The Clubhouse Podcast #96 | Topics Thread
Added 2020-11-04 04:17:01 +0000 UTCHello, you sweet vintage lads!
You guys know the drill, in this thread leave any life advice, stories, or interesting topics (Preferably NOT gaming related, as we have AAP as our gaming podcast). And we respond to those and have a laugh.
The only difference now is that James and I will be sifting through the topics and choosing those we feel most relevant, entertaining and/or topics we have not responded to before/recently.
I hope you are all staying safe and well out there in your corners of the globe. Can't wait for another Clubhouse! See you Monday next week - Tyler
Comments
Alright lads, let’s skip the pleasantries and get to well... the butchering... First, to clarify a few things. 1. Yes, not very Jewish of me 2. No, I shouldn’t have tried LSD without research. 3. Yes, I said that my penis was erect specifically for the purpose of tension (Come on, I’m not an amateur storyteller). However, I am extremely flattered at your concern for my slab of kosher salami. Anyway, Dasha had enough wit not to call an ambulance (The ambulances in that nation are such that they’d be on time...for the funeral), instead she called my good friend who we’ll call Bogdan (because his name is BALLSAK47), who lived close by. Now, I was not in the natural state of “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK IM HOLDING MY SEVERED BIG TOE IN MY FUCKING HAND HOLY FUCK” but rather in the state of “Ah, I happen to be bleeding an holding a big toe...which rather appears to be mine, in my hand. It also rather hurts.” I don’t remember much of that night, but do have Bogdan to thank for the details here. So, there he was, trying to pick me up, while I, on seeing him, kept offering him a glass of gin. We got into his car and darted to the nearest hospital. Now, hospitals in Ukraine (especially Odessa) have not improved or been renovated much since the Victorian era (when they were built) So it is quite the image - a man bursting into a gothic mansion, holding a guy with a severed toe in his hand, and a crying girl behind them. We reached the clerk and I KID YOU NOT he looked up and sleepily asked “What seems to be the problem” at which Bogdan informs me that I opened up my palm, revealing my toe. Unmoved, the clerk asked me, ME, a man with a Kratos beard, how old I was. After I responded “19”, he said “You’re too young, you should go to the children’s hospital” THE FUCKING CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL. Roughly the same happened in the next two hospitals, before we rushed to the children’s one. At least they managed to get me in there. But the doctor didn’t seem to like my, what Bogdan assures me was, “incessant and half-crazed” babbling in English.” So the good doctor, while stitching me up, began a rather indecent rant about Americans and Jews in Ukrainian, a language I speak. To which, I am told, I replied “Shut the fuck up and sew, you worthless, racist prick” in the language. Thus at roughly 4 am, I was wheeled out of a children’s hospital, with my toe in a little brown bag. Through my grandfather, I managed to get surgery to get the toe reattached and to fix my Achilles’ tendon. Dasha kept apologising and telling me she didn’t mean it, but I had none of it. No. I was a sinner. I was what the modern person would endeavor to call a “fuckboy.” It was fun lads, oh it was fun. But I wouldn’t recommend it to fucking anybody. At all. And Tyler, I’m sure neither would you. It’s a strange thing, It’s a phase that, like you said, many want to go through but never do. Yet it is a shameful thing that such an artist like myself, was in this precarious position. And yet, what are we if not mad souls? Better to rule in hell, than serve in heaven. Anyway, I’m having a book published next month, so be on the lookout. Next time I’ll tell you about the time I got the whole 8-10th grade classes of my Old Odessa school addicted to smoking hookah (by accident) and, uh well.... (Though this is a close second) the most unpleasant situation I’ve gotten into this summer. Thank you once again lads, for your incredible content. It’s always a thing that brings joy to my day. Stay safe and have a fucking spectacularly, organismically viscerally pleasant modern day. -His Royal Grace, King Richard III “The Butchered”
Daniel the Odessite⚓️
2020-11-08 22:26:43 +0000 UTCHello lads! I'm back once more (and hopefully for the last time for a couple months) and I have some brilliant news! As I'm sure you're all aware, I've encountered a witch... and well there have been multiple events that occured that have all been shit but today we have the finale. Well I took your advice and shot an email to my form tutor. She called me around an hour or two later and we sat on the phone just going through what happened and going over anything that we could do. She then called me into a meeting on Monday, which was eventful. I got to the meeting and her form tutor was there as well and again we went over what had happened and they told me that they were absolutely on myside and that something had to be done. They told me they were going to get in contact with her parents and the train station to see what happened and to see if they could do anything. They then rescheduled a meeting for the next day. This time, the witch was there. I bumped into her a bit before I was asked to come in and she tried speaking to me but I just ignored her as she hurled questions like "How are you? Have you forgiven me?" at me. When I got in she looked as if she had just been shot in the leg by her own mum. Took me off guard but I should've realized that she would've felt this way as she is the most crazy bitch I've ever met. We sat there in possibly the most awkward silence I've experienced until the lead tutor came in, along with my friends Rebecca and Anthony. I sat down and explained what had happened, again. Anthony and Rebecca sat there and backed me up while the Witch obviously denied everything I said. To my surprise they showed us an email from the train station which had a video file attached to it. It was the video of her climbing into the tracks and me dragging her out. She went completely red and then burst into a tantrum, crying that she didn't do anything wrong and was doubling down on the evidence being fake. I was taken out by the lead tutor and she explained they were going to keep her there for a while to talk to her. I thought that was it, she had gotten away with a slap on the wrist and I'd spend the rest of the year stressing about her and having to deal with her nonsense. To my surprise, I got an Email from my tutor not too long later. It outlined everything they did. So it turns out she's not allowed to enter that train station for the remainder of the college year, she's not allowed inside the social spaces and is not allowed to use the library or computer rooms and she's been warned if I ever mention this again she wouldn't be entered into the A level exams and would be kicked out. I was quite happy with that news tbh, I saw her and her friends on the way to the train station, my new safe haven, and she looked broken. In tears and her friends just stared at me with the most dirty looks ever. I must say, it felt great. That was it. The witch has been stopped. It's honestly so relieving that I can enter college and not worry about some Psycho bitch harassing me every two seconds. But that also means it's the end of my stories for the meantime, I hope you've enjoyed the past couple months of my miserable life, someone might as well enjoy it. I really don't know what to say, I had no idea my college would actually take this seriously and not make it worse like every other school on the planet. Thanks for help lads, I hope you've enjoyed it but for now it's time to finish this volume of my life. The Witch is done. I'll see you next clubhouse lads and I'll be back when I have a story to share. Love you all! Jas x
Jas Notta
2020-11-07 23:41:36 +0000 UTC
