My journey with my body

I’ve had this written up for many months now but it took me some confidence to post it as it’s very personal, I hope this gives you some insight and maybe helpful.

Hello everyone, I’ve recently made a lot of progress in regards of my body, especially the relationship I have with it. I wanted to share my journey in case it could somehow help others as well. However keep in mind everyone is different, this just happens to be the way I found worked for me! :)

I’d like to give some context on my childhood and the cultural setting I grew up in.

I grew up in a part of Asia where for women, anything above 50kg is considered “fat” and being athletic is unfeminine and seen as “big”. I did ballet, competed in sports and did martial arts growing up so I always tended to have a muscular build and wasn’t ever petite (by asian standards) despite having not more than 20% body fat until 17. Being mixed race there is also often associated with becoming a model/actress, so I was told by everyone growing up, “you should become a star!” but with a side note of “oh but your legs are too big, try to get them smaller.” Even my general practitioner told me to lose weight, despite medically being completely healthy and in a healthy weight range, that’s the extent a certain portrayal of women in media and what’s considered normal skews even a medical professional’s perception of what I “should” look like.

My father was mentally and physically abusive, so I’d get locked into my room and not fed whenever I didn’t fulfill expectations, when we did eat I was always told I am eating too much and could never eat in peace. My father even came into school to forbid the teachers from handing out sweets/snacks to me. I was constantly told I am too fat and he’d encourage my siblings (they’re younger than me and didn’t know better) to also call me names to make sure I’d always feel pressured to be as skinny as possible. I would make myself throw up and developed body dysmorphia. I wanted to look like the women I saw in the local media, without realizing that it would be unhealthy for myself with a different build and much more muscle to try look like them. Looking back, I’m also realizing that being underweight for women is the normal and ideal in that culture. I also had been raped as a child and this further led me to have problems with my self worth, as society told me that I was not as desirable as a woman because of it.

I began to do extreme diets around 15-16. I would lose several kilos a week, however I’d eventually gain weight back, and weigh even more than previously. It was also really hard on me mentally and I would cry just about every day out of hunger and self loathing. It became a vicious cycle, each time ending up heavier. Some of you may know this is called “yo-yo dieting.” My weight would end up fluctuating by 10kg a year, which was around 20% of my total body weight. I had a lot of stress and expectations to fulfill in my life (I was top in my grade for many years and was expected to keep this up), and often I would cope by eating, so even if I kept the weight off for almost a year, eventually some shit show would happen, or end of year exams, and food would be my consolation.

Ok so context and rambling aside, now to how I overcame all this haha.

Initially it was you guys! The fact that you considered me beautiful despite how I felt about myself really helped. Also the varied women I saw in the industry, from petite to BBWs, showed me many more unfiltered body types than what I saw growing up. I came to understand that everyone is beautiful in their own way, there will always be someone who thinks you’re dead drop gorgeous. On the other hand I also received occasional criticism for how I looked, but it was always varied, so I realized it’s impossible to make everyone happy. Thus this led myself to entering the next stage of my journey, seeking self acceptance and validation from within, rather than others. I began to think about what really mattered to me, and what is the real task of my “physical shell”, when I felt happiest in it. I recalled how much joy I had with being physically active, the exhilaration of running, dancing and how good it felt when my body was able to perform really cool things. It was a kind of peace with myself and self confidence I could never achieve when I judged from an aesthetics view point, a standard that I came to realize is incredibly inconsistent depending on who looked at me, even when it was with my own eyes. I also just wanted to not be in pain, be healthy and have energy for my everyday and a happy, motivated attitude.

I changed my lifestyle to incorporate weight lifting, this fixed the health issues I had developed from being inactive for a few years, as well as improving my mental health. I regained a lot of the muscle mass that I had lost, came to really enjoy it and now look forward to going to the gym! I care more about how much I can lift (but not overly, I just try to improve when possible) and that I go consistently, rather than the weight reading on my scale. After all, no one else sees that number besides me and who I decide to share it with. I’m now around the heaviest weight I have ever been, 61-63.5kg at 160cm tall, but I am so so proud of myself because I have been staying around this weight range for over a year now!!! This is the first time since 16 (so in 6 years!!!) that I have managed to do this, and I feel the most comfortable with my physical self than I have been in my entire life. Though my weight stayed around the same, I look really different from a year ago, since I’ve been slowly gaining muscle and losing fat. I have had to learn to be a lot more patient with my progress, going slower and more sustainably. When I eat intuitively I don’t over eat anymore, I feel like the relationship with my mind, body and stomach (lol) is much more in sync, I can follow my instincts with a sense of confidence and don’t feel the need to control and dictate what I eat. I never go to sleep feeling crazy hungry anymore or a sense of self loathing, I’m so at peace with myself in so many ways, it definitely helped changed my life perspective.

Now my body mantra is: If I treat my body right with food and exercise, that’s all one can really do, and how I look as a result, is just the body I am naturally meant to have. :)

Even if you know this, it may take some time to trust in yourself because society and people around you can be pressuring, being underweight for women can be seen as normal and “healthy” when reality it probably isn’t. Educate yourself from reliable sources, go to a doctor. I hope to be a sample of a healthy weight person with a muscular build and for other people to see that this is beautiful too and normalize it. It breaks my heart to think other people may be going through the same thing I did, I hope with my influence I can in some small way help.

Again, I am really grateful for all of you supporting me and giving me the opportunity to figure all this out about myself, as well as being able to remove toxic people from my life who were pulling me down. I am much more motivated, healthier and happier!

If there’s any other topics you’d like me to talk about, feel free to mention it in the comments!