BOBUS: "Waiting On a Song From Steve" (James' Version)

Hey, patrons!

A.J. here. Sometimes when I'm making the commercials/interstitial segments, a lot of stuff ends up on the cutting room floor (most of it, admittedly, for the best). But I thought maybe it might be fun, every once in a while, to release some of the interstitials that run a BIT too long but are, I think, still worthy of seeing the (color and) light of day.

So, in that spirit, here's the extended version of "Waiting On a Song From Steve" which I have dubbed "James' Version." While I stand by making the cut for the episode, there's a couple of rhymes and moments in the extended version I liked and thought maybe y'all might like too! I hope you enjoy it!

Lurv,
A.J.

"Waiting On a Song From Steve" (James' Version)
Music by Stephen Sondheim
Lyrics by Dr. Samuel Bultch, D.D.S.

James:
(Spoken)
Steve?
Why are we three days from critics coming to see the show
And we don’t have any songs for Act Two?
Steve?
What the fuck, Steve???
We’ve been waiting since the final DRESS.

DEVISE A NEW SHOW
HEY THAT’LL BE SWELL
THAT STEVE’S A GENIUS
AND NOW WE’RE IN HELL.

WAITING ON A SONG FROM STEVE
JUST ONE-

PATINKIN’S A WRECK
BEGINNING TO CRACK
BLOOD PRESSURE’S RISING-
IS THIS A HEART ATTACK?

JUST GIVE ME A CLUE, STEVE
A TINY LITTLE CLUE
YOUR SONG’S ARE PAST DUE, STEVE
YOUR SONG’S ARE PAST DUE!

Steve:
(Spoken)
Do you ever think about the word Tostito?
Tostito.

James:

SONDHEIM’S FUCKING BAKED
HIGH, STONED
THAT’S YOU STEVE, YOU’RE SO BAKED
HIGH, STONED
I WISH IT COULD BE ME
HIGH, STONED
GOD, JUST WRITE A SONG!

WELL THERE ARE WORSE THINGS
THAN WAITING FOR NEW PAGES ON A SUNDAY
THERE ARE WORSE THINGS
THAN WAITING FOR NEW PAGES
BEING WRITTEN BY A MASTER
AS YOU’RE PUTTING IN NEW STAGING
AFTER MOVING FROM OFF-BROADWAY
ON A SUNDAY!

Steve:
(Spoken)
I think I’m gonna write a musical about bees next.
It’ll be called “What’s the Buzz”
It’ll be about bees.

James:
(Spoken)
What are you TALKING about?!?!
OHP! Heart Attack!
HEART ATTACK!!!!
(Sung)
WELL IF YOU WANT CLOUT
AND RESPECT AND A HIT SHOW
HIT ‘EM WITH SOME GUSTO
SONDHEIM IS A NO-GO

IF YOU WANT A SONG
THAT IS STRONG
AND A PROCESS THAT WON’T PREMATURELY AGE YOU
I’LL ASSUAGE YOU

YOU WANT A WEBBER, PORTER, KANDER PREFERABLY
GERSHWIN, MENKEN, SCHWARTZ
VIABLE
SOMETHING NICE THAT’S FUN
RELIABLE
AND CLEVER

ALL IT HAS TO BE IS DONE
WE LUNCH AT ONE
JUST MAKE IT DONE.

STEPHEN’S STYLE IS PATIENT
STEPHEN’S STYLE’S OBTUSE.

BUT CHRIST, STEVE
TAKE SOME ADVICE, STEVE
JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING
SO THERE’S AN ENDING
WITH SOME CHILDREN
AND ART
HEY, THAT’S A START!
SO GET TO WRITING
I’LL BE HERE DYING!

OH SHIT I’M ALIVE
I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD
I THINK I’D LIKE THAT
BUT I’LL WAIT INSTEAD

Steve:
(Spoken)
What if the bees had a government?

James:
WAITING ON A SONG FROM STEVE!

Steve:
(Spoken)
They’d call it a bee-mocracy.

James:
THAT’S NOT EVEN A WORD
WHAT’S HIS THING ABOUT BEES?
THE SHOW CAN’T OPEN
IF I BREAK HIS KNEES!

WHERE THE HELL IS MANDY?
STARING AT A WALL!
THAT’S ALL FINE AND DANDY
BUT NOW HE’S TOO SMALL
CURLED UP IN THAT BALL!
GOD THIS IS SO FRAUGHT!!!

WELL THERE ARE WORSE THINGS
THAN WAITING FOR SOME PAGES ON A SUNDAY!

THERE ARE WORSE THINGS
THAN WAITING FOR SOME PAGES
AS YOU’RE PUTTING IN NEW STAGING
AFTER CRYING IN THE AISLE
AFTER SENDING SOME POOR INTERN
TO GO OVER TO A KINKOS
IN THE MIDDLE OF MANHATTAN
TWENTY BLOCKS FROM STEVE’S APARTMENT!
ON A SUNDAY!
ON A SUNDAY!
WHERE’S THE NEW SONG-?

Steve:
(Spoken)
I think the score for the bee musical is gonna be jazzy.
Do you like jazz?

James:
STEVE!!!!!!