5 Malevolent Foods

NOOO!!!!! YOU CAN’T CALL THIS A COMIC!!!!! YOU DIDN’T EVEN DRAW ANYTHING!!!!!

Oh yeah? Well the word comic comes from the Greek komos, which means ‘to revel’. And yall are reveling yourselves to be dumb as fuck!

Ahhh I’m just playing I know you guys don’t believe that. I think the real-world examples are a necessity here, because without them I don’t think people would buy into the reality of stuff like candy milk or the fact that there are genuinely like FIFTEEN different brands of butthole-themed hot sauce. 

Allegedly, the real flavoring agents behind ‘Birthday Cake’ flavoring are vanillin (artificial vanilla), a creamy-tasting chemical called diacetyl, and a little hint of almond or cherry. It’s not that bad when you put it that way! Oh wait, yes it fucking is, even Coca-Cola’s godless flavor gestalt ‘X7’ can be traced back to a subtle mixture of real-life plants like orange and cinnamon. Artificial vanilla? That’s basically it? We’re too far gone. We’ve willingly chosen to nurse from the wire mother instead of the real thing. Bubblegum, too, is derived from a tutti-frutti mixture of real-life fruits— or at least, a simulacrum of them. The closest relative to birthday cake? Cotton candy. Which, you guessed it, is basically just vanillin. Look, look, I know the score here, all this shit is artificial— but could you like, at least hide it better? Could you apply a little finesse? 

When you don’t think too closely about the effects it might have on third world countries, a total worldwide loss of lactose tolerance is a pretty fun hypothetical to entertain. Maybe you could put something in the water— it’s a sort of elegantly simple utilitarian supervillain plan, something a vegan Ozymandias or Magneto might cook up. And you can’t even justifiably come kill me for it, because ultimately, it’s not really that big of deal.

This doesn’t really fit in with the rest of the stuff on this list, but my and ex and I used to watch Bar Rescue and laugh about how often John Taffer and his celebrity chef of the week mention ‘elevated classics’. This was usually code shitty diner food that you could charge double for because it was cut diagonally or had some kind of ‘slaw’ on top of it. Never any “this guy comes from Ecuador, he makes good Ecuadorean food” or even a dedicated pasta dude. Every single one of these Vegas motherfuckers was known for ‘elevating classics’. If you’re ever get the urge to watch the show (excellent crap TV to talk over) I’d recommend keeping an ear out. Elevated classics— take a drink!