Being a Cat Sucks?

Was I really going to spend my whole life and die as... a cat? A cat, goddammit, a cat! One in a billion chance that I’d survive death and end up in a world with magic — and there you go: you’re a fucking cat! Months on all fours, tail between my legs, no way to clean myself like a human, just… with my goddamn tongue! You have no idea what that’s like!

I thought I’d hit rock bottom when I had to lick my own ass under someone else’s window or beg for food with a pitiful little “meow”… but nope, turns out that wasn’t the bottom. The bottom is when you’re a scruffy, mangy cat, sitting in the hot sun by some girl’s feet, as usual not understanding a damn word she’s saying, and then — like the universe itself wants to mess with you — your biggest wish since the moment you woke up in this furry body suddenly comes true.

You become human!

Cool, right? Ha, yeah, if only it were that simple. I wasn’t even thinking about it as I sat in front of her like always, stomach twisted into knots… and then — flash. No sound, no warning. A soft warmth, like something slipped through my fur and pushed me… out? Up? Inward?

I jerked. Instead of grass and dirt under her bare feet, there was just this blurry mass the color of the sky. My ears were ringing, my mouth dry. I... felt lips. Real, soft, sensitive lips, not some stupid cat muzzle. I took a deep breath — and it hit me.

Holy shit. Am I human? Am I… am I a chick?! No fucking way!

And yeah, I was breathing with my chest, sure, but technically, with huge, female breasts. This was real. Two soft, swollen weights suddenly pulled forward my new slender body. They barely fit inside this tight, already-sweaty floral dress. One careless breath — and those thin straps looked like they were about to snap. I blink, feeling long eyelashes tickle my cheeks. Try to speak, but my voice… oh God, what the hell is this voice? Thin, high, breathy — like one of those anime “cutie girls.”

— Wh… what the fu…?! — slips out. But that’s not my voice. That’s some soft moan. Light, almost wet. Sexy.

Right in front of me on the ground sits… a cat. Black and white. Me. My old body. And the bitch is looking at me with a smirk. No meowing, no panic — just a quick glance and — poof! — she jumps and vanishes into the bushes.

— Wait! Are you fucking kidding me?! Come back! — I try to jump up, but… my legs?! Heels! These stupid platform shoes! I wobble up, almost lose balance, and in that moment I feel the dress pulling in all the wrong places: sweaty underarms, heavy boobs rising with each breath, hips swaying, and something weird between my legs. I remember how it’s supposed to be down there, and this is definitely not it!

A car drives by. A man behind the wheel whistles.

— Hey, Serafima! Thought you could just disappear like that?

I freeze. Serafima? Who the hell is Serafima?! For the first time I actually understand human speech, but I’m in no mood to celebrate. That voice — deep and rough — was clearly aimed at me, and I did not like the way it sounded. Shit.

— Uh, I’m not, I’m not… she, that cat, I need to… — I stammer, fumbling, as he slowly gets out of the car.

His shadow falls over me, and I feel a sticky drop of sweat roll down my spine. My heart is pounding like crazy. My brain is screaming: Run! RUN, YOU’RE FUCKED!, but my legs are barely holding up — especially in these damn shoes. I take a step back, nearly twist my ankle, and all I want right now is to hide. Disappear. Go back to the cat body and crawl under the nearest bush.

But he’s already close. A hulk of a man with broad-ass shoulders, a sweaty tank top, and a stare that made me want to cover every inch of my body — especially the damn tit-mountains that were now part of me.

– Back at it again? – his voice dropped, thick and greasy. – Don’t play dumb, Sera. You know how this ends.

– I… – but what the hell could I say? That I’m a reincarnated dude from another world who, just a minute ago, was a cat and now suddenly ended up in the body of some chick named Serafima? Seriously? This guy didn’t look like the type who’d just laugh and let me go.

– Open the portal – he growled, almost whispered. – We’re going home.

– What fucking portal?! – I blurt out in a panic, not even recognizing my own voice. It trembled, sounded pathetic and… way too girly. I already hated how I talked.

The guy stopped, squinted, like he genuinely couldn’t believe what he just heard. His thick eyebrows pulled together, and he leaned in closer, like he was trying to peer into my damn skull.

– You shittin’ me? – his voice went cold. – The portal, Sera, now. I’m not carrying your ass around in this heat. You know what happens if we don’t get back before sundown.

So he really thought I was this Serafima chick, huh? And I guess she can open portals? I’d seen something like that once, running around the area — some guy in flashy robes opened one. Looked complicated as hell. I figured you needed serious skill for that. Alright, so maybe this Serafima is some badass witch or something, yeah? Then why the hell wouldn’t I, being her now, be able to pull it off? Of course I can! Screw the boobs — I’m finally human again, and I’ve got magic!

In that moment, confidence flooded through me and I smiled slightly.

– Uhh… alright, alright, just give me a sec – I forced out, stretching a fake smile like I was about to whip out a spell from a first-grade textbook.

The guy didn’t move. Just narrowed his eyes a bit. His muscles were tense, his stare burned through me. He didn’t trust it, but he was waiting. He believed I was Serafima. That this was just her usual shit.

And me… I raised my hands, staring at them. Long fingers, moist. A neat, soft pink manicure like something off a magazine cover. I could even feel the breeze between my fingers. Everything felt so thin. Fragile. Helpless. But… I tried to focus. Come on. Magic. Portal. Just give me a spark!

Noth-ing.

Empty.

I blink. Still silence. No warmth in the chest, no light in my fingers. Not a trace. All I could feel were my tits — heavy, hot, sweating under the sticky dress that was digging deeper into my skin. The fabric was soaked now, nipples clearly visible, and I instinctively crossed my arms to hide them. My legs were shaking. The heels — pure hell. My whole body — a goddamn ticking bomb. A woman’s body.

– Uhh… – I started backing away. – Something’s wrong. Maybe… maybe I overheated. The sun, the heat… you know, magic doesn’t always work in these conditions?

He took a step toward me. I squealed. No joke — squealed like a scared little girl. The sound just slipped out. Sharp, pathetic, desperate. I would’ve punched myself if I could, but at this point, the only thing I could probably punch was a pillow.

– Sera… – his voice turned dangerous. – You’ve got two minutes left. Don’t ruin our day. Or I’ll drag you back myself.

I pressed my lips together. Panic. Real panic. One thought spinning in my head: Looks like there’s no damn magic in this body. Looks like I just turned into a chick with massive tits, who’s somehow guilty of something and supposed to be some kind of powerful witch, right? Shit, I don’t even know how to walk on these legs, how the hell am I supposed to cast spells?!