It‘s time for a break

Hello friends!

I have a lot of thoughts right now, so this will be pretty rambly (is that a word? well, now it is)

I’ve been meaning to take a break from social media and work anyway (13-30 June), but scrolling through Twitter this morning I thought “nobody cares if I keep delivering new illustrations right now.” In fact, it feels a bit weird to me if people keep going about their business as if things were normal. This whole movement is just so big and important, and I actually think it’s respectful to take a step back from the usual day-to-day of funny memes and art. It’s just jarring to see “normal content” in between videos of people being beaten and tear-gassed.

That being said, it feels kind of weird to talk about my own “struggles” right now, but I want to be open and let you in on how I’m doing. It’s been two days since the Kickstarter ended and I cannot tell you how amazing the support has been and how grateful I am. But now it’s also sinking in how demanding the last few months have really been. In preparing for my time off, I was about to set an automatic vacation response this morning. So I checked my email settings and realised that the last time I had done that was in October of last year. For 9 months I haven’t been able to unplug from messages and requests for longer than 2 days. That’s just not good.

It seriously got me thinking how - aside from a vacation - I could take a bit of the load off. And the biggest thing is to say no to more things! An interview here and an article there, and emails and social media messages piling on top - it adds up quickly. And eventually there is barely time left for my actual job of making illustrations. So I set up another automatic email response that answers questions people might have or points them to links where they might find answers. It takes care of a good chunk of inquiries automatically and makes me feel less guilty for not responding right away.

Something else that got me thinking (and worrying) is that I don’t feel like painting right now. I haven’t felt like it for over a month or longer, I’m not entirely sure. Once I get started, I do enjoy the process, but I almost have to drag myself to my desk to even get started. There is this resistance and dread that I haven’t felt in years (The last time was when I still did freelance work). Usually, in the morning, I can’t wait to get back to the piece I’m currently working on. But now it’s pretty much just indifference and going through the motions.

But this seriously got me thinking about burn-out. I’ve been feeling tired and exhausted for a while. But that symptom is always easy to shove aside and say “Of course I’m tired. I’ve been working a lot. I just need some rest and I’ll be fine!” But losing enthusiasm for the thing you absolutely love feels not normal and pretty serious.

There is also this weird preconceived notion that you shouldn’t ever get burnt out if you have a job that you love. I’m incredibly lucky and I know that! That makes it even harder to accept that it has become a chore. I feel guilty and ungrateful for not enjoying my work but at the same time just keep pushing and not giving myself enough time to recover.

But the good news is that I know this situation is not permanent. I’ve felt it before. I know that you with enough time, I will come to be enthusiastic about my work again. I just shouldn’t have let it get this far.

An artist once described the creative process as “breathing out vs. breathing in”. When you’re making art, you breathe out. You turn what you have inside you into something - you create things. But in order to do that you need periods in which you breathe in: get inspired, observe, read, make plans. I’ve just been breathing out for too long and now I’m desperately gasping for air.

I’ve been reading two books this last week and I’m halfway through the third. I’m soaking up stories, and I’m doing little things around the apartment, caring for my plants, enjoying the sun and generally just recharging. And I’m July I’ll be able (and hopefully excited) to make things again.

I still have some to-dos to finish up before 13 June (Patreon Rewards tomorrow, finances, the slipcase design for the art book, and Schoolism critiques), but I won’t do more than I need to and take it slowly. For June, I still have a few illustrations from the art book that I can share with you, so there will be rewards, even if I don’t paint anything new. But I’m just really looking forward to not having to produce anything for a while.

Thank you for listening. I hope you’re safe and well. 🧡