A Day to Remember

Self portraits taken in Tahiti. I always wanted to make sure I focus on the art and making art. Modeling has never been about the money, until I decided I'd try and have a career in this.  Unfortunately that coincided with COVID 19. I'm trying to remind myself it's a freak accident, not the fates telling me to think again. I can't think of what I'd do if I didn't do this.  

Even now it's about the art and creating. I'd rather it always be this way, and if that ever changed I wouldn't do this any more. I like the self portraits because I feel like I have some control of the content. I like freelance because I can determine who I work with and draw a line at certain people. 

Modeling has long been a cover for sex work. It's one of those things people don't know or at least not when they first start. Some sex workers also model and some models also do sex work. The industry often keeps a large grey area. Sometimes it's to protect sex workers. It makes sense. While it isn't legal in the USA or many other places, this creates an environment for them to advertise and conduct business almost covertly. Unfortuantely a lot of new models or photographers don't always know about this and it can get them into situations they don't want. It also creates a stigma around freelance modeling that I haven't fully come to terms with. People will often think freelance modeling is code for sex work. 

Then it prepetuates this idea, because I'm naked in my photos or not the size and age of an agency standard model, that those things are sexual. I've had to shake off the feeling that my boobs and butt make me less of a model, or that nudity automatically made me sexy. They're feelings that didn't feel real, but felt projected on me. 

I hate when people pretend it's just an American thing because it isn't. It's all over the globe. Every culture has men AND WOMEN that believe if I'm nude in photography, not in an agency, or not a size zero or 13 then I must be a sex worker.

 While there is nothing wrong with doing sex work. I don't want to do it. I don't want the attention. I'm disgusted by lewd comments. I don't want money in exchange for turning someone on. The idea that somewhere out there someone is thinking about me in a sexual way is discomforting. It's been a reason for people to not take me seriously or care about me as a person.

There is a terrible stigma around sex and sexuality. As if they're not a normal part of life and most people's lives. There are still rules and ideas of what it is or should be or how often.. etc.. etc. I don't know if it is cultural or innate to put sex into a weird category that's taboo, private, and ironically, wildly desirable. I can't quite understand it but I don't see any move to change that. I think it'll take a while but sex work will get decriminalized and legalized in my life time. The ideas around it though... Well we can see how race and gender look in politics still.