Mary and Daphne #196

“Eat a bag of furnig moferin azzlestangerang and put it right up you qweringergun canal! I hope you get a mouth full of jaggerkuneriin lackspazzo fuuner mogger rurgin and choke on it! You mother can huuf zeenerspoogen kunter huuzerfloffereningenagain and fuck! Fuck fuck fuck you! In your fuckin’ ass!

Apparently, when I get really upset, I speak in a combination of biblical tongues and pseudo-Dutch. Who knew? Not me; that’s who didn’t know.

“Daffy!”

“Go kilernifoofen yourself first, assmuncherstoofer!”

“Daphne!”

“And swallow it!”

“Dahpne Ann!”

Geez! What took her so long!?! Headset off, controller dropped on the floor. Stumble right over my (gaming) blanket and into Mary’s arms, and “Waaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!”

“What is going on here?!?”

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!” Good thing one of us was composed and together and assembled and with it and under control cuz Mary was, um, so out of sorts. Um … really.

“Shhhhhhh. Shhhhh shhh shhh,” she cooed at me. “Take a deep breath. C’mon.”

“(Sniffle snurfle snorf snurfffffff snurfle!)” And who took off her own pants for her spanking? Me; that’s who.

“Daffy, what are you doing?”

“I’m sorr-rrr-rrr-ryyy.”

“Daff,” said this Mary person who was so totally freaked out. “Stop that.”

“But I’m in trou-uhh-uhh-uhh-ble,” I moaned and continued to disrobe.

“Stop … Stop! Daffy! Look at me!”

O; hey Mary. When did you get here?

“Stop taking your pants down,” she said and pulled them right back up. “What happened?”

“I was playing my game and one of them said it again and I just lost it and went totally off and I didn’t mean to say those words and I’m sorr-rrr-rrr-rrr-yyy.”

“Shhhhh. Calm down.”

Right into the bathroom she steered me and over to the sink. Just friggin great. A mouth soaping – which I totally deserved, by the by (whatever that means) – but I at least earned it good and proper.

“Take a deep breath,” the Mary person told me.

She’s kinda bossy? And I told her so: “Hhh-hhh-hhh-hhh-waaaaaahhhhhhh!” What? The sobbing was less unpleasant than the diaphragm cramps.

“O my goodness,” she chuckled. “Someone is having big feelings!”

Yeah – ME!

“Take those deep breaths for me now. Like this.”

O-okay. Heeee…hoooo…heeee…hoooo. “(Snurfle snurf).”

“That’s it. Just like that.” She wet a washcloth and laid it across the back of my neck.

O, for motherstuffin goodnesserfin; I needed that.

“That’s my good girl.”

Really? I’m a good girl? Even though I called someone (who’s probably under thirteen) a jackfooted bandersnatch who snooferoofens their father’s perinackerwadget?

“Tell me what happened. Take your time and deep breaths.”

“I was playing …”

“Yeah …”

“And I was winning …”

“Yeah …”

“And I messed up …”

“Mhmm …”

“And someone said I should (words I won’t say).” Ooo – Mary’s making her outside-I’m-calm-but-inside-I’d-murder-for-you-with-murdering face.

“I’m sorry people can’t just be nice to you. Look up for me.”

I did as I was told cuz Mary is good at this stuff, and she took the washcloth and wiped the tears away from my face.

“There’s my pretty girl. Let’s wash your face.” And she soaped up the washcloth and wiped away the tears again and did such a good job and stuff. “Here,” she said and held the washcloth to my nose, “Honk.”

I don’t, for the record, honk. “(Honnnnnnkkkkkk honk honk snurf honkkk)!”

“Starting to feel better?”

“I’m getting my period.”

She chuckled at that. “I know, baby.”

What? Like I become unhinged or something when I’m in the throes of PMS? Cuz that’s not true. I become … dishinged. And only some of the times. Once a quarter, maybe.

“So I’m not getting a spanking for saying those words?”

“No, I’m not giving you a spanking.”

“Or my mouth washed out?”

“No, but I’m taking your gaming headset and putting it in the garbage disposal.”

“That’s kinda dramatic.” Ooo – Mary’s I’m-sorry-which-of-us-do-you-think-is-being-dramatic-right-now face.But like she even really meant that.

“I want you to go upstairs and pick out some pajamas for a nap, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And I’ll come tuck you in.”

I would’ve gone upstairs thinking people suck, but Mary is a people and she’s just the best and stuff and didn’t even spank me for saying those words like she said she would that time she lost her shit at those gamer bullies who said the exact same thing.

Christmas jammies, or … other Christmas jammies?

RrrrrrrrrrrrkrrrrkrackggggraffffffrafffraffffckrckkkkkkkaaaaaAAACCKrrrrrrr!!!!

O my god, she really did it!

“Daffy?”

“Um, yeah?”

“Do you wanna take a nap, or do you wanna go to the hardware store with me first? We need a new garbage disposal.”

Awwwwwww! She even breaks household appliances for me! Sigh …