Why I Prefer Flaws in My Inbox

I receive enough stylish, stylised, polished Fetlife messages to create my own riveting anthology. The problem is they remind me of my college economics papers. My brain might be delighted at your awe-inspiring prose (how could it not be?) but the messages I respond to tend to go more like this:

“It made made ke cry.”

I don’t need the typos and auto correct fails. I don’t mind them either, but I’m hitting reply on that kind of email because messages that create a connection—that reveal some of who you are—inspire me into a response.

Compliments and charm are dodgy territory in unsolicited messages. Narcissistic types will prolly love hearing you talk about them in such nuanced and ranging terms, but the rest of us already know who we are and what we look like. I don’t gain an awful lot from your opinions about me because you’re an internet stranger so you don't know me well enough to help me evolve. I’m bored before you reach the second line of your unsolicited DM.

To figure out if I want to know you, I need to find out something about you. I know the logic is thick enough to choke on, but apparently, it needs to be said. When I read an unsolicited message, I’m hoping to see a little (or a lot) of your personality. I genuinely am not interested in what you’ve chewed through to produce those amazing insights about me. I spend enough time with myself. I don’t need your help extending that even further.

More mental gymnastics emails arrive in my inbox than “How R U” messages. I appreciate why you’re playing verbal acrobat with all those pretty words. I assume you’re either shy or arrogant, and if it’s the former, then letting your bumbling introvert hang out is charming. Letting your ego hang out will make me grateful for a different reason: I will know I never want to know you before we even connect. No loss. Some people are into that. I’m not one of them.

When you write an unsolicited message, you have two choices:

-1) Show us who you are

-2) Hide

It’s that simple. If you get through the terror of putting yourself out there, there are two possible outcomes:

-1) We will like you

-2) We will hate you.

If it’s the latter, you lose nothing because we would have found out we hated you eventually anyway. If it’s the former, then banzai.

On the other hand, if you send a message in which you hide, there are two potential outcomes:

-1) We will like the fake you

-2) We will hate the fake you

Either way, we all lose because zero connection has been established between us, and you will eventually have to do the work of covering up the fact that you’re a poser if you manage to hook us.

Show me authenticity, flaws and all. I like authenticity. I like flaws.