How to Become a Goddess?

“So, girls, the most important thing is — your inner goddess always knows what she deserves,” — purred the sugary, pompous voice of a blonde on the screen from the marathon “Become a Goddess in 21 Days.”

Joseph lazily threw one arm behind his head, the other still holding the remote. On his face — a ridiculous moisturizing mask, that sticky, cold crap — but damn, it felt good on his overly smooth cheeks. The T-shirt with the angry cartoon cat clung awkwardly to his... her... those impossible tits, which still made it hard to lie down properly.

He caught himself not looking away from the show, actually listening to that coach lady talking about “how to spark a man’s protective instinct with just a look.” And worst of all — part of his brain nodded along: yeah, might be worth a try...

— You serious? — came Selena’s cold, slightly mocking tone — his friend, or rather the one he'd switched bodies with a month ago. And judging by the sound of her voice, she'd been standing there watching for a while.

In that moment, Joseph’s heart clenched tight, and he jerked on the bed. His boobs jiggled slightly, but that didn’t matter now — panic washed over him.

— Selena?! — Joseph shot up from the couch, the moisturizing mask nearly sliding off his face. — How long have you... how long have you been standing there?!

Selena smirked, leaning against the doorframe. Her own — well, his — body, now her constant reflection in the mirror, looked so familiar and yet so fucking foreign.

— Long enough to see you soaking in that sacred feminine wisdom, — she nodded toward the screen, where the coach was still ranting about “sexual charisma.” — And to see your little eyes light up when she mentioned “manipulating guys with just a glance.” Oh, and I see you’re enjoying those masks too, huh, goddess?

Joseph felt his ears burn as his hands yanked the mask off his face in a panic, the sticky coolness grossly dragging against his skin. He tossed it onto the nightstand, turning away from Selena.

— It’s... It’s for the skin, you said so yourself, — he muttered, desperately trying not to look at her.

— Mhm, — she nodded, kicking off her boots, — Even though I told you ages ago it’s not necessary... you still—

— Selena, cut it out, damn it, I... — Joseph snapped, jumping off the bed, trying to steer the conversation anywhere else. But right at that moment, the TV blared:

“And collagen masks especially help awaken femininity, smoothing not just your skin — but your fears…”

Selena burst out laughing. At first just a chuckle, but then she completely lost it, bracing herself against the wall, gasping for air. Her eyes sparkled with mischief, and a wicked grin froze on her lips.

— Oh god, I’m sorry, I’m sorry — she managed between laughs, brushing hair out of her face. — “Smoothing your fears”? Seriously? So what, you're in here smoothing out your fears now? For real?! Oh, fuck... — she snorted again, unable to stop.

Joseph sighed, feeling the heat spread across his cheeks and breasts. He stood in the middle of the room, fully aware of how ridiculous this whole thing looked, but trying to keep a straight face.

— Just drop it, — he muttered, rolling his eyes. Then he suddenly exhaled and, as if grabbing onto a lifeline, added: — By the way, I’ve actually got news. About... the swap.

Selena immediately frowned, her playful expression replaced by a cautious one. She stepped closer, her heavy man-boots thudding dully against the floor, and for the first time all day, Joseph felt not just awkward, but... vulnerable. Her height, her current body — his former one — loomed over him, and he... he felt the weight of his tits under the T-shirt again, how the fabric clung awkwardly to his hips and hugged his waist. Fuck.

— What kind of news? — Selena asked seriously, her eyes locked on him.

— I found this guy, he deals with... unconventional stuff. He says there’s a way. A real one. — His voice trembled, but he kept going. — But... there’s a catch.

Selena narrowed her eyes, interest flickering through her gaze.

— A catch? — she echoed, stepping closer. — You’ve got me intrigued now. Come on, spill it. What kind of catch? Do we have to spend another month “awakening the inner goddess” every morning? Or... — she grinned wickedly. — Or maybe someone has to master the art of manipulating men with her eyes for it to work?

Joseph shot a sharp glance at the screen, where the coach was now demonstrating how to “move your hips right” to “magnetize attention.”

— Oh for fuck’s sake! — he breathed, frantically smashing the remote buttons, but the show, as if mocking him, kept going:

“Remember, girls, until you fully embrace your body and start radiating feminine energy, the universe will keep ignoring you!”

Joseph’s fingers trembled as he finally managed to shut off the TV, but a heavy silence fell over the room, soaked with unspoken shit and that dumb line about “feminine energy.”

Selena, pressing her hand to her lips, snorted again, though she was clearly trying to hold it back.

— So... the catch? — Selena dragged the word out, peering into his eyes, genuinely curious. — Don’t keep me hanging, or I’ll start thinking I’m stuck with your sausage for the rest of my life.

— Pfft, like I’m loving these two hypersensitive balloons! — Joseph snapped, curling his lip.

There was a brief pause, just a few seconds long, but they both felt it — like something tangible hanging in the air.

— Okay, so... the catch is, well... — Joseph hesitated, scratching the back of his head, his fingers sinking into the soft, way-too-silky hair. He winced, like he’d tasted lemon, but pushed on: — This guy says we can reverse it all... but only if we go through, let’s say... a specific ritual.

— A specific ritual? — Selena repeated slowly, savoring the words as she tilted her head. — You said that in a way that’s giving me goosebumps. What kind of ritual? Goats? Sacrifices? Or... — she gave him a look from head to toe, lingering on his breasts, — ...is it more of that “embrace your feminine essence” crap again?

— Selena, cut it out! — Joseph rolled his eyes, but his tits still gave a traitorous bounce as he sucked in a sharp breath. — It’s a lot more complicated than that.

Selena went quiet. The smirk still lingered on her lips, but her eyes dimmed, like a veil of sarcasm had briefly lifted and something tired slipped through — something she’d been hiding all this time.

— A lot more complicated… — she repeated, softer now, not as sharp. She sat down on the edge of the bed, fingers laced together, her gaze drifting around the room until it stopped on the TV, where the black screen still flickered faintly. — Talk.

Joseph swallowed, bracing himself, already knowing he was about to sound like some chick who'd listened to too many esoteric podcasts and was planning a trip to India to “find herself.” But what else could he do? This past month they’d tried pretty much everything to switch back, and still had no fucking clue why it happened in the first place.

— So... — he finally muttered, avoiding Selena’s eyes and rubbing his wrist — this guy... He’s not just some random scammer from a message board. He was recommended to me... by people who are seriously into occult shit. He says we can talk to... well, to God. Or something... like that.

Silence settled over the room. Selena, still sitting on the bed’s edge, leaned forward slightly, her fingers clenching tighter. Her face still held a trace of irony, but it seemed to weaken — like the exhaustion she’d been carrying was finally starting to show through.

— Hold on… — she said quietly, frowning. — Talk to God? Are you being serious right now? This isn’t just “wake the goddess within” crap anymore, this is… — She stopped, lips pressed together in thought.

Joseph nodded, feeling a tight knot rising in his throat.

— He said there’s a ritual. With a special substance... — Joseph hesitated, pulling a folded paper from his jeans pocket, slightly crumpled from how nervous he’d been. — It’s... well... it’s some kind of strong psychotropic. We take it, and if it works... we go there. To a place where you can actually... communicate. But if it doesn’t work — it’ll just be a trip. Or worse.

Selena let out a quiet snort, but this time, there was no anger in her voice.

— Psychotropic? You mean... drugs? — She raised an eyebrow, locking eyes with him. Her gaze held exhaustion, but also the tiniest flicker of hope — so faint it was almost invisible. — And after that... “talk to God”? Just like that?

Joseph shrugged, staring at the floor.

— I know how it sounds. But Selena… — He finally met her eyes, and his voice cracked. — What else are we supposed to do? We’ve already tried everything! Unless you’ve got something better?

Selena stayed silent for a few seconds, eyes down. In her mind flashed the moment she’d first woken up in Joseph’s body, the pure shock of it. How they talked after, how they kept trying to switch back again and again. How they even tried bashing their heads together as hard as they could the first time, how much that hurt — the days of walking around with a fucking lump on her — his — forehead, and the swap still didn’t vanish. How they fought, nearly tore each other to pieces... but then made up and even... had sex.

— That’s what I’m saying too, — whispered the soft female voice — her former voice — right by her ear, and she felt a gentle palm touch her stubbly cheek. It made something twist inside her — not from fear, but from that strange, warm feeling that had been getting disturbingly familiar lately.

Joseph snuggled closer, resting his head on her shoulder, his thin arms gently wrapping around her, and Selena suddenly realized just how fragile her old body had been.

— Let’s try it, Selena, — he murmured, almost in a whisper, burying his face in her T-shirt. — Because otherwise... I’m seriously going to turn into a goddess.

He laughed after that — quietly, but with a sincerity that didn’t fit the absurdity of the moment.

Selena let out a heavy breath. Her big hand came up and rested on the back of Joseph’s head, carefully, almost tenderly. Her fingers sank into the soft, silky hair, and again it threw her off balance.

— Christ, what a fucking mess, — she muttered, not moving her hand. — Stroking your head, knowing it’s my old body, and somehow I’m starting to get used to it...

— Getting used to it? — he chuckled, lifting his head slightly, his hair like silk sliding through her fingers. — You’re not the only one.

Selena snorted, letting her eyes run over him again. Thin wrists, those too-big eyes that were hers now, those curves under that ridiculous T-shirt, skin all smooth and shiny after that stupid face mask... It was all weird as hell — and yet, there was some twisted comfort in it.

— It’s horrible, obviously, but yeah, — she admitted, sliding her fingers along the back of his head, — You look so... cute, it makes me wanna punch myself.

Joseph snorted, gently slipping out of her hand and straightening up. He tugged the T-shirt down with practiced, if still clumsy, hands, but his boobs still gave a little bounce. His cheeks turned pink.

— Yeah, especially when your “cute” version is soaking up advice on how to manipulate men, — he rolled his eyes. — Anyway, fuck it… So, the ritual. Are we doing this?

Selena looked at him for a few silent seconds, then gave in:

— Let’s do it, fuck it… If there’s even a chance we talk to... God and he can undo this — I’m in. I’ll even trip on magic mushrooms if that’s what it takes.

Joseph let out a short laugh:

— Perfect… But first... — he stepped in closer, their faces nearly touching, his boobs gently pressing into her stomach. He looked up at her, and a sly half-smile curled on his lips. — I think we need to… seal the agreement.

Selena didn’t even have time to react before his lips touched hers. Quick, almost playful, but for a second she was wrapped in warmth. Those lips — so familiar, so hers — now felt completely different. Soft. Juicy. Nothing like before.

She laughed right through that fleeting kiss, lightly jabbing him in the side with her palm:

— You little bastard, — she muttered, not hiding her grin. — But fine... Deal’s sealed.

And a bit quieter now, looking him in the eye:

— Let’s try it, Joe. Either you turn into a goddess, or I get my ass back.