฌ์ ์ ์กฐ๊ธ ๋ ๋ง์ ๋จ์ด์ง ๊ฒ ๊ฐ์ต๋๋ค. ๋ค๋ง ์ด๋ฐ ์ค์ ์ด ๊ธฐ์กด์ ์ค๋ฆฌ์ง๋ ์ค์ ์ ๋๋ฌด ๋ฒ์ด๋๋ค๋ฉด ์ญ์ ์ข๋ ๋ค๋ฌ์ ์๊ฐ์ ๋๋ค.
SODAZ
2024-08-07 11:31:19 +0000 UTCIn fact, the song used when the Sentrybot appears is called War Machine, so it was intentional. However, if it's a little awkward, I'm willing to use War Machine for the lines in the previous scene but change the sentence to Heavy Armor in the future. However, if it's not too awkward, I'd like to use it as it is.
SODAZ
2024-08-07 11:12:24 +0000 UTCI also wanted to shorten the length of the dialogues. These sentences will be delivered to the voice actors and the scenes I worked on are short, which makes their recording more difficult. So shorter is better, but the translator translates them too long. Simplification of the sentences is also welcomed by me.
SODAZ
2024-08-07 11:09:24 +0000 UTCYes, in Korean, it's semi-speechy and commanding, but when translated into English, it comes across as too friendly. I wanted to turn those sentences into narratives, but the translator had clear limitations. Nevada is a temporary inclusion for now, but if veteran Rangers tell me where they were active before Operation Sunburst, I'll change it to that region.
SODAZ
2024-08-07 11:04:11 +0000 UTCMaybe it's just me, but war machines feels like one of those phrases. That's a bit clunky in this context that makes it sound like it was machine translated. Maybe "heavy armor".
Collin King
2024-08-07 11:00:01 +0000 UTCT-45d ํ์์๋จธ์ ๋ฑ์ฅ์ ๊ธฐ๋ํ๋ ์ฌ๋์ ๋ง์๋ NCRํธ์ ์ ์ํผ๋ฎคํดํธ๊ฐ ๋ฑ์ฅํ ๊ฑฐ๋ผ๊ณ ์์ํ ์ฌ๋์ ์ ๋ง ๋๋ฌผ ํ ๋ฐ ํฌ๋ค์ด ์ข์ ์ฃฝ๊ฒ ๊ตฐ์. ๊ทธ๊ฑด NCR ๊ธฐ๋ง๋๋ ์ฐจ๋ํ ๋ถ๋๋งํผ์ด๋ ๋ณด๊ธฐ ํ๋ค ์ค ์์๋๋ฐ. ์ฑ์ฐ๋ค์ด ๋ชจ๋ ์์ด๋ฏผ์ผ ํ ๋ ๋์ฌ์ ์๋๋ง ์ ์ ๋ฌ๋๋ค๋ฉด ๋ฌธ๋งฅ์ ๋ถ์์ฐ์ค๋ฌ์ด ๋ถ๋ถ์ ๋ฐ๋ก ๊ณ ์น ์ ์์ ๊ฑฐ๋ผ๊ณ ์๊ฐํฉ๋๋ค๋ง... ๋ ์ธ์ ๋ฆฌ๋๊ฐ "์ฐ๋ฆฌ๊ฐ ๋ค๋ฐ๋ค์์ ์ฌ์ฉํ ์ ์ (The tactics we used in Nevada.)."๋ผ๊ณ ๋งํ๋๋ฐ ํฌ๋ฆฌ์ค์ค์์ ํฌํจํด์ ๊ฒ์์ ๋ฑ์ฅํ๋ ๋ชจํ๋น ํฉ๋ฌด์ง ๋๋ถ๋ถ์ด ๋ค๋ฐ๋ค ์ฃผ์ ์ํ๊ธฐ ๋๋ฌธ์ ์ข ์ด์ํ๋ค๋ ์๊ฐ์ด ๋๋ค์. ์ ๋นํ ์ง๋ช ์ด ์๋ค๋ฉด ๋์ชฝ, ๋ถ์ชฝ, ๋จ์ชฝ๊ณผ ๊ฐ์ ๋ฐฉ์๋ก ๋์ ํ๋ ๊ฒ์ด ์ด๋จ๊น์? ๊ทธ๋ฆฌ๊ณ ์นด์ฐ๋๋ผ ๋ฌด์ด๋ ์ ์ ์์ NCR ๋ ์ธ์ ๋ก ๋ณต๋ฌดํ ๊ฒฝ๋ ฅ์ด ์๊ณ ๊ทธ ์์ ์ ๊ทธ๋ฆฌ์ํ๋ค๋ ๋ฌ์ฌ๊ฐ ์์ด์ ํ์ํ๋ค๋ฉด ์ธ์ ๋ ๋ฒ ํ ๋ ๋ ์ธ์ ๋ค์ ํ๋ ์นด๋๋ก ์ธ ์ค๋น๊ฐ ๋์ด ์์ ์ค ์์๋๋ฐ ๋ง์ง๋ชปํด ๊ทธ๋ค์ ํฌ์ ํ๋ค๋ ์์ธ๋ค์. NCR ๋ ์ธ์ ์ ๋ฐ์ ํธ ๋ ์ธ์ ๊ฐ ํฉ์ณ์ง ์ง 5๋ ๋ฐ์ ์ ๋์ด์ ๊ทธ๋ฐ ๊ฑธ๊น์?
๋ณธ์ ๊ตฌ
2024-08-07 10:47:39 +0000 UTCA few criticisms I have is the entire conversation being very formal and punctual. Thereโs a lack of simplification in Cassandraโs briefing. For instance, when she says โOur ATs have been surroundedโ it would probably flow more realistically for her to say โOur ATโs been surrounded.โ It would also apply to โ We need to save them. At the very least, we need to retrieve those weapons. Do you think you can annihilate the enemy and save them?โ This whole line could be simplified to something like โWe need to save them, or at least retrieve those weapons. Do you think you can do it?โ
Ryan Little
2024-08-07 10:40:46 +0000 UTCโDo you think you can annihilate the enemy and save them?โ (This line sounds a little off to me, I think it might flow better if itโs worded more as a demand rather than an ask, from someone in her position/rank) I.E. โyou will annihilate/youโre going to annihilate the enemy and save them.โ โRanger Leader: The tactics we used in Nevada.โ (This line while not an actual problem, sounds a little odd since Helios is in Nevada, and heโs speaking as if they currently arenโt in it) Those are my only current nitpicks that came off as off to me, but that is just my opinion.
GiantBurger
2024-08-07 10:05:14 +0000 UTC
