(updated audio) Even if I crawl as I lay under the weight of it all

Dearest demons,

Finally... it is here.

🕯 𝔦𝔩𝔩𝔲𝔪𝔦𝔫𝔞𝔱𝔢 🕯

~ TᕼE ᗰᑌᔕIᑕ ᐯIᗪEO ~

This video and song has been a long, long time coming... as per it's a few days later than expected but I believe it to be very worth the wait.

This is the second single from the album, H҉E҉X҉, and it is the last video filmed with my infamous orange hair. Bye bye annoying orange, hello new persona "Mishkin Grey".

(Here I am with my lovely hairdressers Alex & Tony - both responsible for some epic video shoot hairstyles)

Anyway, lets talk about the music video first.

I love this one so much because I finally got to achieve something that I've always wanted to do - a video with dance. The vision for it came to me after falling into a ballet wormhole on YouTube one night in the pandemic. I began to imagine the songs from H҉E҉X҉ not just in musical form but as if they had physical movement too. I began to feel the songs in my body, not just my head and heart. As I sat for hours at the piano, recording these strange chords with moving patterns, then I would stick them on afterwards in my kitchen and just practice dancing to them. I got very connected to the music in a way I hadn't before, and it was also then that I realised I didn't want to perform these songs stuck behind a piano. I typed out all the parts as synths in Logic (my music software) and that is how most of H҉E҉X҉ was formed. Later I took them to Anna and the rhythmical elements of the song was added.

Amazingly at the same time this was going on, Hana announced that she was starting ballet classes, and I thought "yes! we could do a dancing video together!" It took a lot of training however, we were both quite alien to the process so there was weeks of work before it looked natural. Being a musician does to necessarily mean that you can dance! We sought out a teacher and happened to find Harry Casella - a amazing dancer and choreographer who class I attended at my local gym. He was encouraging, positive and also turned out an incredible drag queen who does Nintendo-themed drag race. Yes, Nintendo Drag Race exists. Only in Brighton! You can check out his page Mary-O-Kart here.

Alongside all this dancing and moving and writing, I also took up an intense type of Yoga, Hot Yoga. Originally called Bikram Yoga (watch the documentary here, trigger warning though it's quite disturbing), it's known for its healing properties. I was dealing with a running injury and problems with my neck (from teaching/accordion) and had heard that it was the best thing for alleviating this kind of pain.

What I didn't know was going to happen is that I would become intensely aware of my body during this process. The classes are 36 degrees in temperature, with fresh, hot and clean air that is pumped into the room. Because of this you can stretch deeper than a normal class, all the while deep breathing which feels amazing. It is almost impossible to think about anything else except the pose that you are in. As someone who is always cold, always with neck pain, and nearly always struggling with my bipolar, this was exactly what I needed.

After a few weeks of finding it really difficult, things started to click into place. I suddenly found that my body was far more flexible than I had previously thought - I could touch the floor, no wait, I could put my head on the floor! I could do crazy back bends and contort my body into positions that I never thought were possible... I also discovered it was incredibly good for my head, giving me a sense of peace after every class that I had never experienced before. Finally the concept for Illuminate became crystal clear.

I won't tell you anymore - I shall let you enjoy the video, it's freaky, beautiful and expertly shot (of course by Scott Chalmers), with ballet double Jade Hargood (aka Miss Avant Garde) playing Hana's on-point moments, makeup from Charlie Temper and choreography from Harry Casella.

The subject matter of the lyrics is about becoming a new self after a period of doubt and destruction. It's about watching somebody descend to rock-bottom and waiting and hoping that they will begin to climb again. It's about letting go of your dreams and giving yourself over to the universe and trusting it will guide you out of the disappointment that life can cause. During the pandemic the whole future I had for the band in my mind kind of fell apart - we watched our touring plans disappear, our outgoing costs triple and a bunch of other really difficult things that we had to manoeuvre around in order to survive as Birdeatsbaby. Things are very different for us now as a band, and that's ok. But I think this song was written when I was deep in the darkness and perhaps this is my light-side speaking to my shadow and trying to balance each others needs. That is about all the sense I think I can make of it... perhaps some of you can relate?

Anyway, enjoy the song, enjoy the video. And thank you - without you it would never have seen the light of day. All hail the Patreon Flock!

Love & Feathers,

x Mishkin x

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ILLUMINATE

No more words, no more lies

I'll give it to you straight and apologise

I know your name and you are learning mine

I could help you breathe again, lift the load

Heavy with the weight of a fortune told

The stain of a world will keep you paralysed

Kiss the kids and tuck them in tight

We're gonna slip out in this early morning light

Tell our mother we were never kin, never were allies

Just overdue

Weep with me for the dreams that tore

You know I hold them close in a mind of thorns

A single seed of determination in this storm

We've never put a foot wrong so far love

Pull the knife from the page and step in the blood

I want to see every mark we leave upon this path

Oh, crack the shell of a long dead life

We're gonna slip out in that early morning light

Even if I crawl as I lay under the weight of it all

You're not gonna leave my world this way

You're not gonna leave my world this way

Waiting for the things that you may never say

You're not gonna leave my world this way

You can never rule if you never break

Waiting for the fractures to illuminate

You're not gonna leave my world this way

You're not gonna leave my world this way

Waiting for the things that you may never say

You're not gonna leave my world this way

You can never rule if you never break

Even if I crawl as I lay under the weight of it all

---

Drums - Anna Mylee

Guitars - Garry Mitchell

Cello, Backing Vocals - Hana Piranha

Vocals, Synths - Mishkin Grey

Production - Evan Rodaniche

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PS - don't go anywhere, very soon I will be releasing my patreon behind-the-feathers vlog, a cover, a new HVIRESS song... and a livestream (was thinking Wednesday 19th, does that suit you all?). Oh and I'll be shipping the next three months worth of goodies to the top tier demons, watch out 😈