Photo by Theresa Manchester

 It's the weekend after Christmas and the weekend before New Year's.  It's been a week and a half now since my birthday.  This time of year so much comes together that it feels very much like some important change has occurred, and that I should be different. I don't know that anything really changes, but I've learned a lot over the last year. The new year feels like another opportunity to get up and try again.  I have new goals and aspirations and wisdom, and my whole position in life feels changed.  This time last year I thought I was quitting modeling and starting a life in marine biology. This year I look forward to turning modeling into my full time business without any more reservations.  I have this constant feeling that this won't work out and shouldn't work out. But those are all the feelings that people have put upon me. This idea that an artist isn't allowed to survive on their career.  How many times have I heard that this is a labor of love? From my family, friends, TV, and even other artists? I reiterate this point a lot because it is repeated so often to me and feeds my insecurities.  If I fail at this, I let everyone else be right.  But in my experience art isn't a labor of love unless I can't put in to work to make the money. The business and marketing, the constant learning to do make up, hair, budget, etc.  What job isn't like this in some way? I think I gravitated and settled on this because while being pushed into something more academic, I saw my friends struggle with finances, feelings of inadequacy, keeping a job, happiness, etc.  If I'm going to suffer for my work and maintaining a job it might as well be for one I can find rewarding.  I love business. I want to own a business besides modeling one day.  I like being my own boss, being busy, and managing my organization from a point of power.  I've been lucky that this worked out for me. Not everyone finds success in their passions no matter how hard they work. Since I spent 20 years looking for something like modeling, and a few more years not accepting modeling as a calling, I remember the despair of working and not knowing why.  I don't know if other people actually relate to that or if it is just part of being such an emotional person