7 tips for successfully breaking a bad habit

"Alright, time to end this circus..." — I muttered through clenched teeth, holding the cigarette between my lips. A familiar flick of the lighter — a click, a flash of flame. I took a deep drag, feeling my lungs fill with thick smoke. I knew in my mind that this would be the end. I'd return to my usual body, my jeans and T-shirt, and stop feeling this strange lightness stretched over a woman's skin.

But nothing happened.

Instead of the expected dizziness and the sensation of falling into myself, a wave of heat washed over me, and suddenly I started coughing. Not a weak cough — but a chesty, furious cough, one that almost made me drop the cigarette as my lungs seemed to try to turn inside out.

— Shit! — I gasped, bending over as the coughing fit finally subsided. The voice that escaped me was too high-pitched, too shrill. Her voice. I was still in this body.

I glanced at the glass door leading inside. My reflection stared back at me: a girl in a white top, clearly showing more than it should, and black lace panties. What the hell? — I thought, trying to calm the panic rising inside me.

And then a voice sounded.

— Lily? Are you there? What's all the noise? — A man's voice, deep and authoritative, drew closer. The sound of footsteps on the parquet floor made me freeze.

Who is this? — flashed through my mind, and then I realized. This was someone who knew the girl, the one whose picture I found online to try out this body-swapping thing with a woman. Alright, just relax, Bobby, get back in your body... But how? I raised the cigarette to my lips again, lit it, and inhaled so hard my eyes almost popped out. But nothing happened except more coughing.

— Lily, what are you doing there? — His voice was getting closer, his footsteps on the wooden floor louder. I turned around in a panic, my gaze darting between the glass door and a plant curling up the wall. Damn it, why isn't anything working? Why am I still here?

My hand jerked instinctively to my neck, to the thin choker that was uncomfortably tight, reminding me that I was still in this body. My head swam slightly, and my heart pounded as if I had just run a marathon. A deep breath — but instead of the usual calm male steadiness, I was overwhelmed with a strange rush of anxious sensations.

The door creaked open. I froze, half-bent over with the smoldering cigarette in my hand.

— Lily, are you out of your mind?! — he shouted.

Lily. So her name is Lily, — flashed through my head before his voice filled the room again.

— What the hell do you think you're doing? When did you start smoking!? And, what the hell... Why are you dressed like this? What kind of outfit is this?

Why is he yelling at me?! And treating me like some damn teenager! What the hell?! I'm 34 years old! — I mentally snapped at the guy.

— Dude, take it easy! — it slipped from my lips, but my voice sounded way softer and thinner than I expected. Lily's voice. That high, almost melodic pitch only added fuel to the fire.

— What? What did you just say?! — The man stopped, staring at me. His thick brows furrowed, and his eyes seemed to burn through me. He looked both confused and angry.

I took a step back and felt the cold of the tile under my feet, making me shudder. His gaze was heavy, and every second under his intense scrutiny felt like an eternity.

— Look, I... I don't know what you're talking about, — I mumbled, trying to collect my thoughts. My hand automatically jerked to my neck, touching the choker, like it was some kind of shield. — Just... give me a second. I'll explain.

He furrowed his brow even deeper, as if I had just said something completely absurd.

— Explain? — he stretched the word with clear disbelief, taking a step closer. — Have you seen yourself? Out here on the balcony, with a cigarette? Have you completely lost it, Lily?

His voice was commanding, and his gaze burned. I took another step back, but now there was only the railing behind me. The cold of the tile beneath my feet was biting, just like his piercing stare. I swallowed hard, trying to come up with some kind of excuse, but all I could feel was panic. What the hell? Why haven’t I switched back? It always worked before! And... I need to get rid of this guy and figure out what to do!

— I... I just... went out to get some fresh air, — I forced the words out, feeling how unconvincing they sounded, wishing I could roll my eyes at myself.

— Get some fresh air? With a cigarette? You’ve never smoked before! — His voice got even louder, and his face hardened further. — Is this some new way of getting attention? I'm not changing my mind about the wedding, you better believe it!

— Wedding? — it slipped out of me before I had time to think about what to say. My mind was ringing with alarm. I could feel my heart pounding too fast, and my palms starting to sweat.

The man frowned even harder. His gaze seemed to pierce right through me.

— Yes, the wedding, Lily, — he said slowly, as if trying to explain something to a small child. — Or do you think I’ll change my mind just because you suddenly decided to play the "bad girl"? It won’t work. We’ve already discussed everything.

His tone was filled with a mixture of irritation and cold determination. A wedding? What wedding? Who is this guy anyway? A fiancé? A brother? Or... a father?!

— Listen, fine... I... I’ll just go, okay?

The man took a step forward, blocking the door.

— Go? Where the hell do you think you’re going? — His voice sounded like he wasn’t used to anyone contradicting him. — Pavel will be here in half an hour! Go and fix yourself up! Damn it, you’re not a daughter, you’re some kind of freak!

"Daughter? So, he’s her father?" — flashed through my mind, but it didn’t make things any easier. Panic squeezed my chest. All I wanted was to get back into my own body and get out of this mess as fast as I could. But nothing was working. Why the hell wasn’t it working?!

— Pavel? — I tried to latch onto the name, hoping to buy myself a little time. — Who is that?

His face suddenly froze in a strange mixture of irritation and suspicion.

— Who is that?! Lily, are you kidding me? Your fiancé! — His tone made it sound like I’d just asked what color the sky was. — Don’t you remember last night?

Fiancé. Damn it, fiancé. My heart started pounding even faster. I barely held my face together, trying to look at least somewhat calm. Alright, I need more info to figure out how to get out of this nightmare.

— Yeah, yeah, I remember… it’s just… there was a lot going on last night, — I mumbled, desperately trying to fake a relaxed vibe. — I think I overheated a bit.

— Overheated? — His tone was dripping with sarcasm. — You overheated when you started all this crap about backing out of the wedding. I said we’re not discussing this, Lily. It’s decided.

Backing out of the wedding? So, Lily wanted to cancel the wedding? What other family hell did I just land in? Okay, maybe if I tell him everything’s fine, he’ll leave me alone, and I can figure out how to get back into my body!

— Look, dad, — I tried to say the word, feeling it cut through my tongue. — Okay, fine. I’m, like, totally cool with it, don’t worry. Alright. If it’s a wedding, then it’s a wedding.

— Really? — His eyebrows shot up, but there was still disbelief in his eyes. — Are you serious, Lily? Or is this just another game to stall for time?

I forced myself to smile — tightly, but enough to seem sincere, so he wouldn’t suspect anything.

— Seriously. It’s just... you know, this whole panic thing hit me, nerves. Girl stuff. But I get it now. It’ll be fine.

— Well, finally, — he leaned against the door, crossing his arms. His stern face softened slightly, though the tension was still there. — Pavel’s a great guy, Lily. You won’t find better. Stop acting like a spoiled little girl.

"Pavel’s a great guy? I don’t give a damn who this Pavel is! Just get me out of this damn body!" — I screamed mentally, but out loud, I just nodded, mumbling:

— Yeah, I got it. Thanks, dad.

He sized me up with a look that reminded me of a boss evaluating an employee after a serious mistake. Then he straightened up and stepped back toward the door.

— Alright. You’ve got half an hour to get yourself together. And for God’s sake, get rid of that thing! — He pointed to the cigarette still smoldering in my hand. — It’s disgusting!

I hurriedly stubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray on the railing, feeling my hands shake.

— Of course. No more, I swear, — I said with fake ease, hoping he’d finally leave.

He nodded, watching me for a couple of seconds before turning and walking inside, slamming the door behind him. As soon as he disappeared, I leaned my hands against the cold railing, feeling panic rise again in a fresh wave. What the hell am I still doing in this body?!