Done Adulting Vol. 2 Ch. 19

“Are they just gonna sit there all day,” Amanda asked as she looked out through the breezeway at Jamie and Ella. They were in the sandbox, sitting on it like a beach, just laying in the sun with each other. “It’s sad.”

“Well, they are sad,” Mel said in response.

“So how do we snap them out of it? I mean, it’s fine that they’re sad, but this whole thing could go on for months. They can’t just be this miserable the entire time.”

Mel shrugged. “Get back in a normal routine? What would you be doing if all this wasn’t going on?”

“Probably be at the park.”

“So let’s take them to the park.”

Neither Ella nor Jamie was in a park kind of mood, but they weren’t doing anything else and getting out of the house seemed like it would maybe help.

“You doing okay, El” Amanda asked part of the way there. It was a long walk for her. “You sure you don’t wanna ride?” They brought both strollers just in case.

“I’m sure,” Ella said. Part of her was determined to be more independent than she had been of late, though she knew that was only her wanting to be. It had no bearing on any of the stuff going on in her life. She was just wanting to prove, only to herself, that she could do things on her own, so she took a bath on her own, she dressed herself, she changed herself, not every day but on a few since the visit to the attorney’s office, and Stacy wasn’t sure what to think. She knew Ella could do all those things. But what did it mean that she suddenly doing those things after so much time letting Stacy take care of her? Was she trying to assert independence, and if so, to what end? Stacy felt too uneasy to ask.

Ella knew Stacy was having a hard time. She wanted to help Stacy through it, but she was so confused as to her own feelings she didn’t think she could yet. Ella wanted to stay, or thought she did, but she wanted something else, and she wasn’t sure what. The prospect of seeing her family had her not excited exactly, but she was impatient. She tried to recall all the reasons she’d stayed in the first place. That was before, back when Stacy was just a person who helped take care of her as she recovered. And way before Jamie.

They walked past the tennis courts near the park’s entrance and along the paved path to the playground. The city had finally put in a dedicated bike path, so they no longer had dodge cyclists yelling, “On your left” as they took their time meandering up the path.

“How come you guys don’t have bikes,” Mel asked.

Jamie shrugged. “Becky never got me one, and it never occurred to me to ask.”

“Same,” Ella said.

Mel furrowed her brow, thinking. “You don’t even have a bike,” she said to Manda. “I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you ride a bike.”

“Sure you have,” Amanda replied.

“When?”

“At the … thing, that one time. You know … the one I’m talking about?” Amanda was blushing. Jamie looked at her doubtfully.

“Do you know how to ride a bike, Manda,” Jamie asked.

“Well, not exactly. I mean, I probably could if I tried.”

“How did you never learn to ride a bike,” Mel asked. “And how did I not know that about you?”

“I just didn’t.” Becky took her training wheels off, and there the bike sat until it was too small, and then it was given to charity.

“Maybe you could learn this summer,” Ella suggested.

“I’ll teach you,” Jamie volunteered.

“And I’ll help,” Mel offered.

“But … Okay,” Amanda said. She had a feeling there was no wiggling out of it. Did they know if you fall off you hit the ground? “You guys wanna go play,” Amanda asked by way of changing the subject.

“I need to sit for a bit,” Ella said.

“I’ll sit with you,” Jamie said.

“No,” Ella countered him, “go play tag. I’ll watch you.” The four of them headed over to the big field where a veritable herd of littles were playing tag. A few recognized Jamie and waved.

“Can I take my shirt off,” Jamie asked.

“Yes,” Ella said testily. “You’re an adult. Just take it off.” Jamie sheepishly did. She raised a good point. Why had it occurred to him to ask permission, and why didn’t it bother him that he did?

“Want help onto the bench,” Mel asked.

“Yes, thank you,” Ella said and let Mel help her up. It was high, and she was tired. She watched Jamie run and play. She didn’t want to play so much as she wanted to be able to. She figured she could, just only for a few minutes. What kept her out of the game more was fear that she’d get hurt if someone ran into her. But she liked watching him work up a sweat.

“Think he’ll ever get tired of playing tag,” Amanda asked.

“No, and it keeps him in shape for other things,” Ella said.

Amanda blushed. She thought of Ella as like a girlfriend sometimes, but she also thought of her as a little and Jamie as her brother, so while she was fine with the two of them as lovers, she didn’t need to hear about it.

“Like what,” Mel asked.

“Swimming,” Amanda said at the same time that Ella said, “Sex.” She was feeling unfiltered, driven by the same impulse she had to be more independent lately. Enough not saying or doing what she wanted to say and do because she was a little. She was in a truth-telling mood, even if it was too much information.

“Excuse me,” Mel said, looking shocked. She looked at Amanda, who blushed again and turned back to the game, figuring if Ella was gonna open that door she could be the one to shut it, too.

“What,” Ella said, “where do you think littles come from?”

“Yeah,” Mel said, “but …”

Ella waved her hand up and down in front of herself. “Grown woman, remember?” She wasn’t upset with Mel. She just said it plainly.

“Does …”

“Becky know,” Ella finished the question. “No, but Stacy does, and so does Amanda, not that we need anyone’s permission.”

“I … I know,” Mel said. “I just never thought of Jamie that way.”

“As an adult?”

“No. I know that. I just, well, I guess I never thought of him as … sexual.” Ella knew, though, that while Mel saw Jamie and her as adults, she saw them as adult littles.

“And we appreciate your discretion,” Ella said with a smile. “Becky would probably cry for a week; poor, naive thing.”

Mel laughed. “I won’t say a word.” Amanda wanted any excuse to walk away. She thought about going to talk with some of the moms under the tree, but the Brunhildas – that’s what she and Becky had taken to calling the small subset of snobby little moms who came to the park – were there, too, including the original who had been the first to teach Becky that some people were prejudiced against unregressed littles.

Amanda looked at Ella and then back at the Brunhildas. She hated them. She hated them for disliking Jamie. She hated them for having taught her mom that people hold that prejudice. She hated them for generally being stuck up snobs. She hated that they wouldn’t let Jamie play with their littles except at tag when there were a lot of other littles there, like he was going to infect their minds if he was alone with them. She looked at Ella, and she hated the Brunhildas for thinking the same way about her as they did about Jamie. She hated them for thinking unregressed littles like Ella belonged in countries where they were mistreated.

“Ella, do you wanna go pick a fight,” Amanda asked impulsively. It would certainly make me feel better. Maybe it would make Ella feel better, too.

“Huh,” Ella said. Mel was confused too.

“See those four moms over there in the middle, the ones in such good shape it’s obvious they don’t have jobs to go to?”

Ella and Mel leaned over to see. “Yeah?”

“They don’t like Jamie,” Amanda said.

“They don’t?”

“No. They don’t like Jamie, and they don’t like unregressed littles.”

“Okay,” Ella said. “But why would I want to pick a fight with them?”

“Because fuck them and their bullshit.”

“Um, okay,” Ella said again. Mel was shaking her head and trying to get Amanda to respond. What the hell was she thinking?

“They think that unregressed littles belong in countries where they get treated liked things, and I think we should go ruin their day, just because,” Amanda said. “Wanna come?” Ella’s face clouded over.

“Manda,” Mel said, trying to snap her out of it.

“It’s fine; it’s cool,” Amanda said.

“Yes, let’s do it,” Ella said.

“Can I carry you?”

“Yeah,” Ella said as she held up her arms without taking her eyes off the group. Amanda picked her up and walked over casually with Mel following, certain the stress of the situation had gone to Manda’s head. Amanda walked right into their personal space and pretended to watch the game.

“Jamie sure is on fire today,” Amanda said loudly.

Ella looked from Amanda to the field and the field to the foursome. “He always is.”

“Do you think he’ll ever lose,” Amanda asked.

“Maybe if he ever stops cheating,” the original Brunhilda said. Jane had only scared her away for a few weeks, but she did put a stop to her snide remarks, at least until now when Amanda deliberately provoked one.

Amanda shrugged. “He’s a little. They’re all littles. Seems like he’s following the rules to me. ‘Littles only,’ right? That’s the rule to be in the game?”

“He’s unregressed,” another one said. “Why does he even play? Why is he even here?”

“Well, you know your little has a standing invitation to come play with Jamie whenever. As for why he’s here, because he wants to be, just like your little.”

“Why did you even come over here,” Original Brunhilda asked rhetorically. Fair question, Amanda thought.

“Why not? I have a right to. Jamie has a right to play. He gets to be in Itali just like your littles.”

“But he’s not like our littles,” one of them said. “There are other countries for littles like him.”

Ella went from curiously watching the exchange and wondering where it was going to being incensed. “What countries would those be,” she angrily asked.

“She’s not regressed either,” Amanda informed them.

“Then she doesn’t belong either.”

Mel felt like she should do or say something, but she didn’t know what. It wasn’t like Mel to be speechless.

“And what country do I belong in?” She turned over her arms. Everyone in Itali knew where scars like hers came from. “Huh?” The foursome shut up. “Nothing to say now? Afraid of me?” They went to collect their littles. “Fuck you, you goddamn cowards!” Ella lapsed into silence, and though Mel noticed the eyes of fifteen other bigs on them, neither Amanda nor Ella seemed to.

“Fucking bigs,” Ella muttered.

“Maybe you made them think,” Amanda said.

“I’d settle for having ruined their afternoon.” Petty, she knew, but better than nothing.

“Um, do you feel any better,” Mel ventured.

“A little.”

“Better than sitting at home, though,” Amanda asked.

“Yeah. Can you put me down now?” Amanda put her on her feet. “I wanna walk around a little.”

“Okay.”

“Can I come with you,” Mel asked. Maybe Amanda was good with her wandering on her own, but Mel at least wanted to make sure she was alright.

“Sure.” They walked toward the playground.

“Are, uh, you okay,” Mel asked.

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure? I … I have no idea what Amanda was thinking.”

“Probably that yelling at a bunch of asshole bigs would cheer me up. Certainly didn’t hurt. Not like I didn’t know those people existed.”

“And you’re okay with … I’ve never seen you show people before, on purpose. I thought you … kinda didn’t want to.” Ella frequently wearing long dresses to hide the scars on her legs.

Ella shrugged. “I’m not,” she thought on the word, “ashamed of them. Or at least not of how I got them. Just not something I advertise, that’s all.”

Mel fought the urge to pick Ella up. Who wouldn’t want to pick up a sad little? And while she may have without permission from Ella not very long ago, Amanda had told her Ella, and to a lesser extent Jamie, didn’t want that right now. They wanted their bodily autonomy to be more explicitly respected. Amanda – and Stacy and Becky – figured that as things calmed down, even if they weren’t resolved, that, too, would go back to normal, but until then they were all asking permission for pretty much everything, and not asking at all if it didn’t seem like whatever it was wasn’t necessary for them to do. Ella didn’t need to be picked up, so Mel didn’t ask.

Ella decided to sit down against a tree in the shade, and Mel decided to give her some distance – she hadn’t asked her to come along, after all – and sat on a bench nearby where she could see Ella.

Ella turned her wrists over again, sighed, and turned them back. She wasn’t ashamed of how she got her scars. She’d never used them as props in an argument before, and she didn’t plan on it again, but telling those bigs to go fuck themselves had been an outlet for some frustration, though a brief one. She only hid her scars because she thought they were unattractive.

She put her head against the tree. The sound of gentle sobbing made her pick it back up. Walking toward her and not looking where she was going was a little with tears flowing, and behind her, not far, was a young woman with an empty stroller.

“Hey,” Ella said before the little could bump into her. The little stopped, and the woman stopped. The little looked up and changed course. “No,” Ella said, “C’mere. It’s okay. I won’t bite. Come sit with me.” The little sniffled and shuffled toward Ella.

“Sit,” Ella said, “Keep me company.” She sat. “I’m Ella.”

“I’m Sarina,” the girl said. The woman sat down next to Mel, who turned and saw Ella with the girl. They watched.

“That’s a very pretty name. Very pretty. Is that your big there,” Ella asked, indicating the woman.

“Yes.”

“Why is she all the way back there?”

“Because I asked her to.”

“Sarina, will you tell me what’s wrong? Maybe I can help.”

“I just got here.”

“To Itali?”

“I’m scared.”

“O, I bet you are. You know what helps when I’m scared?”

“What?”

“I think of the things that I like and the things I’m thankful for. Is there anything you like so far?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“Can I tell you some things that make me happy?”