PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Should Young Men Focus On Career Or Relationships?

In most things a proponent of balance. As young man gave work my priority. Relationships of all types gave some attention. Found that friendships as primary relationship was very good for me. Big component of this, friendships relationships less dynamic. Gave me a safe harbor for learning on the romantic frontier. When I first started dating it was before the internet and dating sites. Would almost call it more organic. Seeing someone at a dance or out. Getting information from your friends and her friends. Agree with working on all parts of your life at the same time. This never changes. Fond that at different stages of life need to give more attention to different relationships. Career or work is a relationship between a man and the world.

Domald

This is a good post and I can really relate to it. Not only is it a moral dilemma but it's is also a mindset shift that is difficult to make. From trying everything that's offered to you to then be with one girl and leave the dating market is a difficult shift for men to make since we are so hard wired for novelty.

Tomer Shamay

Yeah I do agree it does feel great having a sense of purpose but also having a relationship is even beautiful when you find the right partner.

4 years ago I realized how the dating market was a game rigged against men. Since then I've been putting most of my time into developing my interests into a career. Countless hours of studies, late night work with projects and sacrificing every and any kind of dating scored me the job I've been dreaming about since I was a kid. Now every morning I wake up with a smile and happily drive off to work to do the thing I love doing, and the money allows me to do pretty much whatever I wish to do. But putting myself out there and going on dates is somehow not one of them. The past years of solitude taught me to value peace of mind. Putting it at risk by filtering date subjects became unimaginable. I may pay the price for it one day, but right now, at the age of 26, I have everything a guy at my age can wish for. Great video and quality content as always! :)

T13PR

Take what you can get for experience

Pick up is an art but maybe just as much emphasis is needed on dropping off girls ( ie leaving them better off if you only dated casually ). For a man to maintain a healthy relationship with one girl we'r taught you should first get good with many girls and have abundance. But won't plate spinning/casual dating in the first place before settling down ruin the very society you want to bring your children into with that one special girl. Its a moral dilemma. When you know casual dating isn't good for women ie their pair bonding ability, but you also know that you need abundance and know how on women's nature in todays unregulated dating market to even maintain a relationship, what does one do?

Sheikhspear

Totally agree. In my family, my grandfather on my dads side lost his roofing business in his 40s and died in his 50s. They struggled a lot. My dad was injured in a serious accident in his 20s, was diagnosed with MS in his 30s, and has been out of work on disability for a long time. My stepmother supports them. My grandmother and grandfather on my moms side both worked - they retired early and stayed happily married until my grandma passed this year at the age of 91. My mother had my older sister at age 18 and has been primarily a stay at home mom all her life but took part-time jobs occasionally if money got super tight. Her and my stepdad struggled and fought about money a lot. You can’t grow up in a family like that and NOT see the value of a woman building enough of an education and skillset to work.

It’s really hard for me to ‘have fun’ as a 21- year old, because i care (a bit too much) about my status. I refuse to date low quality or not good looking girls. The girls in and below my age group are so promiscuous and i can not find that attractive. Today i came back from my vacation trip (traveled on my own). I saw and spoke to some beautiful, young, like minded girls, but the fact that they just want to date for the fun (due to vacation, nobody knows you, Alexander made a video about this) really is a big turn off for me. Of course i still want it. It’s hard to find the good balance.

Wrote a long post with all my moaning about my failed dating life, but somehow it lost once I publish it. Anyway my point will be as simple as it could be. Don't waste your time on women and dating. Chase your goals as a man. I spent years learning how to attract girl of my dream and marry her. I failed in the worst way possible. I'm forty now and I'm too old to dating. The good looking guys have all the success in dating from the high school. And they spent zero effort learning the women psychology they just have fun. Still I got my business and career running. And I could do so much better for another decade or even two.

Sorry to hear that. I completely agree with your point. For the man career should be a priority.

I'm a proponent of balance - or at least I am now - but I have to say that doing everything at once is just a recipe for disaster. That mentality was exactly how I was raised (in my very conservative Christian upbringing) and I have to say: it destroyed my life. Every one of my personal goals fell apart because I didn't have the personal bandwidth to do everything at once. In my case, the biggest mistake was getting involved in a serious relationship too early in life, and it completely thwarted my career. Her need to advance her lifestyle far outstripped my ability to provide, but I couldn't say "no". I eventually spent so much time working that I flunked out of university. (Having panic attacks multiple times per day.) It wasn't until after I got divorced - after being married for 18 years - that I finally got anything like a real career going. Before that it was just bouncing from one thing to another, often working two jobs, robbing Peter to pay Paul. Constant stress. (No wonder I have heart disease now.) My point of view is: If you don't have your money together, you don't have anything. That is your foundation for everything else. Don't kill your potential before you even start. Give your future relationship at least a fighting chance by being prepared to finance your life.

The meaningful work thing is so true!  My husband would rather work for free doing something he cares about rather than make real money at something he doesn't like. And I would say Alexander's advice of working on multiple things also goes for women. As a feminist, of course I think women should get an education and establish a career, and do it before marriage &  kids.  Even if a woman's main goal is to have a family and stay home to raise her kids instead of having a career, she still must get a good education and have a job of her own that she enjoys, even if it's just part time. That way she can be the back up plan for the family if her future man is out of the workforce indefinitely.  But I know that advancing one thing, in my case my career, before all else is a detriment.  I didn't develop hardly any relationship skills until my late 30s.  So I definitely see the wisdom in working on all facets of yourself at the same time.

Jennifer Coopman

Great points

Alexander Grace

Yep :)

Alexander Grace

"how do I tell the girl that I'm dating that I'm not looking for anything long term" you really shouldn't ask that kind of questions. It immediately shows all of your insecurities and beta blue-pill programming, sorry. Once you meet a really attractive girl you will want to marry her and live happily forever. I was like that in your age. It didn't worked. Focus on career, take your time to learn theory.

Money won't get you love. Height and good look will. So why bother if you don't have those? Pay for sex if you need it but don't overpay.

Absolutly agree on the last part about settling too early with someone else. Made the mistake and it is just awful for everbody. Do not recommend.

Alex, do you ever respond to comments in here? Asking for a friend.

I was young once.

Todd McDaniels

Fulfill yourself every day by pushing your boundaries and growing. Care for your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health. Be the best version of you and continue to put yourself out there. Focus on meeting and experiencing good times with other people, not necessarily rushing to figure it all out tomorrow and find one person.

You have to do both. However, I do not always see these things as mutually exclusive. Skills you build on both sides will help you in all areas of life. Also, there are many ways to gain "relationship experience" outside of actually being in relationships. The important things are to allow yourself to experience each season of your life, meet new people through those seasons, and become comfortable with the introspection of yourself. I am not advocating for going life alone, but I would argue that people learn more from facing difficult experiences like letting someone they love go before they've had the opportunity to explore it than they do from getting complacent dating the same person or dating so many people that they aren't really allowing themselves the opportunity to experience each partner. I wouldn't spell doom and gloom for guys who haven't had a lot of dating experience by 25. Honestly this is becoming more and more normal and it is nothing to be ashamed about. Time is not an accurate measure of growth, and really what counts is the quality of the relationships in your life and not necessarily the quantity. If you know yourself, meet someone who inspires you to be better every day, and spending time with them is very natural; it doesn't really matter if she's dated 10 people and you've only dated 3. Of course the fact that your values will change as you grow older is very important, but this is why you have to continue to put yourself out there. We never really know when it's all going to come together for us, and that's something we really cannot control either. Once you become comfortable with this fact, you grow as a person exponentially.

I personally would love to be in a relationship, but I have a lack of options and women normally overlook me. The only way it is said to attract women is by working on yourself which is why I have gravitated toward that. I’m 21, what is my next course of action?

26 is so young, your life is just beginning, I think it is great you are putting your health first and working on yourself. You shouldn't compare yourself to others, people only show the highlights of their lives, most people have moments of misery that they don't show the world. So what do you want to do in the future Eli?

Alisha

I feel so behind. I'm 26 and I've barely started with career or relationships and it worries me I'll miss both boats altogether. But it's not that I've been lazy, instead of working on those two things, I've been simply working on myself. It's hard having so much anxiety that it's taken sooo much work just to get a job and to start getting friends and then such severe depression that I don't care to live. I feel like for me it's taken me so much longer than everyone else to mature or to become an adult and yet I still feel like I missed out being a kid. But what can you do? All I can do is push forward and try to improve myself enough so that I can do these things and just hope it's not all too late.

Also, a very good video Alexander, I had no idea you lived in a bus at one point. Ya big hippy! 😅 But in all seriousness, I agree that people should not treat money as if it will bring them instant happiness xxx

Alisha

Been in a relationship since I was 14 and my man was 14 (currently we are 22 for any newbies here) and tbh I side more with the relationship thing. But tbh with you both me and my man were not the kinda people who were all "we need a relationship and it comes before everything" we are both quite realistic and if anything I feel our relationship has helped us bother career wise, he helps inspire me and apparently I inspire him 😅 I think people just do what they want. Sorry to get all philosophical but I agree that money is not equal to happiness but obviously it can help alleviate stress and uncertainty. Imagine a world where everyone is paid the exact same for ever job and there were no societal expectations, you can chose any job without judgement, you could even mix and match multiple jobs. Everyone has to work let's say... 30 hours a week, everyone is equal. I would choose 20 hours as a therapist and 5 hours as a chef and 5 hours doing digital marketing. Think of how you would design your life without pressure from other people. What would you want? xxx

Alisha

My husband and I met in college. When we married, I was 24 and he was 25. I agree with what you say in this video and wanted to double down on the money thing. Our first place living together was a small apartment- we slept on an air mattress and lived on ramen and hot dogs for a while. 20 years later and we both earn 6 figure incomes, own a nice home, and tend to eat out most of the time. We love our life and lifestyle now but we were just as happy in that first apartment. In fact, some of our best memories come from that period in our lives. Absolutely pursue a career and grow it. The investments you make early on will pay off later - but try not to bemoan your early, lower, financial status too much. Work hard, get some balance, and treasure every moment as much as you can. Life is too dang short not to.

Lol is this a serious question? Always put ur money first. You will lose money chasing women, but you will NEVER lose women chasing money!

I would say that I have been more focused on my career than relationships in my 20s so far and I think it definitely is difficult to find balance. Most of the women I have met have been low quality and also seeing friends stuck in unhealthy relationships have made me lean more towards my career and developing myself. I guess the downside is that I sometimes feel inexperienced in a negative way, like same-aged women have now got higher expectations. I also wish I had tried pursuing more high quality women, but I did not follow Alexander back then. On the other hand, I also feel confident about myself now knowing what I am capable of and that I can achieve things if I try.

I've been having this question on my mind since forever! I'm a male and just turned 21 and I've had 2 very short relationships. I'm quite socially calibrated and often learn a lot from older more mature people and therefore sought of have second hand experience through dating. I'm not from a high socio-economic background so it is really important to me to work in my career. But I have this question in my mind if I should date. But the other question is, how do I tell the girl that I'm dating that I'm not looking for anything long term. It's kinda sticky and unclear in that situation what I want from a relationship because I'm not dating to marry so that girl won't be much of what I want which might hurt her self esteem and it won't really be a proper relationship. And if I just go for flings then I don't think I will get much relationship experience from that also. So yeah kinda stuck. But this video has helped a bit.

i'm so glad that i subscribed to your patreon i feel like the reason why many people aim for success is just to get love and gratitude. not everyone lived in a perfect loving household or was the pretty guy in school. many people need to fight for that affection that other people are just born with. i remember when i was in a relationship i stopped aiming for success and didn't care about any goals because i already had what i wanted the most. now i just see a more long term value in success. i mean even if i would go completely mgtow (i won't) i still would have build my legacy as a successful person and get gratitude from people around me. and that's safer than a relationship with a ~50% divorce rate here in germany. i aim for success in my 20s but rather to prepare a good relationship when i'm older (and no i'm not an prmiscuous guy).