Done Adulting Vol. 1 Ch. 76

“I don’t mind staying home with you. You sure you wanna go,” Becky asked for the third time since dinner the night before.

“Yes, definitely. I’ve been either at home or daycare for two weeks.”

“Sorry, but …”

“I know, I know: I was a very sick little boy,” he smiled. “You mentioned that a few times.” Jamie suspected Becky was more traumatized by his illness than he was. Once he was out of the woods, she had been a lot more emotive, and there was hardly a time she let him be alone. If she needed to do something in her bedroom, she’d pick up Jamie  and whatever he was playing with and took them upstairs with her. If she went somewhere, she told Amanda to keep an eye on him, as though she didn’t already. Jamie was sympathetic and even found it endearing, but it was wearing thin.

“Well, Lauren and Danny are looking forward to seeing you, and Amanda says Mel is going to be there, too.” Jamie remembered that, and he looked forward to it. He didn’t get to see her the week after his illness, or as he had taken to calling it, his Plague Experience.

“I know. What are we celebrating again?”

“It’s not exactly a celebration. Just a parade and a fair in the park.” Mel and an affair in the park – Jamie liked the sound of that. “We watch the parade and eat funnel cake and play rigged games.” Giant carnies – Jamie liked that part less. “Amanda is going to meet us up there.”

They drove into the historic downtown of their leafy suburb and parked at a brick building that looked like it didn’t belong in a residential neighborhood. Out front was a sign reading “Pancake Dinner Every Tuesday!”

“What’s that,” Jamie asked.

“It’s the Cayuga Club. It’s a group that volunteers in the community and raises money for things.”

“O.” A lot of people were around, all walking in the same direction. Rebecca got Jamie out of his car seat and put him in the stroller. She’d already lathered him with sunblock before they left the house. She grabbed the diaper bag and stashed it below, then handed Jamie a big water bottle to keep with him. He’d been draining six a day even though he wasn’t dehydrated anymore. They started walking in the same direction as the crowd. Every age; littles; bigs; the bears they called dogs. He hadn’t been in a crowd of giants yet. So many giants that might trip over or step on him; the stroller felt secure.

Becky steered them onto a street Jamie didn’t think he’d been on before, just a block over from where they’d gone to lunch with Jane and Rosie. The street was wide and divided by grassy islands. “That one’s ours,” she said, pointing at the one she was heading for.

“We got tickets?”

“No, there are no tickets. That’s just where we’ve sat since as long as I can remember. Right in front of the reviewing stand.” Behind the reviewing stand was a train station. Small, old, and charming, it looked more like a smalltown train station museum than a working station. Lauren was already there waiting for them with chairs set up.

“Hey!” she exclaimed when she saw them. She unbuckled Jamie before Becky stopped the stroller and picked him up, pressing him to her chest as he wrapped his legs around her and she twisted back and forth in an exuberant hug, saying, “There’s my little guy!” The train station swung out of Jamie’s sight and the next island over in, and then the train station again, then the other island again.

“Lauren … Lauren … Lauren!”

“O, sorry! I just got carried away. I’m so glad to see you out and about. How are you feeling?”

“Better. Much better.”

“You had everyone so worried!” Jamie rolled his eyes. “You were just … so …” she started to get teary and snapped out of it. “Well, you’re fine now. That’s the important thing. And how are you,” she asked, turning to Rebecca.

“Fine. Rested,” she laughed. “You know what they say: you’re only ever as happy as your least happy child. Thanks again for coming over that week. Much needed break.”

“Don’t mention it. I was happy to.”

“Where’s Danny?”

“Getting breakfast,” Lauren said pointing to a line half a block long snaking its way out of a pastry shop.

Danny eventually made his way back with a box of donuts that to Jamie were as big as cakes. “Hey! Look at you all conscious and shit,” he said.

“Daniel!” Lauren gave him a gentle shot in the ribs.

“Oof! Uh, meant to say you’re looking good. Donut?”

“Becky,” Lauren asked.

“Sure. He’s back on regular food.”

Lauren broke out some paper towels and handed one to Jamie and one to Becky. Danny handed Becky a donut the size of a sub sandwich and Jamie a smaller one that he hoped was little food.

“Danny,” Lauren whined, “You can’t just give him the whole thing,” she said, taking it from Jamie just as he was about to bite into it and tearing it into smaller-than-bite-sized pieces.

“Uh, Laurie,” Danny said, looking from Lauren to Jamie, hinting with his eyes.

“O! What am I thinking. Sorry,” she blushed. Becky watched the exchange with a curious smile.

Danny sat down next to Becky. “I called Mom and told her not to come.”

“And?”

“And she said she didn’t plan on it.”

Becky sighed. “I don’t want to see her, but I hate to think of her all by herself.”

What, Jamie thought, the other fascists banned her from their meetings?

Danny cast his eyes down for a second and then took Becky’s hand. “You did the right thing for you and for Jamie and for Amanda. That’s the important thing, right?”

“Right.” She patted Danny’s hand and smiled.

“Hey!” Jamie’s ears perked up at Amanda’s voice. “Ooo, donuts!” He twisted around in his chair to see Amanda and Mel helping themselves. “Bikini season is over; go nuts.”

“Go donuts,” Jamie said with a doofy smile on his face. Lamest person ever, Jamie thought, that’s you. He was glad no one heard him.

“Hey, Jamie. Remember me,” Donna asked, stepping out from behind Mel and Amanda.

“Hi, Donna. Good to see you again.”

“I heard you were feeling sick,” she said in a voice not quite normal and not quite babyish. “But you must be feeling better because you got a donut! Do you like donuts?”

“Hey, Danny,” Jamie said, “Are these little donuts?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I’m gonna need another, like, pretty much right away.”

“I got your back. We’re dudes.”

Lauren had brought a chair for Amanda; Mel and Donna spread out a blanket in front of the chairs.

Seated in his own chair, so big that his legs didn’t hang over the side, Jamie wondered if he should or not. It wouldn’t be very nice to Donna. But Mel would like it. Maybe he could make it up to Donna later. Though it was a little shameless, Jamie said “I’ll share my chair with you, Mel,” as innocently as he could.

“You will? That’s so sweet of you. I can’t say no to that,” she said, turning to mouth ‘sorry’ to Donna. She picked Jamie up and sat down in his place, setting him in her lap. He leaned back into her as the announcer on the reviewing stand welcomed them to the annual Founder’s Day parade and fair.

The first float was from a grade school, and parents and teachers and kids walked by tossing out candy. Despite himself, seeing a roving gang of young children made Jamie nervous. They were followed by the high school marching band; a car dealership; a real estate agency; more schools; another band; a dance troupe; a group of older gentlemen and one woman intent on keeping the bagpipe alive; a martial arts studio that was running out of wood to break as they reached almost the end of the route; more car dealers; a competing real estate agency; giant men in fezzes driving comically tiny cars that were the perfect size for a little to drive; men in a car club riding in what Jamie guessed were classic cars; what looked like a scout troop, including one mounted scout riding a gigantic horse, followed by a sweaty scout master wheeling a gigantic trach can and shovel; a veterans group; and a titanic-sized fire engine that blew its horn and set half the littles and young kids crying.

When it was over, everyone stood up and started folding away their chairs and blankets and detritus. Jamie yawned and stretched his arms. “Ya tired, Jamester,” Mel asked.

“Nah,” he lied. “Just need to get up and walk around a bit.” Mel set him on his feet, and the group started walking toward the park, stopping to put some of their things back in their cars. When they reached the park, it was transformed. The large, open spaces Jamie was used to playing in were filled with tents erected wall to wall, full of vendors’ art, crafts, clothes, and holiday decorations.

“Same stuff every year,” Becky said.

“They’ve had that spot for as long as I can remember,” Amanda replied, pointing toward a booth right next to the crosswalk selling leather goods.

“That’s what I like about it. Tradition.”

They walked into the first aisle, and Jamie discovered they weren’t just casually passing through to see what there was, but were instead looking through each booth. Danny looked as bored as he did.

“Ya wanna get out of here,” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Hey, Beck, how about I take Jamie to find some guy stuff to do?”

“Ok by me. Jamie,” Becky asked.

“Sounds like fun.”

“Alright. Watch him like a hawk, Daniel Allen.” Big sister meant it.

Lauren giggled. “Ya know, Dan, if he goes, you might actually have to change a diaper for once in your life.”

“Hardy har har. Let’s go, Jamie. We can pound some beers and hit up the hatchet throwing booth,” he said, taking the stroller from Amanda. They backtracked to the sidewalk that ran past the length of the tennis courts near where they came in. To the left was a sea of people. They started to work their way into it. Danny had a firm grip on Jamie’s hand.

“Would you feel better if I rode in the stroller,” Jamie shouted over the din; Jamie certainly would. Danny nodded and lifted him in. The crowd parted more easily. This was apparently the food boulevard, set along both sides of the main sidewalk through the park. Typical fair fare.

“Do you smell that, Jamie?”

“What? Heart disease?”

“And I suppose you’re too good for a little heart disease?”

“No, just pacing myself. It’s still early.”

They came out of the pike and emerged at Jamie’s familiar playground. The last time he’d been here he’d cause a diplomatic row with one of those barbaric countries. They walked past the playground down a sidewalk branching away from the food vendors.

“This is the do-gooder section,” Danny informed him, able to speak in a regular tone again. They walked past various charities with their booths set up, well-meaning people handing out flyers and information. Jamie talked to several of them. He was naturally interested, and since he didn’t watch or read news it was also the first time he heard about some of the issues going on in his community. Of course, he couldn’t contribute anything but a thank you, though that seemed to be very much appreciated by the people manning the tables and booths. He took a flyer from each one and stash it behind him in his stroller to read later.

At the end of the section was a pet adoption booth with animals in kennels on the ground looking pathetic, or at least as pathetic as a bear can look. “You want to check them out,” Danny asked.

“Sure,” Jamie answered. He didn’t want to seem afraid in front of Daniel, which he knew was silly, but he felt that way just the same. They slowly made their way around the circle of pens. A tall woman in a gaudy outfit that declared ‘Living Things Love Me And I Love Them’ approached.

“You looking for a puppy for your son,” she asked.

“No, not today, and actually he’s my nephew. He’s a recent arrival, so this is still pretty new to him.”

“O, well then it’s a special day for him. Does he want to maybe see one?”

“I don’t know. Jamie, do you?”

“Uh, sure.” There were bars between him and the bears. Jamie got out of his stroller, and the three of them went through a gate into the center of the circle. They followed the woman to one of the cages where a small one – a relative term when it comes to bear – black and white fluffball was wagging its butt.

Danny and the woman got down on their knees next to Jamie, each with a hand on his back, and showed him it was safe by putting their palms on the cage. “See,” the woman said as the dog licked her palm, “she’s very gentle.”

Jamie put his palm up to the cage slowly. He laughed when it licked him. “It tickles.”

“What’s her name,” Daniel asked.

“Muffin.”

“That’s good,” Jamie said, “Because, ya know, she looks like a ‘Muffin.’”

“You want to let her out?”

“Uh, no, I think that’s okay. She seems so happy … in there … doing her thing … in there … not out here.”

“Then do you want to meet another?”

“Sure.”

They moved on to the next cage. Jamie put his hand to the bars, and the dog didn’t stir. This one looked content to be where it was. Jamie felt a heavy thump on this butt.

“Hey! What was that for!?!”

“O, Bruno! How do you keep getting out,” the woman said, exasperated but amused.

Jamie heard a long sniff and turned slightly to see Bruno with his snout an inch from Jamie’s butt. Jamie turned around and sat back. He could feel the bear’s breath from two feet away.

“Now that’s a dog,” Daniel said excitedly. Bruno was the largest one they had. Jamie felt himself sweating and his breathing speed up. The woman noticed his response.

“It’s okay; he’s safe. He’s very gentle with littles. See?” She gently took Jamie’s hand and pulled it closer to Bruno’s snout. Jamie was shaking. Bruno sniffed Jamie’s hand and exhaled with a blow that made Jamie pull his hand back.

“Do you want to ride him,” Danny asked.

Jamie reacted appropriately to such a ridiculous: “No.” Who in their right mind would ride a bear?

“C’mon, Jamie. It’ll help you get over your fear of dogs.”

“This one, too,” the woman asked. “So strange.”

“I’m right here, and Bruno looks like a pussycat to me. Do you trust me,” Danny asked with his hand out.

“You? Sure. Bears? Not so much.”

“Honey,” the woman said, “This is a doggy.”

“You’re a doggy,” Jamie said. I don’t even know what that means, he thought. The lack of comprehension over what bigs and littles called a dog had lost its novelty.

“No, see,” she said, petting Bruno, “This is a doggy. A nice doggy.”

“It’s alright, Jamester. Promise.” Daniel started to pick Jamie up. Jamie’s instinct to get away from the giant and the bear conflicted with his desire to seem cool in front of Danny. He resisted only verbally.

“Nah, really, I’m good,” Jamie protested as Danny got his hands under Jamie’s arms. “Seriously, I’d rather not.” His feet were off the ground. “I said no.” Bruno was underneath him. “No means no! No means no!”

I am sitting on a bear, Jamie said to himself. Maybe they have some prehistoric bulls I can run with or a megalodon to to keep me company in the bathtub.

“See,” the woman said, “He doesn’t mind at all.”

Jamie gave her the dirtiest look he could muster. “Interesting,” he said, “that him minding is your major concern. Daniel Allen, please get me down.” Daniel realized the mistake he’d made and hurriedly complied.

“Uh, thank you, miss. I think we’ve seen all we need to,” Daniel said. Jamie was already walking toward the gate. Daniel caught up with him.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize how strongly you felt about it.”

“It’s not about the bear.”

“Sorry … You, uh, wanna get a beer?”

“I can do that?”

“Well, if you don’t tell, I won’t.”

Daniel bought a beer and got a small cup for Jamie, and the two of them sat at an empty picnic table. “I didn’t … Sorry,” Daniel said again.

“You said that. Look …” Jamie still hadn’t figured out a way, without getting angry or hurting their feelings or both, to remind people he was an adult just like them and tell them to treat him like it. He wanted to empower people to feel confident they could interact with him person-to-person, not frighten or guilt them in a way that might cool the relationships he was still trying to build with the people in his new life. “We can talk about it some other time.”

Jamie took a drink and immediately felt tipsy. He hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol since before his departure, almost half a year ago, and big beer, he could tell, had a lot more alcohol in it than the beers he was used to. “Wow,” he coughed.

“That’ll the put hair back on your chest,” Daniel replied, trying to sound jovial to lighten the mood. It only took a few minutes for Jamie’s tongue to loosen.

“So,” he said, “When are you gonna tell everyone Lauren is pregnant?”

Daniel did a double take and unconvincingly tried to deflect. “What? She’s not … You know … You’re drunk is, is where that question is coming from.”

Jamie ticked the signs off on his finger: “She was emotional two weeks ago. She was emotional this morning. She was treating me like an infant. And she has an acne breakout on her left cheek that she’s trying to hide. Hormones, hormones, baby fever, and hormones.”

“I haven’t seen any acne.”

“Your face wasn’t right here,” Jamie said, indicating with his hand how close she’d held him that morning.

“You’re not gonna say anything to Becky or Amanda, right? We’re not ready to say anything yet.”

“None of my business. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you.”

“How long is a pregnancy anyway?”

“Eighteen months.”

“O, well, I guess that gives you plenty of time to paint the nursery and everything.”

Daniel waved. Jamie turned around to see Amanda, Mel and Donna standing in a line. They waved back.

“Better finish that.” Jamie polished off the last couple swallows, and Daniel placed the cup under the table. He grinned at Jamie. “So, you got a thing for Mel.”

“Yeah, a little.”

“She’s a beautiful girl. But nothing can come of it, you know?”

“I know,” Jamie sighed; of course he knew, and anyway, it was an infatuation, not like he was in love with her. “I like her company though, and I think she likes mine. And a little harmless physical affection isn’t such a big deal. I mean, a little shameless but still normal stuff for littles and bigs …”

“I get it. Not so much Donna though?”

“She’s just a bit overbearing. She means well, but, heh, I guess it’s obvious. She’s too much.” His body was absorbing more of the alcohol. He missed that feeling. Not as good as how little cookies made him feel, but pretty close.

“Yeah, for sure. Here they are.” Daniel stood up. “Hey, we saved you seats.”

Donna managed to sit next to Jamie, with Amanda on the other side and Mel next to Donna.

“You guys having fun,” Amanda asked.

“Yeah. Uh, what did we do? O! We hit on those single moms who thought I was a single dad. Always a treat, right, Jamester?”

Amanda was about to laugh, and then Jamie joined in.

“O yeah, just like old times for me,” Jamie played along. He saw Amanda’s face narrow. “Uh-oh.” Too late, a little voice in his head said, she’s seen you!

Quietly so as not to be overheard but loudly enough so as to make it clear to Daniel how angry she was with him, Amanda leaned across the table and ask, “You gave him beer!?!”

“What,” Daniel tried to play it off. “That’s … That’s my beer.”

“Then why is it on his breath!” Amanda demanded. The sentence came out so fast it was almost a single word.

“O my god!” Donna jumped up, smacked her knee on the table, fell back to her seat, and jumped up again. “We have to go to the hospital! We need to call poison control! He’ll need a liver test! What if he’s already addicted!”

The other four looked at her like they were watching a parody of a farce. Mel put her hand on Donna’s shoulder and pulled her back down. Amanda told her to shut up.

Jamie wasn’t feeling much pain and leaned across the table. “You know, Danny, I don’t think … We didn’t think this through very, not very well.

“He’s drunk!” Amanda stage shouted. Mel kept one hand on Donna’s shoulder and kept the other over her own mouth, laughing so hard she was crying.

“Manda, big sis, I’ve been drunk before and this is … is … You have a point, is what you have … is what you have.”

“I didn’t think he was such a lightweight,” Danny said before Amanda cut him off.

“Daniel Allen! He’s five-and-a-half-feet tall!”

“Ha!” Jamie honked. “That’s the third time someone’s called you by both names today.”

“Mom is gonna kill you if Aunt Laurie doesn’t first.”

Yeah, you never wanna piss off a pregnant wife this badly, Jamie thought, fortunately not drunk enough to say it out loud.

Amanda picked Jamie up. “And his pants are wet.”

“Well, sure,” Jamie said, “Happens sometimes to everybody sometimes when they’ve had a few too many sometimes.” He snorted at his own joke. Mel still hadn’t said a word, but squeals of laugher were escaping around her palm. Donna was on the verge of hyperventilating.

Amanda sighed. “Mel, can you go get Jamie a soda and some littlepeppermint ice cream … And maybe a paper bag for Donna. Mom and Laurie were looking at some lawn ornaments or something. Maybe we can hide this.”

“Woah,” Donna righteously but at least not loudly interjected, “I’m not okay with that. Your mom needs to know!”

“Hey Donna,” Jamie said with a smoother voice than he could ever manage sober, “if you promise not to say anything, you can change my diaper and feed me that ice cream.”

“Okay!” Now Donna was all smiles. Amanda rolled her eyes so hard the springs almost broke. Mel went on her errand.

“Well, Daniel,” Amanda said, turning her attention and dirty look back to her uncle, “now would be the time to offer him some smokes and a hooker.”

“I don’t smoke,” Jamie answered, cracking himself up.

Amanda sighed and rubbed her forehead. “Daniel, go find Mom and Aunt Laurie and stall them or something.” She handed Donna the diaper bag from under the stroller and Jamie from her hip. “Less than five minutes, please. There’s a change of clothes in there; change his shirt too, not just his pants.”

The line at the bathroom being too long, Donna headed for a shade tree. Jamie wasn’t feeling especially inhibited and didn’t mind being changed in the open under a tree. Whether trying to help the situation or wanting to show how good she was at it, Donna kept the change short but managed to get in a tummy raspberry, which Jamie found unusually hilarious even as his buzz was wearing off.

“Good as new,” Donna reported when she returned. Mel was already back, having cut the line by declaring it an ice cream emergency. Donna held the soda cup up, and Jamie took a long couple pulls on the caffeine. Donna prepared a spoonful of ice cream. “Here comes the airplane …”

My god, she’s a piece of work, Jamie, Amanda, and Mel simultaneously thought.

“Donna! Tick tock. Just get cover the smell,” Amanda ordered her. Donna pouted for half a moment but did as she was told, making sure she got plenty around on his lips and cheeks, and Jamie helped out by rubbing it along his gums with his tongue.

“Sorry, Manda,” he said.

“Did you know how strong the beer was?”

“Well,” he demurred, “I figured it out after the first swallow.”

“Then you’re not a hundred percent blameless, but for your sake we’re gonna pretend you are. But if this ever happens again you will sleep standing in your timeout corner, buster. For a month!”

“Argh,” Jamie said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Brain freeze? Well, that’s your punishment.”

“All done,” Donna announced like she was now having a great time.

“Thank you,” Amanda said.

Jamie started to get drowsy. Mel saw him wobble a bit. “Maybe mixing little food and alcohol wasn’t the best idea,” Mel said to Amanda.

“It’s perfect. If Mom asks why he’s being goofy, we can blame the ice cream,” she responded. “But a nap is a good idea anyway. Best if you’re asleep when they find us.” She adjusted the stroller for him to lay flat, laid him in, and pulled the canopy over him.

“Hey, Manda,” Jamie said as he yawned.

“What?”

“A lot of drama happens at this park.”

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back for Amanda, who couldn’t help laughing. She kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll wake you up in a little bit.”