Done Adulting Vol. 2 Ch. 30

"I wish you’d give my mom a break,” Jamie said to Ella.

"I just said she ought to have figured a few things out better by now. That’s all. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

"I like the way she treats me.”

"Okay.”

"I … It’s not like you and Stacy. Mom wanted a little, and I wanted to be adopted.”

"But you didn’t want everything that came with it,” Ella pointed out.

"I didn’t know what I wanted. And I like how things are now. Isn’t that the point? The past is the past.”

"Even when she makes you do something you don’t want to do?”

"Which is not often, and only because I won’t make myself do things I know I probably should. I get to be pouty about stuff sometimes even when I’m wrong. That’s my right as a little.”

"You’re right. I’m sorry … But wouldn’t you change some things?”

Jamie thought on that occasionally, especially this time of year around his arrival day, when he thought back on the first days and weeks and months. So many misunderstandings, so much hard adjustment, so much fear and embarrassment and hurt feelings. Ultimately, it was him heeding Becky’s and Manda’s words and trusting them, giving up some autonomy so he could give up responsibility and focus on being Jamie, being happy, that made it all work. It took most of a year, but they all got there.

"Not really,” Jamie shrugged. “I like being a little. You used to be happy that I liked being a little.”

"I am! I still am. It’s just … I’ve been thinking, since everything’s happened this summer, how … there are things I’d change if I could, and you could change some of those, or at least try. I guess I’m just projecting.”

"Well, I like being her Baby Bear. She takes good care of me.”

“I know she does.”

"She’s not like the other bigs just because she’s like them in some ways. I know you’re angry, but she’s still on your side.”

"I know she is. I’m sorry I even brought it up.”

"Good,” Jamie said.

"Okay.”

"You wanna complain about something, complain to Stacy for convincing her to get that stupid monitor,” Jamie said.

"Manda still needs to get you a screwdriver?”

"The battery door is screwed shut!”

"Have you thought about just telling Becky you don’t want it?”

"And say what? That’s it’s a drag on our sex life?”

"If she’s so all-fired understanding, you should be able to just tell her the truth. Or not! Just tell her you want it gone, and that if she respects you, she’ll just do it.”

"Maybe…”

"Just try, Jamie. You’ve done everything she wanted. This one thing you should be okay putting your foot down.” Jamie had never gotten over his discomfort with asking for things, especially when he had to ask twice. It frustrated Ella. She wanted Jamie to be more assertive. When it was about her, he’d stand up for her. When it was about him, she thought he gave in too easily still. “It’s for us,” she reminded him.

"Okay. I’ll ask tonight at bedtime.”

"Thank you.”

Jamie sat there for a moment. A lot of his life worked because of what he chose not to say. He had a good idea of what the thing was that Ella would change, and while Jamie would change that same thing to a degree, he didn’t want to change it entirely. Amanda had been right: diapers were right for him to help him grow close to his bigs and to help him accept giving up responsibility and control, and they were so much a part of his life now he didn’t want to give them up. They felt good; they felt right. As hard as the first many months had been because of the diapers, he wouldn’t change it even if he could go back. All the frustration and embarrassment were just one part of the growing pains Jamie saw as part of becoming the person he was now. He liked that person and that person’s life, and he wouldn’t change anything that would change either of those. He didn’t know why or how that had become a topic of conversation, but it obviously had as Becky had several times now made a point of telling him how he shouldn’t feel bad that Sammy was on his way to underpants.

"I like things the way they are,” Jamie said again. He liked pretty much everything about Jamie, and the parts he didn’t like he was okay with because Becky and Manda and, he hoped, Ella liked Jamie in spite of those things, or even because of them.

"C’mere,” Ella said as she reached out and took his hand. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I like you the way you are, too.” She rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand, and he felt regretful for snapping at her. They were both emotionally delicate, each for their own reasons, and what they needed was to make progress in resolving their respective crises for things to start to get better. It felt like everyone was on edge too often these days.

"And I like you the way you are, too,” Jamie said. “I’m sorry if I got snippy.”

"Me, too.”

The very events they were dreading needed to arrive in the hope that normalcy could return to their lives, albeit a new normal.