Carneilan Blog -- Into the Dark -- January 2020

The earth shook, rock and stone agape, everything seemed to crumble inwards sinking deeper and deeper, the roars of the inerts of Gaia herself tearing apart in an array of crackling and desolation. 

Whoever thought that to stare at the flower of narcissus itself, would mean my world would turn upside down… that to stare at my canvas like daffodils in the cool breath of spring, and feel the ground beneath my feet crumble, I would find myself deeper into the depths of hell? Art has been the force of Hades himself tearing apart the earth beneath me, taking me by my wrist and bringing me deeper into the inerts of the unknown. I may be a masochist to an extent, I had everything, a pretty green field full of abundance and flowers, yet I was willing to throw it all away to grab the flower that would send me to the path of utter decimation and regurgitation. One could argue that Persephone did not know what she was getting herself into, and that the rose colored glasses made er’ want to pick every flower in that damn field; however there was an element of confidence that she found in the beginning, and she attained when she left hell itself. 

The throne was absent of light, a black so deep that it could bring you cycling every year, torment you, make you throw away the canvas you dreaded, swear over the unsaved file, internally investigate why it was never good enough… To throw the towel in, and find yourself picking it up and wringing it out. Art is a dark path, despite how fluffy you make a creature, it is a path that demands sacrifice. Art is sedentary, art is deceptive, blinding, egotistical, competitive, straining, emotionally perplexing, and above all, a skill that requires work and discipline. That creature looks fluffy, and that werewolf looks hot, but it is extremely easy to undermine the tens of thousands of hours it took to get to that point… careful, you might just find yourself picking every flower, messaging every artist with sparkles in your eyes, and liking all their replies on twitter; or even worse, allowing art to become a ritual of self destruction. 

As I have mentioned before in the previous blog post here on the Carnelian blog for my Patreon, I have taken this wrong turn in my art in the past, and it has taken years to recover from this intoxicating cycle, a throne for your shattered ego to rest on; some sort of uneasy peace as you gasp for a breath of air to try and grab the fruits of knowledge from the depths of hell. You must suffer to learn right?

Confidently, and swiftly, she plucked the six alizarin crimson red pomegranate seeds from his hand, a juice-puckered seed of transformation. She could leave for six months, but was bound to return for the following six.

From what I have learned, truthfully and straightforwardly, you must be balanced to ever even begin to get better in art. It takes a moment of genuine inspiration and patience to suffer, and grow from the stick figures of the past. In many ways, to make art is to take the beating, and the most valuable skills are resilience, patience, and understanding yourself. The healthier you are, the faster you will grow. Art can be stressful to the mind, body and spirit, and if you can grow to adapt to that, and relay the truth about your journey to your clients, the faster you will be able to get better at doing the work.

In some ways I get my inspiration and philosophical understanding from the imagery of the primal cave, disappearing to make art, and diving in for a journey into the unknown; in many ways the journey itself can be juxtaposed to Joseph Campbells, “The Hero’s Journey”, where you bring knowledge from the cave to society, and defeat, or heal, the demons/villain/monsters riddled within. We begin a painting in the mundane, look for references (hopefully, eyebrow raise), descend into the values of the unknown, either see ourselves in the unknown or become the new throne of desolation, return with lessons learned, and we find ourselves at a new piece.

“No artist is pleased. No satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.” -Martha Graham’s remark in a conversation to De Mille, over a soda at a diner. 

I have found peace in knowing I will never, one hundred percent love what I create. I will never be perfect, and no artist was, and in the breadth of imperfection, the perfection of humanity is created, henceforth the divine bliss that makes an artist more alive than others is found in our error. The suffering, the chaos, the order we create from that, is the painting, is ourselves, and bringing confidence to our work, to ourselves everyday will develop you far more faster as an artist than binge watching Proko on YouTube. Art has taught me some of the hardest lessons of life, it has taught me to quickly take the “L” when necessary, and comeback with dedication to grow and evolve. Honesty, and throwing away false positivity can be such a carrying force in your own transformations with your art, sometimes ripping the Bandaid off can help you realize you can do this, if you give it your all.

When you know you can do this, when you find the safety and assurance in yourself, whether on the throne or in your reflection, all you have left is to do. As cheesy as it sounds to keep practicing, practicing is not just doing the piece, it is every bit in between as well. It is the personal work that is necessary to heal yourself, take a break to not burn out, or to just do it. 

“It doesn't matter what you do or what you think, just do it. It wont turn out any different otherwise, for better if not worse. Let intent, experience and intelligence pull the leads. Sit back and enjoy the ride, the only constant is change, the only seat is doing. Buckle up and bite hard, it’s gonna hurt and swell, you’re gonna come out mangled but the world will call it art” -From a recent meditation. 

Be confident in your journey, do the work necessary, and love it. I have had trouble to be completely honest, with finding peace in so much happiness and space to just grow. I will unpack that in the Quartz Blog piece up-and-coming. I have felt so many complex emotions with all these changes and transformations, sometimes it feels so very quiet. For most of my life, caretakers have warded me away as looking at art as a possible career. Taking this step has created such a drastic shift in my outlook of the world. I have found this space, grown this space all my life, hid it, and now I am working to heal it, and find peace. Art has so many dimensions to how it shapes you and how you shape it, and I am still learning and have so much to learn. I hope this piece gives you an insight to my own experience with doing art, and touches into more of the darker aspects of doing art as a career. Thank you for tuning in for this month’s Carnelian Blog post, and I hope you have a great rest of your month. 

I have my work cut out for me for January, there will be two Patreon exclusives, a long with a few commissions that will be actively completed this month. I am excited to share with you all the work in progresses, steps to my creative process, and doodles from this month. Stay tuned, as I have started to incorporate more content into the Patreon and its different tiers. I am thinking of opening the polls for Februaries exclusives in the next week. 

Actively being worked on; 

Chazzy’s Piece

2 Exclusives

Dashing’s Piece

Lavra’s Piece

Shevski’s Reference