[I am a Table] Chapter 34

Lena clapped her hands together again. “Alright, we just need to try again!”

The dragon queen nodded. “Indeed. We simply need to refine our coordination.”

Lena sat.

A second later, the dragon sat.

“I thought that was so good!” Lena cheered. “Let’s try again, but maybe I’ll sit down quicker.”

“You are quite right. I will sit down more slowly.”

NO! You’re supposed to sit quicker, stupid talking candy bar, not the other way around!

They stood up and tried again.

Lena sat.

Four seconds later, the dragon flopped onto the ground like an expired marshmallow.

“Hmm,” the dragon mused, licking her lips in deep contemplation. “I believe I was still early that time.”

Four seconds? FOUR—ARGHHH!

You are supposed to sit FASTER! FASTER! NOT SLOWER! This isn’t a delicate waltz, you licorice-brained lizard!

Without knowing, Blorbo had activated Surface Agitation, and he started vibrating.

“Oh look!” Lena pointed at Blorbo. “You sat too quickly the table rumbled. You must slow down a lot more!”

No, no, no…

The dragon huffed, offended. “I am the Queen of Candy! I do NOT move in haste!”

“Then you count it!” Lena gestured wildly.

“Fine.” The dragon held up a claw. “On three.”

“Got it.”

“One.”

Lena flexed her legs, ready.

“Two.”

The tension thickened.

“Three.”

Lena sat.

The dragon leaped into the air and dramatically landed three feet away from where she started.

“Was that not perfect?!” The Dragon gasped in amazement. “How is this possible?”

NO, IT WAS NOT PERFECT! IT WAS THE WORST ONE YET! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING, YOU OVERSIZED GUMMY WORM?!

I give up.

Out of nowhere, the candy pile erupted, sending peppermints and taffy flying in every direction as the robed mage catapulted himself out like a sugar-fueled banshee.

"ZE ECONOMY WAITS FOR NO MAN!" he bellowed, his four-gloved hand raised triumphantly to the heavens.

Lena and the dragon screamed.

Pure, unfiltered, instinctual terror overtook them both. And in that exact moment—they sat down.

The air crackled. The ground beneath them shuddered.

A golden portal ripped open beneath the dragon’s seat.

“Great. I forgot this type of ritual summons a portal,” she roared, her wings flaring in alarm as the swirling vortex of light and sugar began dragging her in.

Right as the candy dragon was being sucked in, a golden quest icon appeared atop her head.

Blorbo clicked on it.

[SIDEQUEST: Power of the Peppermint]

Objective: Stare at the Queen of the Candy for 5 seconds.

Reward: The Rare Passive Skill—Power of the Peppermint

Prerequisite: 10 STR, 10 END (You can accept this quest)

Failure: None

Accept: Yes/No

A Rare skill?! Only for staring?

Why has it only shown up now?!

He clicked Yes as quickly as possible and started staring.

The dragon screeched as the portal devoured her whole, her voice echoing into the void, “I hate you, Dong Shifu. YOU WILL RUE THIS, YOU MISERABLE, UNBALANCED HUMAAAAAAAN—!"

And just like that—she was gone. It hasn’t even been a second since Blorbo first started the sidequest.

NOOOOO! Why, why, why?!

A single jellybean bounced across the floor in the silence that followed.

[QUEST COMPLETED: Expel the Dragon Queen]

Reward: +25 EXP, + 1 Random Beginner-level Skill

[Congratulations! You have leveled up to Level 3]

[+5 Attribute Points]

[+5 MAX HP]

[+1 MP]

[MAX MP INTRODUCED]

Why do you only feel the need to introduce a MP cap now? You mean the first 2 levels were exploitable if you could just travel the world and farm for MP?

Guess I’ll never have the chance to find out.

Lena jolted from the cold floor. “Dong Shifu? Wait? Is that the name of Master Shifu?”

“I am all covered in sticky royalty.” The four-gloved mage shrugged the candies off himself as he climbed down from the peppermint tower. his four gloved hands moving in perfect synchronization as he adjusted his cloak, straightened his hat, and dramatically flicked a stray caramel off his shoulder. He turned to Lena with a newfound intensity. “Zat name… Master Shifu… What business do you have with zat man?”

Lena, still half in shock from the screaming, the portal, and the sheer absurdity of the past five minutes, blinked. “Uh… He stole my dad’s knives?”

The mage recoiled as if she’d just told him her father was the lost emperor of the twin moons. “Impossible! Master Shifu is a man of great refinement! A connoisseur of ze finest treasures! A ruthless capitalist! He would never settle for mere knives unless—” His voice dropped to a whisper. “Unless… they are no ordinary knives.”

He’s trying to get information from you! Do not give him what he wants!

Lena crossed her arms. “Oh yeah? I would love you to tell me what you think the knives are!”

Good, good. Pin it on him!

“It is not in my realm of knowledge, for I am a Holder of the Liquidity, not a holder of knives.”

“Oh, oh! You said you know about Master Shifu. Can I implore what you know?”

The mage tutted. “Tch. Very well.” He folded his arms, his cloak billowing dramatically despite there being no wind. “We trade. I tell you what I know of Master Shifu, and in return, you complete a simple task for me.”

Lena jumped up and down. “Do tell. Do tell!”

The mage leaned forward, his voice low and ominous. “You must complete… ze ultimate test.”

Blorbo braced himself. Oh no. Do not… Do not!

The mage raised his hand and—WHAM!—slammed a massive ledger onto the table. “A full, audited financial statement.”

Lena gasped. “You don’t mean—”

“Yes,” he whispered. “With accurate expense tracking, projected cash flow, and—ze most difficult of all—categorization of liabilities and assets.”

Blorbo screamed internally. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

***

With cramping fingers and a numbing mind, Lena hunched over the ledger. The candlelight flickered as the hours dragged on, her quill scratching away at paper like a prisoner etching tally marks into a cell wall.

Blorbo had already completed his stats distribution: +2 END, +2 PER, +1 STR. The usual. There was nothing else to do.

He had long since given up trying to keep track of time. Had it been two hours? Four? He didn’t know. He only knew suffering.

As the sun began to set, Lena set down her quill. “Done.” Her hands were still shaking.

The robed mage, who had been lounging dramatically in a chair with his boots propped up on the table, snapped upright. “Ah! Let us see…” He picked up the ledger, flipping through the pages with his four-gloved hands. 

Blorbo swore he saw the mage wipe away what seemed to be a tear, but Blorbo couldn’t tell because of his shrouded hood.

“Incredible,” the mage breathed. “Impeccable accuracy. And ze speed—! Although zis is a novice version, you still have done much faster than I expected.” He sighed wistfully. “Ah… zis is what true talent looks like.”

Lena weakly grinned. “Does that mean I passed?”

“Oui, oui! You have exceeded expectations. You may now call yourself… an Apprentice of Business Liquidity. You may call me your Financial Luminary.”

Lena fist-pumped him. “YES!”

Blorbo was too exhausted to scream.

“Mister Financial Luminary,” Lena continued, wiping sweat from her brow, “May I now know you know about Master Shifu?”

The mage casually set the ledger down and leaned back. “Ah, oui, of course. I last saw Master Shifu at ze township of Nokia. He was doing business with a man named Adrien Silverleaf.”

A long, dead silence filled the room.

Blorbo’s nonexistent jaw hit the floor.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THAT’S LITERALLY THE INFO WE GOT YESTERDAY! I ALMOST LOST MY LIFE FOR THAT! I FOUGHT IN A TABLE JOUST! I WAS NEARLY SHATTERED INTO SPLINTERS! AND YOU’RE TELLING ME I JUST NEEDED TO DO SOME BOOKS TO ATTAIN IT INSTEAD?!

Lena’s eye twitched. “That’s it?”

The mage nodded, completely oblivious to the sheer amount of suffering he had just caused. “Oui. I had a feeling zat was what you wanted. You should have just asked me yesterday.”

Blorbo vibrated. I AM GOING TO LOSE IT.