Set diary - Lying on your Resumé

Lying on your resume

It was my brother, an honest man in all things worth being honest about, who first told me about lying on your cv. I met him where he was living in Brighton, studying at the uni and working at a local bar. “A bar? You’ve never worked in a bar before, how did you get that job?”, I asked with rosy cheeked innocence, knee high socks and a soft British accent from the 1920s. “Ah” he said, “my fresh faced sibling, scooch closer, and I’ll tell you a tale” The wily old bastard, had made a cv with three previous work experiences, all absolute bollocks. Three jobs, three bars that didn’t exist and three phone numbers that went to his mates back in Dublin. He said he had a great laugh coming up with the name for the bars, trying to make them sound as Irish as possible: “mc gunnery’s, o flahertooleys, Fiddly mc Donnachoahahhchchahchas”. Bear in mind, this was 2006, so still early days of the internet, where local businesses weren’t listed, and only a few places had facebook page, so he wasn’t likely to be caught. It’s important to mention, as an aside that although he had acquired a science degree already, he didn’t even mention it - the opposite of some people I know. He was going for a bar man job and all of his previous experience listed him as having been a manager. The logic, he explained though a large handlebar moustache that he didn’t have, was that if they figured he could manage the place, then he could pour pints, lock up, and mop up.” This tactic was good enough for him to get to the interview stage - where the 90/10 rule applied. Fib, the euphemism for lie, is appropriate here, and I’ll explain why. My brother is a clever man, and if says he if he says he can do something, he either can, or there's a decent chance he will be able to. So, at the interview, he fibbed 90 percent of the time - Yes he could do that, yes he did know how to make a Long Island ice tea, or yes, that system of keg changing was slightly different to what he knew from Fiddly mc donnitap-taps, but he’d figure it out. Then, about 10 percent, he tell them the cold hard truth. No, he’d say, I’m afraid I absolutely do NOT know how to do that. He was careful to choose what to fib and what to be truthful about, making sure that the most insignificant or easy to learn items where that which he was truthful about - the result was that the tattoo laden, piercing encrusted, flat shoe wearing interviewer (it was Brighton remember) would wave it aside with a nonchalant smile and say “its all good bruv, that’s well easy to learn”, whilst also believing his 90 percent fibs, the sudden cold hard truth adding ballast to the bullship. He was never fired, and worked there for years.

If you’re looking to know the origin of Irish lad, he’s responsible for at least 25% of that.. the other is a friend of mine we’ll call John, because he’s called John.

John’s tactic was slightly different and far clumsier. He employed it readily in the USA, where he was on a J1 visa. He and a friend of his, both students were over in Montana, scouring the local listings for jobs, “cleaner needed”, or “dish washer required” when they came upon a far better paid option. “Cabinet maker needed”. Now, cabinet making is not something that you can just have a crack at, give it a go - it’s a highly specialised job that if you don’t know what your doing, you’ll try and build a cabinet and you’ll end up with a foldable picnic bench with glass doors. They were handed the keys, as the cabinet maker went on his holidays for the weekend. Two days of sweat and splinters later, he returned.

The lads had managed to used all of the guys wood, 200 more nails that was required but in fairness, their creation did closely resemble that of a cabinet, albeit one with a squint. Their cabinet stood proud (leaning against a wall), and appeared solid, until you touched it, whereupon that rectangular box shape we’ve come to know and love in a cabinet momentarily became a rhombus, before slinking back to a rectangle, accompanied by a friendly squeak. They were fired obviously, but not before they had to clean out his entire storage section for punishment.

What’s the lesson? I don’t know, I guess lying is bad, but some lying is not as bad and other lying is inadvisable

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