First Kiss

My finger froze at the edge of my thigh, not daring to move even a millimeter higher, like the fate of the world depended on it. The fingers of my other hand nervously fidgeted with the hem of the way-too-short skirt — why the hell did I even wear this thing? I kept trying to hold my knees together, even though I knew that only made it more obvious how… small I was. Narrow. Fragile. And completely out of place.

What a fucking idiot I am, who even acts like this? I’d been giggling the whole damn night, not even knowing why, laughing at everything he said. I couldn’t come up with a single thing to say myself, totally lost. He’s probably disappointed in me now. God, pull yourself together, what the hell is wrong with you! You’re still Mark Rivers on the inside, goddamn it — a 35-year-old cocky womanizer with a flawless startup portfolio and women changing faster than the seasons, the kind of guy who could drop anyone into bed with a single look. Why the fuck am I shaking like this, with goosebumps crawling all over me?! — I screamed at myself in my head, digging my fingers into my knee, like that could somehow hold back the feeling spreading inside me… no, it wasn’t fear, it was worse. It was excitement. Pure, ringing, girlish excitement that sent warmth surging to my throat and made my lips start trembling on their own.

— You okay, Mel? — said Tyler, and I fucking flinched like I got startled, turning toward him just as strands of my long hair slid across my cheeks. He was looking at me — attentively, warmly, and way too… genuinely. And me? I could barely breathe.

Too close. He was sitting way too close. I could feel his shoulder next to mine, feel how the thin fabric of my hoodie did nothing to shield me from the heat coming off him like a wave. And in that moment, I realized: my brain — the adult one, the rational, restrained one — it just couldn’t handle this. I was scared, truly scared, because I didn’t know what to say. Because I could feel my knees trembling, and my lips were dry. Because I, goddamn it, was blushing. I was really blushing.

— E-e-every…thing’s f-fine — I croaked out and turned away immediately. Goddamn it, Melody — no, Mark — remember who the hell you are! Remember who you were just six months ago. Yeah, maybe you’re stuck in this ridiculous girl’s body, but you still know how to keep your cool, you still remember how you made millions, how you got people to do what you wanted, even lied to their faces without blinking. Yeah, you fucking like this Tyler guy, so take the goddamn lead already, why the hell does your voice sound like you’re not a millionaire with titanium balls but a scared schoolgirl on her first date...

That thought made my chest clench — not because I was judging myself for all this. No, it was something else. The truth of it hit me hard. I was that scared schoolgirl now, on her first date with a guy she really liked and didn’t want to lose. This was that first love — the kind you remember your whole life, the kind that’s so overwhelming and usually not forever, but in this moment feels more precious than anything else ever could.

— Hey, if you’re not into this, I’ll take you home — Tyler whispered, seeing how I turned away. He placed his hand on the gearshift and pressed the clutch. No, no-no-no. We just got here! Why the hell is he saying that?

— No! — it burst out of me, way too sharp, way too loud, my voice cracking, almost hitting falsetto. I flinched at the sound of it. — I… I just…

I turned to him, feeling the thin straps of my bra dig into my shoulders, reminding me once again who I was now. Melody Smith — and not Mark. Not the guy who’d been on a hundred dates like this and always walked away the winner, who could get almost any girl even if she started off saying something like, “you’re not my type.” No. This wasn’t like that. This time I was sitting in front of Tyler, a girl with a pounding heart, shaky breath, and every tiny nervous twitch giving her away — trembling fingers and a tingling low in her belly.

— Just nervous — I said a bit quieter. It sounded almost sincere. Almost. Because in reality, I wanted to burst into tears and at the same time grab him, bury my face in his shoulder and… no, stop. No.

He smiled. That soft, understanding smile that made my knees go weak. He thought it was cute. My embarrassment. My uncertainty. My trembling hand on my knee. Right? Please tell me that’s what it was, because I don’t even know what to think anymore. Or maybe he didn’t like it? That I’m such a coward? That I’m sitting here, not knowing what to do, thinking about all kinds of shit. Trying to pull myself together but only making it worse.

— I like being with you — he said softly. — I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Just… if anything’s wrong — tell me, okay?

I nodded. Simple, short, almost automatic, but inside everything was pounding. Words stuck in my throat, and my tongue felt completely out of control. I wanted to say something like: “I don’t give a damn how I feel, just kiss me already, can’t you see how much I want this!” — but it didn’t come out. I wanted to. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even do it myself. Just nodded, like an idiot. Like a girl who’s scared to ruin everything. And also — like a girl who’s falling in love for the first time.

He slowly moved his hand off the gear shift and… instead of putting it back on the wheel, he placed it on mine. Gently. Warmly. His fingers touched my skin, and I nearly stopped breathing. Like it wasn’t just a hand, but a pulsing source of heat, making everything inside me sing. No way. This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t be reacting like this. I shouldn’t. It was just a touch. I’ve held girls’ hands hundreds of times, so what? But this… this felt like he wasn’t just touching my skin — he was touching the very core of who I had become. This dumb, nervous, skittish schoolgirl. Melody. Fuck.

— I just… — I breathed out, not taking my eyes off his hand. — Never before...

— On a date?

I shook my head. He froze. I felt him tense up.

— Never been kissed — I whispered. Clumsy, awkward, like I’d just confessed to something shameful that wasn’t even supposed to be said out loud. And right away I wanted to look away, to hide, to run somewhere no one would touch me. Where there’d be none of these fucking emotions, trembling fingers, and stupid thoughts.

He didn’t say anything. Just held my hand a little tighter. Not squeezing — no. He wasn’t pushy. He just… made it clear he was there. That he understood.

— Then — he said, slowly turning his face to me — I want your first time to be… right. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Mel.

I shut my eyes. God. The way he said it. The way it all sounded — dumb and cheesy as hell. Nobody falls for lines like that except stupid schoolgirls. Any other girl would’ve laughed at a move like that. I know that for a fact! And the worst part — it was all working on me. Inside me, something warm spread out, and his words made me feel so damn good, and at the same time everything inside went tight. I wanted to scream, to grab him, to kiss him — but... I was scared. Scared to mess it all up, and ashamed of that fear, because it was so damn silly and girly! But...

— I want to — I said softly, almost in a whisper. And I surprised myself. Because it sounded so sure. Like I really was… ready. Like my first kiss really was about to happen.

He leaned in slightly, and his face got way too close. I saw his eyelashes, felt his breath, and his lips… so close. My heart did a somersault, like I hadn’t kissed hundreds of women before, like I was standing at the edge of something massive, something important, and everything about my future world depended on this moment.

He kissed me.

Slowly. Gently. Barely touching. But I felt it with my WHOLE body. And I shuddered. I didn’t know where to put my hands. I didn’t know how to breathe right. God, what the hell is happening to me...