Done Adulting Vol. 1 Ch. 68

When Rebecca asked Jamie if he wanted to stay home the next day, he said no. It wouldn’t help anything, and he felt he needed to see Ella again. The way they left it, the more time apart the harder it would probably be. Still, Jamie didn’t know quite how to connect with her, so he spent much of the morning in the reading corner, occasionally looking her way, and she did the same from the art corner. April eventually came over to check on Jamie.

“You’re wet. Wanna go take care of that?”

“Yeah.” He followed her into the changing room. Once he was down to his diaper, April just asked him straight out.

“Why don’t you just apologize,” she asked.

“How do you know I have something to apologize for?”

“I don’t. I’m just saying it might help the two of you get past whatever the problem is … There. I bet I’m quicker than your bigs, aren’t I?”

Jamie sat up, thinking quick wasn’t always a good thing. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Jamie did have something to apologize for, but he wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do. Apologizing might just bring it all up again for her, trigger the memories. Or maybe it wouldn’t. She didn’t seem triggered. She seemed somewhere between clinical and emotional, but it wasn’t, or at least didn’t appear to be, traumatizing to her. In fact, Jamie realized, he’d been more upset by it than she was. He got up the courage to approach her. She set her pencil down.

“I’m sorry I touched you. That was wrong of me. I get upset when people do it to me,” Jamie said, not quite making eye contact.

“Well, sorry I said what I said. I just got emotional and lost my temper. You didn’t deserve what I said to you.”

“It’s okay. And I’m sorry for bringing that all up.”

“It’s never that far from mind ... if the hang dog look is just because of that, you don’t have to feel bad about it.”

“Not just that. Just been thinking about ... I feel bad for all those people, the ones still there.”

“Me too. But it is what it is. No reason to let it kill your whole mood.”

“Well, it’s not something to shrug off casually,” Jamie responded, feeling a bit defensive and a bit indignant. If that shouldn’t kill your whole mood, what should?

“Who’s shrugging it off? It happened to me. For all I know, it happened to my friend and she’s still there. I learned to live with it; not really another choice.”

“I’m not good at that.”

“You talk a lot about what you’re not good at.”

They both paused and let the conversation stop for a few minutes. Ella started it again. “I don’t feel guilty about not feeling debilitated by the thought of what’s happening in those places…”

“To those people,” Jamie interjected.

Ella rolled her eyes slightly. “… to those people in those places.”

“Maybe everyone should.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s our responsibility to help everyone who needs help.”

“Fine. But when there’s no way to help?”

“Then raise awareness of it. Find a way to help.”

“Everyone’s aware of it, Jamie. This whole planet knows. Opening the dimension completely re-shaped this world. The entire geopolitical structure revolves around it. Good countries on one side, bad on the other, and a bunch of in-betweens the sides are fighting over. Find what way to help?”

“What about the rescue groups?”

“Don’t officially exist. And no, you can’t join them or donate money to them or any of that.”

“Well, something then.”

Ella regarded him for a second. She’d had too many well-meaning, impractical people in her life in the aftermath of her rescue, too many cheerful, ‘everything will be great if we believe hard enough’ types. If they drew energy from that, good for them. If they tilted at windmills and only made themselves unhappy, it was counterproductive for everyone.

“This how you felt when you went home last night? Depressed,” she asked

“It hurts! It hurts and then it hurts worse when … when it’s someone you know.”

“Is this the same thing with you like when you had to come here because you couldn’t deal with not being able to fix everything back there?”

“Sort of. Like the thing I was trying to get away from just followed me here.”

“Jamie, you have nothing to do with this. You’re not part of any system here, you didn’t make any promises, you’re not letting anyone down.”

“I’m not stopping it either. Same difference, at least to me.”

Ella regarded Jamie for a moment, trying to figure out how that thought process worked, what logic  or illogic led him to that feeling. “Mind if I hurt your feelings,” she asked.

He sighed, “Say what you feel.”

“You’re not god. You’re not responsible for everything that happens in the world. Or that one either. Piling all that … Internalizing all this guilt that you don’t deserve is self-indulgent. It’s vanity. You want to find a way to help, go right ahead. If you can’t fix the world’s problems, you don’t need to feel bad about it because it’s not your job alone, and you don’t get to feel bad about it because it’s not in your power to fix. You’re human like the rest of us.”

“I know that,” he said, irritated. He didn’t say anything else, and Ella filled the silence. Seven years not talking had done away with any filter she had.

“I know you know it. You gotta to learn to live like you know it.”

Already got a therapist, Jamie thought. He didn’t want to talk about himself anymore, rarely did anyway. “Let’s talk about something else.”

“Happily.” Ella didn’t just want to leave it at that though. It didn’t feel so much they’d apologized to one another as gotten into another fight, or something like a fight. And she could tell if she didn’t do something, he’d just decide to add this to the list of things to feel bad about. She took the chance and opened her arms a little to tell him it was time to hug. He took the hint and awkwardly hugged her.

“I really am sorry I got mad at you, Jamie.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

“Want to work on your drawing some more?”

“Sure.”

“Let’s try to draw a hand then.” She started taking him through the steps.