Set by Langston Bowen

I've been back in Georgia a few weeks and I'm in disbelief of the fall colors. Obviously these were taken in summer time, in Tennessee. I really love the nature around here. I fell in love with California, but the trek to get there next year seems a bit overwhelming. I wish it were easy enough to fly and rent a car, and may be it will be in a few months. There is a lot I want to do and see. I'm having to negotiate the time. This last year was so hectic, but I got to really have many great adventures. Next year I would like to be less hectic, but it would also mean sacrificing seeing parts of the country. It may also mean growing a deeper appreciation of the places I will see. I wish I could just be with the water all the time. I really find it a wonderful element to art. It has a nature glitter and fabric to it. Although I love the moss, the mountains, and long skylines. It is the rich and dark greens and blues, pinks and purples. I have a lot to think about this month which is why I've not tried to press myself to tour. I have a lot to reflect on. It feels like I spend a lot of time trying to fight being put in a box, but I think that I may have to accept some form of a box to make my job a little easier. As I've gotten older I've become more certain of myself, but that certainty is that I am so much more complex and waivering than any particular niche. I tell myself that as I continue that brand or my box will reveal itself. My boundaries will become more formed as I listen to myself, and soon other people will see them. It doesn't have to be a defined or easily defined box. It can be a non-rectangular box to fit me. What frustrates me is that every time I think I understand myself, I wake up discovering another desire to be more. It has been strange that in art, it is suppose to be a reflection of myself, or it is assumed to be. Really I've used modeling and started off modeling as a way to not be myself. I needed a space to not be the person I felt stuck as. I think I've been feeling a little trapped in the modeling, and needing a new space to not be someone I feel stuck being. Modeling is not something I want to give up, but something I want to return to with a better version of myself. Modeling helped me find myself, ironically, by giving me a space not to be where I was suppose to be someone in particular. While I used it to be someone different, it gave me the confidence to break out of that routine person and assert a different character. I think I can do that again.  

On another note, I continue to try to understand when art, especially nude art, is empowering for me and when it isn't.  I think empowering gets complicated because it ends up feeling so subjective. I like these photos of myself so I feel like they're empowering vs, maybe another set of images or even some of the other images I haven't posted from this set. Often time in modeling there is a selling of one's dignity for another artist to use and humiliate or empower. In modeling, there are photos I need to be ugly or embarassing in to capture something specific. There are also photos that were not meant to be unflattering, but are to me. These are the photos that are the hardest for me to appreciate, although I try to and see that from someone else's point of view it is flattering and meant to be empowering. In modeling, there is a false perception of getting to control my image. I started shooting self portraits because I was insistent on keeping this control. I didn't want anyone to have a photo or painting or anything of me that I didn't intentionally pose to look like. I've found that no matter how I practice in the camera or mirror, it is impossible to control or have a constant idea of how I look like. Even if I could, I've learned that I can't control how the settings of the camera or editing will change that. For example, while my hair does fade and I re-dye it with slight variations on the tone, for the most part my hair has been roughly the same color and shade for years, but I still get asked often by photographers that haven't met me what shade or color is my hair. This is because with lighting and editing my hair can look pink, brown, bright orange, blonde, or any variation of red. People have choosen my skin tone or body shape or weight all based on the angles, lighting and editing choosen. I've found that even wearing the same make up through out the day, my make up can look completely different from shoot to shoot because of the lighting. The end result in photography or other arts can all tell such a different story about me. In the end, every project is some team work. There is only so much any of us can control. As a model I still have a huge say in what poses I am willing to do, and I have ideas of how I will pose in a given moment with tiny variations in stretches and expressions that can change the dynamic or feeling in an image. We're also limited to what my body can look like.  My legs and arms and such can form many different looks, but I cannot make them grow longer or shorter, only may be appear so through some poses.